Dwyane Wade's greatest highlight.

If the San Antonio Spurs and Oklahoma City Thunder gave us The Avengers on Sunday, then the Miami Heat and Boston Celtics gave us, at best, Italian Spider-Man yesterday. Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals was as much of a dick-measuring contest as it was a basketball game, with the Celtics trying desperately to prove their “Big 3” could hang with Miami’s “Big 2 and That Other Guy Who Will Play Again Eventually” and the Heat proving they didn’t need that other guy to win.

The Heat rolled to an easy 93-79 victory, holding the Celtics to less than 20 points in the first, third and fourth quarters, but it’s also worth mentioning that the Celtics blew the Heat away in one specific category – technical fouls. Five to the Heat’s zero, to be specific. Hell, even Miami fans had to chuckle at the absurdity of this T on Doc Rivers. But aside from sparking a “David Stern wants the Heat to win” conversation – and by all means, have at it – I actually enjoyed the outstanding play of Dwyane Wade and LeBron James.

The pair combined for 54 points and plenty of individual highlights – my favorite probably being this exchange between James and Kevin Garnett – but I simply loved the deep pass by Wade to James because of the 8 zillion “quarterback controversy” jokes it launched. The Miami Dolphins are just way too easy to make fun of.

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From the NBA’s Department Of Left-Handed Compliments comes this submission from Shaquille O’Neal, who is in the midst of his first season with the Boston Celtics. O’Neal had a colorful comment about Celtics coach Doc Rivers, the guy that, in 2008, took that team to its first NBA title in over 20 years. Yes, there is a Department of Left-Handed Compliments at NBA Headquarters. I was there. Trying to shake hands with all of them was pretty funny.

“I’m going to call Doc an ebonic Phil Jackson,” said O’Neal. “And what I mean by that is Phil Jackson has his Buddha ways, but Doc got his homeboy ways because he was once one of us and he really relates to us very well. I think the guys respect him for that. You know, he treats us like men. He only expects one thing from us: Do what he says and play hard. If you could substitute a better word than ‘ebonic Phil Jackson,’ I’d like you guys to put your degrees to work. But it’s sort of like that, on that level.”

–Boston Herald, via Celtics Blog.

I guess calling a guy The Black Phil Jackson isn’t the worst thing that you could say about the guy. I mean, that language illustrates Shaq’s point perfectly. I guess the big man really knows how to turn a phrase. He’s like the ebonic Michael Chabon, or some other white writer that you’ve heard of that doesn’t end phrases with prepositions. Books? Am I pronouncing that correctly?

Top img via Sharebro Jonah.

"Oh I'll make you stay, baby. I'll make you stay good."

While LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh and the rest of the free agent class are wooed by horny GMs, three playoff teams have since solidified their coaching concerns. Doc Rivers informed the Boston Celtics that he’ll stick around another year, while the Cleveland Cavaliers hired Byron Scott after falling flat on other coaching pursuits. But the man of the hour is 11-time NBA champion Phil Jackson (pictured above with his ladyfriend Jeanie Buss), who has confirmed that he will coach the Los Angeles Lakers for at least one more year. Meanwhile, the Minnesota Timberwolves are very interested in bringing Red Auerbach out of retirement.

Jackson’s announcement contrasts a previous claim by his daughter Chelsea that he was done coaching. This makes her the second worst family member at predicting retirement, ranked far behind Brett Favre’s eight-month-old niece Violet. What kind of inside scoop is “potty poopy pee” anyway?

Someone grab a shovel and fuel the hyperbole machine for the L.A. Times’ Bill Plaschke:

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Coming into Tuesday night’s game, the Boston Celtics were 11-0 when up 3-2 in the NBA Finals. But Kobe and Co. weren’t ready to give up the ghost just yet. They smoked the Celtics 89-67 to force a championship deciding Game 7. The showdown will be at the flag pole after school Thursday night at the Staples Center. The game will be the first time Phil Jackson has coached a Game 7 in the NBA Finals. That’s not really surprising. You should never lose when you have Steve Kerr and Toni Kukoc on the same team. The zen master spoke about how his team dominated Game 6, and what to expect in Game 7.

“Our defense was good, our rebounding was better,” Lakers coach Phil Jackson said.

“It’s really a high-tension situation,” added Jackson, a 10-time champion who has never coached a Game 7 in the Finals. “Players have come down to putting a lot on the line at this particular point. It’s not about the coaching at that point. They’ve already got it in them. It’s about who comes out and provides the energy on the floor.” –ESPN

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That hat would have been more helpful than Ron Artest

The NBA Finals will head back to LA for Game 6, with the Boston Celtics holding a 3-2 advantage over the Lakers. Kobe Bryant was unstoppable, scoring 23 straight points for the Lakers on a streak that began with 4:23 left in the second, and ended when there was only 2:16 left in the third. Unfortunately for him, his teammates channeled their inner Keith Van Horn, forcing Phil Jackson to contemplate bringing former Laker great Vlade Divac out of retirement.

Generally, when a team has a player that hot they’re hard to beat. Unfortunately for Kobe, he was the only Laker scoring. Kobe finished with 38 on the night, while the next highest scoring Laker was Pau Gasol who had a 12 point, 12 rebound performance. The other eight Lakers had a combined 38 points, undoubtedly distracted by Khloe Kardashian’s stunning good looks.

But Bryant said neither the rivalry nor revenge should be motivating his teammates when they try to stave off elimination at home.

“Just man up and play. What the hell is the big deal?” he said. “If I have to say something to them, then we don’t deserve to be champions. We’re down 3-2: Go home, win one game, go into the next one. Simple as that.”

Bryant did everything he could to send the Lakers home with the edge.

He scored 23 straight Lakers points between the 4:23 mark of the second quarter until there was 2:16 left in the third. But over that span, the Celtics expanded the lead from one point to 13. –ESPN

In Game 4, it was Shrek and Donkey, along with the rest of the Celtics’ bench that got the job done for Bill Simmons’ boys. However, it was The Big 3 plus Rajon Rondo who ran the show in Game 5. Combined, they had 75 points: Pierce finished with 27, Rondo and KG dropped 18 a piece, and Ray Allen got his licks in with 12. KG was also able to regain his dominance on the boards, grabbing 10, while Rondo was able to run the show picking up 8 assists. Doc Brown Rivers was able to maintain his team’s composure while Bryant dominated the game.

“I just tried to keep telling them, ‘It’s only 2 points each time he scores. It’s not 10,’” Celtics coach Doc Rivers said. “It’s just like if someone else was scoring. … I love that our guys for the most part, they understood what he was doing. But we defended everyone else. And I thought it was big.” –ESPN

The Lakers didn’t do a good job on either the offensive or defensive end of the court. The Celtics shot 56% from the field, and held LA to below 40%. Now I’m no Reggie Miller, but I’m pretty sure that’s a bad sign. Boston is now only one win away from beating their rivals in the finals for the second time in three seasons. If they win it all, be ready for high chances of Brian Scalabrine bitching to the media for not predicting a Boston sweep. A collection of Scalabrine FAILS to help get over your case of the Mondays after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

As the Boston Celtics closed out their Game 2 victory over the Los Angeles Lakers, Paul Pierce boldly predicted that the NBA Finals would not return to LA, as he of sparse facial hair implied that Boston would win the next three games at home. Unfortunately, as the Lakers won Game 3, Pierce’s prediction can still come true with LA needing only two more victories, including tonight’s Game 4, to secure a second consecutive NBA championship. And if yesterday’s comments by Doc Rivers and zaftig Alfonso Ribeiro Glen Davis about poor officiating are any indicator, then Phil Jackson needs to start growing an 11th finger.

Rivers complained of inconsistent officiating yesterday, adding that Lakers guard Derek Fisher’s excellent defense on Ray Allen is actually just a lot of flopping. Jackson, on the other hand, said that he just thought Fisher couldn’t ever get set on defense. See? It’s all a matter of perspective. Like, Derek Fisher seemed like he made a layup with three Boston bodies flying at him, but what really happened was that three Celtics bodies allowed a basket while causing a foul. Eye of the beholder, friends.

Throw your hands in the air like you do indeed care, Boston.com Celtics Blog:

Celtics coach Doc Rivers certainly thought the officials were favoring the Lakers last night, calling out the referees for their treatment of Pierce.

“He’d play five minutes, have to go back down, four minutes, have to sit,” said Rivers. “I mean, he wasn’t allowed to play. They didn’t allow him to play tonight.”

Jackson was asked today if he had approached the league about the officiating in this series.

“No, I haven’t,” said Jackson. “To say that in respect, the league also elicits us to itemize things that we wish to be discussed or to be reviewed, be it like that play that happened with Rondo last night where he pulled Lamar’s hand off the ball…”

Zzzzzzzzz… huh? Wha? Sorry, I was taking a nap and didn’t realize the babies woke up. To Davis’ defense, he seems to actually admonish the referees for the difficulty in making split second decisions, admitting that he wouldn’t ever want their job. However, Davis told reporters he was up until 4 a.m. watching game footage and the officiating was so frustrating that he could barely remember to chew between swallowing.

Ray Allen, who failed to make any field goals during all of Game 3, stayed up late to watch game footage as well, adding: “Refs? Oh yeah, all refs. Totally the refs’ fault. Boo those refs!”