Speculation had been swirling for the past week or so about the identity of this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover model, and all signs justifiably pointed to our favorite 19-year old supermodel Knicks fan, Kate Upton, earning the honor. After all, she was mentioned no less than 764,872,358,725,361 times on this website in 2011, and I’m pretty sure that’s the top priority that SI uses when choosing each cover model. Also, it didn’t hurt that multiple online gossip sites had leaked the Upton news days ago, but we’re going to pretend like we didn’t know so we don’t look like morons wearing only these party hats over our crotches.

As for Upton, she couldn’t be happier, and I’m not basing that on her smile, because my binoculars broke yesterday. Instead, I’m just going by this quote from People Magazine:

“In the beginning you’re pretty relaxed, you’re not thinking of new poses and it just feels really natural at that point,” she says. “At Sports Illustrated everyone’s so nice and it’s like a family, you don’t really think too much into it. I just have a lot of fun and be myself. It just comes so naturally.”

Upton’s cover was officially revealed on the Late Show with David Letterman last night, but it was reported that a shipment of the magazines was delivered to a gas station in Michigan early. That gas station? Shangri-La.

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… of course, I don’t see Don Draper with his pants down seductively cupping one of his balls, but what’re you gonna do?

Esquire’s website loves its unseemly SEO headlines, especially for a “a Woman We Love” (although this year’s “Kate Upton Naked Photos – Sexy Kate Upton Pics And Video” is at least a step up from last year’s “Kate Upton Pics – Kate Upton Boobs Interview”), but I can only fault them so much when their pictorial features Kate recreating Ween’s Chocolate And Cheese album cover. Also at one point she’s in the tub but there isn’t any water, confirming my speculation that Kate only bathes when she’s in tropical waters and just naturally cleans herself when she sweats.

Anyway, I don’t know how much of this you’re even going to read, but Kate is a woman Esquire loves (again), will probably be revealed as the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover model at some point today (unless they’re stupid) and is the female equivalent of Jon Hamm, either in unrealistic human beauty or in the fact that she should only exist in the 60s.

Please to enjoy.

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SI’s Jimmy Traina was nice enough to link to our Kate Upton Cheeseburger-stravaganza in this morning’s Hot Clicks. This caused three things to happen:

1. Happy clapping
2. A statistically-unnecessary-but-socially-correct linkback (enjoy those hits, Monster Sports Conglomerate)
3. Me watching the video of Kate’s Beach Bunny 2012 swimwear shoot provided by the HotClicks, googling “Kate Upton” for twenty minutes and discovering the rest of the shoot we previewed on a Saturday back in January.

So at the risk of burying you in barely-related-to-sports Kate Upton posts, here are nearly two dozen shots from the Beach Bunny “Deep Blue” campaign, a video of Kate in motion to stave off those “meh, photoshop’d” trolls, and a preview of her appearance in this year’s Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

Enjoy. I hope it causes

1. Happy clapping

(but not like that)

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And now for the best thing you’ll read all day: an exclusive interview conducted by Fox News (of all people) about how Kate Upton is the new spokesperson for Hardees and Carls Jr. restaurants, featuring this thing about how she has to take off her clothes if her food is hot.

Uh,

Despite the chilly 50 degree temperature, Upton got things hot and bothered on the set. “It’s the Southwest Patty Melt, and it’s one of their classics, but now they’re adding a little spice–adding some jalapeños and making it a little bit hotter,” explained Upton. “I’m a ‘50s girl with a little cardigan on, a really sweet kind of a girl. But then I take a bite and all of a sudden, I’m sweating, and I’m taking off all of my clothes and I’m in my lingerie!”

And now, the phrase “erotic burger arts”.

Upton said her family firmly supports her venture in the erotic burger arts – up to a point. “Of course, I told them and they’re very excited about the commercial,” she said. “They realize that I can turn on the sexy, and they were probably like, ‘Tone it down!’”

With a knockout figure to maintain, the Southwest Patty Melt remains only an occasional indulgence for Upton. “I love burgers, but I definitely can’t have them every day,” she said. “It’s a special treat, for sure. Maybe once a week.”

This isn’t going to do a lot to help that “ugh look at how fat Kate Upton is” self-esteem-destroying meme we’ve got going in our comments sections, is it?

Watching Kate shove the highest quality of the low quality hamburgers in her mouth isn’t doing anything for me specifically — it sorta feels the way it feels whenever she shows up somewhere in a Yankees hat — but if they keep putting her in commercials I’ll drive to my local Carl’s Jr. and drop off a $20 in their drive-thru every week as tithes.

Another pic of Kate holding food she doesn’t eat in real life is after the jump. Video will follow as soon as humanly possible.

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Previous reasons to say f**k “Kellan Lutz” include:

1. His role as Emmett Cullen in Twilight
2. His role as Emmett Cullen in The Twilight Saga: New Moon
3. His role as Emmett Cullen in The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
4. His role as Emmett Cullen in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Parts I, II, and IIb
5. His role as Indistinguishable Muscular Hunk on the least cared about show on television, other

That’s his entire filmography. Well, that and Lax Bros: The Movie. Anyway, you probably haven’t read this far, but that’s him in the above image standing beside Kate Upton and Kate Upton’s nipples. If you click it it gets bigger. The bigger image is courtesy of The Superficial and/or what I’m imagining in secret whenever Twilight is on.

As if a person who is not me Burnsy? you standing next to a braless Kate Upton isn’t enough, it gets worse: this is a candid taken during a commercial shoot for Kellan Lutz’s clothing line, Abbott +. No, I don’t know why Kellan Lutz has a clothing line. I don’t know why his clothing line has a plus sign in it, either. I would’ve called it “Clothez”.

Unfortunately, people snapping candids at Kellan Lutz commercial shoots are only concerned with Kellan Lutz, so all the photos are of him just sorta smiling in sunglasses while Kate stands around in the partial background. We will, of course, update with photos and video as it develops. If they made her change clothes, so help me God.

Additionally:

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Normally With Leather takes the weekends off, adopting a borderline-religious “the Internet can go f**k itself” stance about updating on Saturdays. Normally.

Enter: a preview of Kate Upton’s first swimsuit shoot (swimshoot?) of 2012 for Beach Bunny. If you need a deeper explanation, at one point she’s wearing a tiny bikini with thigh-high tube socks. I don’t know from what wonderful part of my brain these pictures sprung, but I didn’t want to wait until Monday morning to show them to you. Also, I’m pretty sure it was near the bottom.

Larger versions of some of the photos are available by clicking (or doing that “view image” thing when they break our columns), and obviously the second the full shoot goes online I will send them along. If you want them to be really great, don’t click through and just think about what they’ll look like until Monday morning. On second thought don’t do that. I think that’s how David Carradine died.

Anyway, happy weekend, everybody.

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