Major League Baseball has taken control of the Los Angeles Dodgers in an effort to keep the storied franchise from becoming an especially terrible episode of “Yes, Dear.” The team has been “increasingly paralyzed” by the bitter divorce of its owners, Frank and Jamie McCourt, and after like two years of ham-fisted bickering and accusations of malfeasance and bodyguard-driver laying, somebody finally stepped in and said “you are milliionaires, stop acting like dumb babies.”

In news that should surprise nobody, the Dodgers themselves have no idea what is happening.

General manager Ned Colletti: “I consider it a sad day for baseball and a sad day for the Dodgers.”

Acclaimed wordsmith Don Mattingly: “It’s hard to imagine it would happen somewhere like the Dodgers, but there’s crazy stuff going on everywhere.”

Frank McCourt: “Major League Baseball sets strict financial guidelines, which all 30 teams must follow … The Dodgers are in compliance with these guidelines. On this basis, it is hard to understand the commissioner’s action today.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Despite a report from TMZ that San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker was divorcing television actress Eva Longoria, it’s actually Longoria that has filed to end her marriage of over 3 years to the NBA star.

The petition cites only the standard “irreconcilable differences” for the split. But this past week the couple have been rocked with infidelity rumors, with claims that Tony has been unfaithful.

Longoria is seeking spousal support from Parker, but no other financial matters are listed. The petition says their date of separation is still to be determined.

–People.

Apparently, and you’ll never believe this, Parker was trading text messages with a “mutual female friend” for over a year. Text messages? I’m stunned. Well, she was Latino, he was teammates with Tim Duncan; it was a miracle that they lasted this long. I’m still amazed that anyone famous still gets married anymore. See what you’re missing, gays? No, that’s a joke. The gays will figure out how to stay married before any straight people do.

Tiger Woods is trying to get out of his marriage faster than Usain Bolt. The golf wonder is in quiet negotiations with his soon-to-be-exwife, and while the Elin’s division of the assets seems to be in the $400 million range, Tiger has focused his fight on his custody of the couple’s two children.

Sources say one of the options is to actually file for divorce in Sweden — Elin wants to move there with the kids and Tiger would have to submit to the jurisdiction of the court. Wherever the divorce is filed, the plan is to keep the custody and property settlement agreements out of the court file. We’re told the quicker and quieter the divorce, the better.

The big issue, we’re told — Tiger wants either custody or visitation, and assurance that he can go into court and enforce the agreement if Elin violates it. –TMZ.

Dwyane Wade, however, seems to be faring much better. Read the rest of this entry »

At least one report out there in the series of tubes is quoting a source close to Elin Nordegren, wife of Tiger Woods (for now, anyway). The source has said that the great reconciliation between Tiger and Elin isn’t happening, and that divorce is imminent. And Cablinasia weeps.

Meanwhile, the insider says that “nonstop construction” continues on the $3 million home in Vaxholm which Elin purchased in December. “She is definitely planning on spending a lot of time there — they are gutting it,” the source says of the private-island estate on Sweden’s west coast.

The mom and former model, 30, is “working hard” to speed up renovations. “She and the kids are going to be spending most of the summer there,” the source says. “Without Tiger.” –US Weekly, via HuffPo.

Tiger, meanwhile, has confirmed that he will play in the Players Championship next month and the US Open in June, which is more of a commitment than he seems to have made in patching things up with Elin. Who would have thought of a Swedish supermodel to be so high maintenance? Leave the air conditioning on! Stop banging whores! Hold still while I swing this wedge at your face! That sounds worse than being with some of those American women. You know who you are, ladies.

We were all shocked, shocked when Dwyane Wade’s wife filed for divorce from the Miami Heat star in 2007, mainly because we didn’t think anybody blew the whistle on Wade. Wade was also accused of giving his wife an STD, a notion that has been challenged with sworn testimony from a friend of the family.

Siohvaughn Wade has claimed in legal docs the Miami Heat guard gave her chlamydia. But during a deposition, Andrea Williams … a close friend of the Wades — claimed Siohvaughn told her she contracted the disease from another man. –TMZ.

Wade never struck me as much of a team player, or a horrible guy, really. But honestly, Siovaughn should have gotten out of there the second she saw him hanging out with Charles Barkley. I can’t imagine a creature on this earth with two or four legs with whom Barkley wouldn’t get down. Eh, discriminating tastes are overrated, anyway. At least that’s what my one-armed Vietnamese tranny friend keeps telling me. Read the rest of this entry »

Earlier today, Deadspin cited an online report, saying that noted FOX sports broadcaster and alleged douchebag Joe Buck was separating from his wife. The source? Joe’s mom, Carol.

“They’re taking a break,” said Joe’s mom, Carol Buck. Buck, the son of the late legendary sportscaster Jack Buck, helms “Joe Buck Live” on HBO and continues his chores on FOX. –Berger’s Beat, via Deadspin.

Way to be optimistic, Mom. You make it sound like he’s just running out for lunch. “He’s just running out to grab a quick lunch and a 15-year-old from Singapore.” I guess that a woman that lived with two baseball announcers would develop a knack for understatement. Are you taking on other clients, Mrs. Buck? There’s a certain quarterback in Pittsburgh that you use your expertise at the moment.