This has already been a paramount year for people who have long wondered why there aren’t more TV shows that feature celebrities jumping into swimming pools. Back in January, FOX debuted Stars in Danger: The High Dive and, soon after, ABC began filming its own celebrity diving show, Splash, which finally debuted last night.
There has been a lot of buzz around Splash ever since Stars in Danger made its debut – and especially because ABC canceled Don’t Trust the B for it, thus ruining my year – and last night America was able to see this latest batch of belly-floppers, including Miss Alabama USA and star of the BCS Championship Game, Katherine Webb.
Yesterday, the above picture popped up on this Reddit thread (or possibly here first, according to Internet police) with a series of other divers photoshopped on the toilet, and quite frankly I’ve never been so proud of the Internet. So I went in search of more diver photoshops, hoping that I would find a golden treasury – perhaps even some holy divers *air guitars* – and what I actually found was an endless obsession with English diver Tom Daley. Even worse, millions of women keep telling me that I look just like Daley, and I’m flattered, but I’m definitely more handsome.
Despite the lack of an infinite amount of pooping diver photoshops, I was mildly impressed with the results of an hour-long Tumblr search, based on the numerous posts on various sites about *taps mic* did you ever notice how Olympic divers make the funniest faces? Then I saw what the fine folks in the Reddit photoshop battles thread were doing with it and I felt much better. Check out their efforts after the dump, er, jump, and if you can beat these, post your best effort in the comments and you might get a free With Leather t-shirt.
"Siri, remind me to watch the MAHGFAQQINN LYMPICS."
One of the strangest and most precious gems from this weekend was discovering that Pulp Fiction slash The Avengers slash Star Wars slash everything else star Samuel L. Jackson loves the 2012 Summer Olympics and can’t stop tweeting about them.
It’s important to stress that this is not a parody, and that these are real tweets from @SamuelLJackson. They cover everything from handball to sync diving to Malaysian badminton, all with Jackson’s contractually obligated tendency to shoehorn curse words into anything he’s saying. The guy works in “f**k” like Jackson Pollock worked in drip. He spells it however he wants, puts it wherever he wants whether it makes sense or not and sometimes ends up with a mangle of consonants because he’s SAMUEL L. MARGHFAGGUIN JACKSON.
Normally I’d want to provide some kind of commentary or context for these, but that’d be like touching a baby bird. Two major warnings before you proceed:
1. These tweets may contain harsh language, and reader discretion is advised.
2. These tweets may contain language you did not know existed.
Please enjoy 20 of the best Sam Jackson tweets from this weekend, and join us every day between now and the end of the Olympics for 20 more.
This not-terribly-exciting video of LeBron James wandering up a high-dive at a Barcelona pool and not being able to dive for several minutes because people are watching him and expecting him to do well is making the rounds on the Internet, and yes, it is both a lesson in overcoming fear and an easy-to-explain example of King James failing in the clutch. It takes him like two minutes to do a weak cannonball, and he only does that when an announcer goads him on and plays a rap song about LeBron James. This is all well and good, but a lot of people are missing the point.
Why does it take LeBron so long to jump? It has nothing to do with fourth-quarter performance: He is Jonathan Brandis. In fact, it was his most Brandis-like excursion since that time he talked to Dolphins.
No, he didn’t kill himself.
In The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter, Brandis is a member of the swim team. He has to jump off the high-dive, but he’s got a fear of heights, so every time he goes up there he stalls and imagines he’s about to plummet to his death in Niagara Falls. He ends up running away to an old bookstore and finding The NeverEnding Story, and upon reading it is whisked away to the land of Fantasia where he must team up with a weird man-bird to defeat the evil sorceress Xayide and her magical army of mechanical giants. After a bunch of Wizard Of Oz and Star Wars-like things happen, Brandis conquers his fear of heights and dives off a cliff to return home.
My working theory here is that LeBron faced a similar experience, and took two minutes to jump because he was off somewhere in his imagination wishing Xayide (or “the media”) had a heart. It’s a nerdy reference, sure, but tell me he isn’t always hanging out with Chris Bosh (weird man-bird) and trying to defeat mechanical giants (Dirk Nowitzki). We don’t get to see what happens when he climbs back out of the pool, but I’m gonna guess that when he surfaced he was in Akron.
So this guy took a dive from 35 feet into a kiddie pool that was only filled with 12 inches of cold water. [they measured it!] Denver’s very own “Professor Splash” set a world record dive, his sixth.
“The pain lasts for a minute, but the glory lasts for a lifetime.”
I don’t know how impressed I should be with this. That’s a long GD way to fall, but it would be so much better if he jumped into a glass of water. Or maybe some ranch dip and celery. Holy crap, I love celery. It’s my second-favorite thing to eat with a groove. –FanDome.
I don’t care who you are or how much you hate cruelty to other people or how many trees you hugged last week. If a fat guy takes a running start of the end of a dock, YOU ARE WATCHING. And this fellow, with whom I’m unfamiliar, decides to indulge his friends and, thanks to the power of technology: the world. But did we mention that this is in the dead of winter and that the lake might be…frozen?
Oh. They mentioned the frozen part in the headline. Thanks for nothing, College Humor.