If the NBA Playoffs started today, there would probably be a bunch of pissed off season ticket holders who would be like, “Yo, WTF, there are still 30 games left!” and then David Stern would laugh like a madman and throw lightning bolts at children. But it would also mean that the Brooklyn Nets would have the No. 4 seed in the Eastern Conference and a very intense first round matchup with the Chicago Bulls. The good news, though, is that the playoffs don’t start today.

Because the NBA Playoffs start on April 20, the bad news for Nets fans, if they choose to believe it, is that the long-awaited Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian divorce hearing will finally begin on May 6, and the most trusted source in NBA, marital and legal news is reporting that K-Hump would completely f*ck his team over just to finally prove that Kardashian married him for fraudulent reasons, thus exposing her as a fabricated, opportunistic fame monger and totally shocking the one person on Earth who didn’t already know this.

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Divorce is never cause for celebration, unless it involves Olivia Wilde in a year or so – sorry, Jason Sudeikis, we love you but… it’s an Internet thing – and it pains me to bring more light to the recent news that NASCAR’s first lady of turning left, Danica Patrick, and her husband, that guy who she married, are indeed calling quits after seven years. Patrick and Paul Hospenthal, if that is his real name, filed in Arizona, where a couple can get divorced for any reason under the sun, so I hope they go with something cool like, “Refusal to Invest in Shark Fighting League”.

Unfortunately, they went with a boring reason, as the Sporting news reported first:

Danica Patrick filed for divorce on Jan 3. in the Superior Court of Arizona, citing an “irretrievably broken” marriage with her husband, Paul Hospenthal.

Sort of like how my heart was irretrievably broken when Wilde got engaged to Sudeikis. But back to this announcement, someone’s getting taken to the cleaners, right?

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Damn it, McKayla. Stop smiling.

The U.S. women’s gymnastics team, or the Fierce 5 as they’ve come to be known, is the hottest ticket in America right now, with their recent appearances on The Late Show with David Letterman and at the Stock Exchange (above). On top of that, Gabby Douglas – who is the first black woman in history to become the individual, all-around champion in gymnastics – appeared on The Tonight Show with Michelle Obama earlier this week, and now she’s signed a deal to appear on America’s Got Talent.

Now keep in mind that Douglas is only 16-years old. That’s important because it only magnifies how sh*tty this next piece of news is.

A family feud has erupted between the estranged parents of Olympic gymnast Gabby Douglas over the millions she stands to earn as a result of winning the gold medal in London, according to a new report. (Via the NY Post)

This is just awful. Why can’t Michelle Obama step in and tell her parents to screw off while she creates a bank account specifically for Gabby? Would anybody be against that?

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For the past few months, Kim Kardashian and her family of reality TV gypsies have tried their hardest to play the PR game in the wake of her divorce from New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries. As we’ve discussed with great fervor and joy, the public response to her divorce after 72 days of marriage was fiery and hateful, as the Kardashians tried very hard to play the role of victims after milking Kim’s big day for approximately $17 million. Allegedly.

The PR game, of course, was controlled by the producers of Khloe and Kim Take New York, as each episode of the show made Humphries out to be the most despicable man on the planet. Some of us knew better than that – because he’s too dumb to be evil – but Humphries still needed a chance to expose the actual reality and not E!’s warped version.

BOOM! Welcome to divorce court.

Sources tell us … Kris and his lawyer, Lee Hutton, want to “expose the M.O. of reality TV” by proving Kim had no intention of staying married to him, but just wanted big ratings for her reality show.

Now here’s the irony. The duo wants to prove their point by asking the judge to allow TMZ and TV stations to broadcast the trial — something that the judge might find a tad hypocritical … not that we’re complaining. (Via TMZ)

Ummmmm, no. That’s not what hypocritical means, guys. Hypocritical would be Humphries selling the rights to air the divorce after he and his management team edits it to show the “reality” that he wants to show.

What Humphries and his lawyer want to do is broadcast the divorce hearings so us jerkholes that have been bagging on him can see the real truth – that Kim and her mom, Kris Jenner, are manipulative divas with no talent other than preying on the dimwitted for the sake of profit, and that the wedding was their ultimate masterpiece.

But of course TMZ points out one big problem…

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With Leather's 2011 Random Hot Girl Who Was Shoehorned Into The News, Jessica Burciaga

As always, we take tabloid gossip about our favorite superstar athletes with a grain of salt because tabloids suck, but we also can’t ignore their reports because they’re usually so hilarious. In the case of Kobe Bryant, well, “once a cheater” and all that jazz. Fresh off a pretty embarrassing 4th quarter choke job against my preseason No. 3 Chicago Bulls, the news around the Los Angeles Lakers is less about Bryant’s 27 points (and 8 turnovers) with a torn ligament in his wrist and more about what will presumably be an incredibly messy divorce from his wife of 11 years, Vanessa.

According to the collection of “professional” poop-throwers known as TMZ, Kobe is super bummed that Vanessa is heading for the big D – and we don’t mean Dallas *spits tobacco* – and now he’s using his two daughters to make Vanessa realize that she can still make more money married to Kobe it work.

Kobe Bryant has NOT given up on saving his marriage … and sources close to the family tell us his two daughters are playing a major role in his effort to reconcile … TMZ has learned.

We’re told Kobe is “deeply depressed” over the situation — and is very concerned about how his daughters will handle growing up in two separate households.

Thanks TMZ, all I wanted for Christmas was a collection of sloppy ellipses. Kobe could very well be trying to salvage his marriage, which would make sense if anyone values more than half of $300 million, but I think we can probably agree that after a 2003 rape allegation that turned into an admitted affair and now these allegations that he cheated with Playmate Jessica Burciaga (above in case you aren’t staring and are actually reading this) among others, it’s going to take a pretty huge ring to get Vanessa to stick around after this one. And I just so happen to have a picture of that ring after the jump.

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We’ve obviously known for quite some time that Hulk Hogan and his wife, Linda, had gone through a nasty divorce in 2009. But a few weeks ago, the St. Petersburg Times finally revealed the details of that divorce and holy hell Hogan got suplexed.

Details from the settlement show Linda Bollea received $7.44 million of the couple’s $10.41 million that was held in bank and investment accounts. Terry Bollea got the remaining $2.97 million.

They also agreed to sell all of their properties and Linda receives $3 million of all property sales first, and then they’ll split all profits after that. Additionally, Linda took a bunch of Hulk’s cars and she gets a nice chunk of his personal brand earnings. This deal is so bad that even the NBA owners are like, “Dammmmmmmmmn.”

And now the news gets even worse for the Hogan family, who are no strangers to courtrooms after they eventually settled with the family of John Graziano – the former marine who will spend the rest of his life being treated by nurses because Nick drives like an asshole – for what is rumored to be $5 million. So it’s only fitting that Nick is in trouble again because of his driving. A woman is suing Hogan because of injuries she incurred when the two were involved in a car accident two years ago. God, I hate when those injuries just sneak up on you.

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