In case you missed our amazing, award-winning UFC 159 live discussion (4th runner-up at the Ms. Alaska Recently-Divorced Ladies pageant) and my “Oh please make the GIFs stop” recap on Monday, UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Jon Jones suffered a bit of an ouchy boo-boo on his toe-toe during his first round TKO of Chael Sonnen last Saturday night.

Originally, it was believed that he had suffered a compound fracture, because the video of his toe snapping looked a lot like Linda Blair’s head spinning around in The Exorcist. However, according to Dr. Robert Klapper, the Chief Orthopedic Surgeon at Cedars-Sinai Hospital, if that is his real name and professional title, it was just a simple dislocation and he’ll be back to fighting in two months, tops.

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Some Raiders fans are really quite pleasant.

For the past two years, the NFL has apparently been sending undercover rival fans into stadiums to goad home fans into starting fights so Roger Goodell and his army of peacekeepers could weed out the sh*tty fans. Somewhere Bryan Stow’s family is like, “WTF Bud Selig?”

The fans that were busted picking fights and acting a fool, as my friend Ludacris would say, received lifetime bans from NFL games, because little Timmy and Sally Everyperson need to have a good time watching guys kick the piss out of each other on a field every Sunday.

But don’t worry, guys who like getting hammered and picking fights to make yourselves feel better about your awful lives. The NFL is giving you all a second chance by letting you take an online test to make sure you’ve learned your lessons.

“We’re not trying to squash anyone’s passion. We’re just trying to say don’t be violent,” said Dr. Ari Novick, the Californian who’s the brains behind the program.

Requirements will vary depending on the stadium, but most of the time the stadium louts will have to pass the test before being allowed back in, he said.

The classes are an effort to stem the rising tide of ugly stadium behavior that has included everything from bare-knuckle brawls to lewd Jets fans who screamed obscenities at women until they exposed their breasts in a rude Gate D tradition at the old Giants Stadium. (Via the New York Post)

The test also costs $75, so I wouldn’t be too shocked if a few people end up failing them two or three or 12 times before they’re allowed back, if you know what I mean.

Actually, the NFL doesn’t get any of the money. For each person who takes the test, Mothers Against Drunk Driving gets $10 and the HERO Campaign gets another $10. The other $55? Oh, it goes in Dr. Novick’s pocket. How convenient of an idea.

Shaq is about to get his doctorate and become Dr. Shaq, but he doesn’t want you calling him “Dr. Shaq”.

Shaquille O’Neal’s appearance on last night’s episode of ‘Conan’ featured the usual Shaq interview fare — stories about how he used to do “little guy things”, and the time he bought two Ferraris (Ferrarii?), cut them in half and superglued them back together so he could have a super Ferrari — but the highlight is definitely his conversation about the modulation process that occurs when a funny boss tries to be a serious boss and vice versa, and how he’s not gonna let grown men call him “Shaq” when he’s a doctor.

Of course, kids are still allowed to call him Shaq. No word on whether or not they’re allowed to yell WATCH OUT FOR THE SHAQ ATTACK a la Marge Simpson and pass the ball into his face.

I guess the other highlight is Conan breaking out the “tiny set” for Shaq. He should use it the next time he interviews Kristin Chenoweth and pretend he’s a monster.

[h/t Guyism]

Of course the only picture I could find of Alex Rodriguez's doctor has Nick Nolte in it.

New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently took a little trip to Germany to meet with Dr. Peter Wehling, who is the former doctor of Pope John Paul II and the guy who made Kobe Bryant’s knee feel better last year. Wehling is operating on – or has operated on, depending on the time zone difference – Rodriguez’s knee and shoulder, which have both been hampering the All-Star’s ability to perform at the level of a man who is paid $27.5 million per year. If you’re a Yankees fan, you should probably feel good about this because Wehling has a reputation for being legit.

And Wehling knows that his reputation is great, because he also makes some pretty ridiculous claims like:

“I am the only one to have found a way to cure arthritis,” he said. (Via ESPN)

I couldn’t ever become a doctor because if I see blood, I turn into a 3-year old girl. But if I were a doctor, I would want to be like Wehling. Whether he can or can’t cure arthritis won’t mean much to me for another decade or so, but if I had been the man responsible for keeping Pope J.P. the Deuce alive until the ripe age of 85, I’d be a little boastful, too.

Like, I’d walk into bars and tell the first hot girl I saw that she looks like she might have Shlarvenblarvenblitis, and she’d say, “I don’t know what that is, is it deadly?” And I’d respond, “It could be, but the only way to cure it is for you to rub your breasts in my face.” Then I’d high five the Pope and tell A-Rod to sock a few dingers.

This might be fake, but it’s so well done that I don’t really care; that doesn’t take away from the enrichment you’ll feel when watching firsthand why America’s healthcare system is supposedly in crisis or something. To be fair, this “doctor” probably made more making this video than he would have seeing a Medicare patient.

For your health. Via Ted Williams Head.

Canadian surgeons are outraged (outrehged?) after medical officials in British Columbia, or the snoottier Columbia if you will, have ordered them to cease all loose talk during surgeries, especially that of hockey. It seems that patients have complained that B.C. doctors have been yapping about their favourite NHL teams while performing operations down at the medical centres, and with that I’m all out of lingual stereotypes.

According to the French Tribune…

Dr. Heidi Otter, Registrar of the province’s College of Physicians and Surgeons said that they have issued this advice post listening to a complaint of the patient, who said that his surgeon was discussing a hockey game with nurses while he was operating his eye. Dr. Otter has further marked that a reminder has been included in the quarterly report, which was posted on the licensing body’s website last December.

“In a patient-centred system, you first consider the patient. Some patients may want to hear their surgeon announce what is happening and other patients may not want to hear a word,” she said.

If you made it through that poorly translated mess, then you deserve your own Stanley Cup, but I won’t be too hard on the author, Annabel Tautou, because I’m going to assume she’s related to Audrey Tautou, who is rather magnifique, according to this renflement in my pantalon.

As for the point of this tale of Canadian intrigue, if I’m going under the knife and it makes the surgeon comfortable to talk about hockey, then by all means talk about hockey. If my surgeon wants to talk about hardcore goat-on-man pornography to avoid killing me then he can talk about it. Just don’t mind this erection, eh?