We like to joke around a lot about how pathetic and obviously fake the marriage between eventual NBA free agent Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian was, but the humor goes a long way to cover up the same anger and contempt that we all share for the way these fake celebrities manipulate this country’s TV zombie audience, how it led to a colossal payday for the Kardashian Klan, and how Kim has the last laugh after only 72 days of marriage.

Yesterday, the Twitterverse erupted in an amazing response to the divorce of Humphries and Kardashian, starting with comedian Rob Delaney’s hilarious lawsuit threat and culminating with the gay community vilifying Kardashian’s greed in terrible economic times and her indifference to the people who are legally unable to treat the institution of marriage with respect. While that’s all fine and dandy, I just wanted people to pile on and make fun of these spectacular fame whore losers until the weight completely crushed this empire.

Thankfully, someone came through. Some wonderful person posted an ad on Craigslist yesterday for a public vigil to mourn this divorce. And you bet your ass people showed up and made this one of the most spectacular moments of the year.

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Speculation has been running rampant on sites where “Lindsay Lohan has gross teeth” is news for weeks, and it’s about to become official: Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian are divorcing. If you just screamed “GET OUT” and shoved your computer with both hands, you are awesome.

From The Scoop:

TMZ is reporting that Kim K is expected to file for divorce Monday from her husband, and she’ll cite the cause as “irreconcilable differences,” and list the day of separation as Oct. 31, 2011. Also, Ryan Seacrest offered up a tweet confirming the news, saying Kardashian is filing for divorce.

The trouble-in-paradise rumor mill has been churning overtime on this one, and the couple’s decision to spend Halloween apart seemed to be a final nail in the coffin.

I’m pretty mad about the Halloween thing myself, as Kim was dressed as the Batman & Robin version of Poison Ivy but Kris as the COOL PAHTY Arnold Schwarzenegger variant of Mr. Freeze was nowhere to be found.

I think we should look back on the two-ish months of Kardashian-Humphries-Kardashian wedded bliss and consider our lessons learned. The first lesson is that no matter how reprehensible these people seem, no matter how little they deserve to be famous, they are real, living people who deserve the same respect and privacy as you and me. Lesson two is that the E! Network is faker than pro wrestling, and that everyone on it more human than Lou the Chihuahua should be followed around by the “YOU’RE A BIG FAT PHONY” character from ‘Family Guy’ at all times. Lesson three, Kim Kardashian earned $17.9 million to marry a guy, turn it into a series of cable television specials and divorce him 72 days later but it is gay men and women in love who are ruining the sanctity of marriage. Lesson four, the NBA Lockout has gone on long enough for one of its players to get married and divorced. Lesson five, Kim and Reggie Bush are this century’s Romeo and Juliet, except they end up together and everyone around them dies.

Next season on ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’, Kim gets introduced to Tim Tebow and the sparks fly.

Yesterday, I brought you the sad news that the incredibly real marriage between Kim Kardashian and the missing link Kris Humphries may be on the rocks. Today I regret to inform you that Humphries was spotted recently without his wedding ring, and Kardashian’s mom, Satan Kris Jenner, sent out a press release confirming that her daughter is just too busy for love.

Humphries is also being accused of getting phone numbers from random girls while he’s out partying, and I would like to meet these girls so I can explain to them that he’s a clumsy backup forward who somehow managed to average a double-double last season by playing garbage minutes for a crappy team. I mean, they could at least hit on Brandon Bass.

But I’m an optimist, friends, and I think this couple that made $17 million off their wedding and could probably double that by getting a divorce is just going through a bumpy phase and there’s a darn good reason why Humphries wasn’t wearing his ring. And if there’s not a darn good reason, I came up with a few excuses that he can use since he isn’t exactly a Rhodes Scholar.

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Hey Dodgers fans, remember the good old days, back when Frank McCourt was a principled, passionate businessman who pulled himself up by the bootstraps and led L.A. to championship prosperity alongside his beautiful, fresh-faced wife Jamie? Are you able to recall how Baseball Camelot dissolved into a two-year long hodge podge of bankruptcy, behind-closed-doors usurping and “who owns which parking lot”-style tough guy back-and-forth? Well, 24 months and $20.6 million in legal bills later, the McCourts have reached a Dodgers-related divorce settlement, readying fans for a return to … well, one of those times.

From the LAT Sports page:

Frank and Jamie McCourt have reached a divorce settlement under which she would get about $130 million and relinquish any claim to a share of the Dodgers, multiple people familiar with the agreement told The Times.

The settlement would remove Jamie McCourt as an obstacle to Frank McCourt’s plan to retain ownership of the team by selling the Dodgers’ television rights in U.S. Bankruptcy Court. The agreement also would appear to set up a winner-take-all court showdown for the Dodgers between Frank McCourt and Commissioner Bud Selig.

As straight-forward as that reads, even that gets followed by a “the people familiar with the agreement spoke on condition of anonymity because the settlement has not been finalized”. That’s really the defining statement of the costliest divorce in California history; if the Los Angeles Times posted a story saying “Frank McCourt says sky is blue” they’d have to follow it with “however, due to outstanding legal claims, the McCourts would like to announce that the atmosphere and light scattering contribute to the sky’s purported blueness, though the science could neither be confirmed or denied at this time”.

The other key is the “winner-take-all court showdown” line, which hopefully leads to Frank McCourt and Bud Selig battling each other with pugil sticks on raised platforms above a room filled waist-high with Manny Ramirez dread-wigs.

"BUY THIS HOUSE, BROTHER!"

Back in 2007, it was revealed that Hulk Hogan had cheated on his wife, Linda, with a 33-year old woman who worked on Brooke Hogan’s album in 2006. It was also back in 2006 when Hogan’s family showed the first sign of crumbling, when their huge Belleair (before you get excited that’s in Clearwater, FL) mansion hit the market for a whopping $25 million. In retrospect, it made sense because Linda took the Hulkster to the cleaners in their divorce settlement. Well, she didn’t get the house, so that money belongs to Hulk.

You know, when he actually sells it.

According to published reports, Hogan tried selling the 17,145-square-foot home in 2006 for $25 million. Then the asking price was cut to $13.9 million. This past February, it was slashed to $10.9 million.

The property appraiser’s officer says the market value is $5.4 million.

The house at 130 Willadel Drive has five bedrooms, eight bathrooms and three half-bathrooms, according to a listing by Coldwell Banker Residential Real Estate.

(Via Tampa Bay Online)

Oof, that’s a hell of a drop off, brother. While I’m not a real estate agent, I did once sublet my house to a hipster couple on Craigslist so I feel like I’m qualified enough to offer the Hulkster some advice – burn it down and collect the insurance money. Hold on, I’m getting a call on the Uproxx hotline from Danger Guerrero… apparently my suggestion is illegal. OK, idea No. 2 – sell it to me for $5.

This is one of those stories where there has to be more to it, because honestly, Jesus: Boston Red Sox pitcher John Lackey has filed for divorce from his wife, Krista.

“What’s so bad about that?”, you might ask, assuming it has something to do with her being pretty and him looking like an older, fatter, grosser version of Xander from “Buffy The Vampire Slayer”. What’s so bad about that is Krista is currently in the middle of a battle with breast cancer. She underwent a double mastectomy back in March and was in chemo as recently as June. Keeping all of that in mind, please read John’s reason for divorce, courtesy of TMZ:

Lackey filed on August 30, according to court docs in Texas, claiming “the marriage has become insupportable because of discord or conflict of personalities.” Krista and John got married in November, 2008.

The divorce petition says John and Krista had a prenup. It also says Lackey has “separate property” he wants to keep for himself.

See what I mean about hoping there’s more to it? We don’t know the specifics of what went down between the two and chemo is rough; it is literally poison and can change the way your brain works. Everything you read about this is going to be designed from the headline down to make Lackey look like a piece of sh*t, and with good reason — if it turns out his “conflict of personality” was Krista being a dying wife and John not wanting to deal with it, yeah, he should get tossed in that John Edwards and Newt Gingrich pile of irreparable douchebags who never deserved a wife in the first place. If it turns out that these are three dimensional people going through the same problems as everyone else … well, Jesus, there’s really no way out, is there?

Here’s to hoping breast cancer had nothing to do with it, and Krista divorced him because he couldn’t keep his ERA under six.