Hi, professional athletes. I’m just going to assume that you all are reading this, because why wouldn’t you? Recently, I wrote an award-winning piece about the 20 sports moments that I believed had truly transcended all others this year, and everyone from the Pulitzer committee to several bisexual Penthouse Pets agreed that it was the best thing they’d ever read. They especially appreciated the very first moment (No. 20) that I mentioned, which was Nicolas Batum punching an opponent in the balls as hard as he could.

Batum, of course, famously tried to justify his testicular attack by accusing Team Spain of flopping and intentionally losing a game to Brazil so they didn’t have to play Team USA. Even if that’s true – and it probably is – that is no excuse to hit another man in the testicles. That brings us to last night, when Miami Heat star Dwyane Wade kicked Ramon Sessions in the balls on purpose and received no punishment for it.

Now let’s go to the video.

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I almost called him “The Ndamukong Suh Of Football.” Remember when Suh fell down and his leg just happened to float straight up into the air, find itself directly in front of Matt Schaub’s junk and kick “for stability” because it’d become sentient and detached from the rest of Suh’s body?

Meet Pepe, the hobby horse Portuguese professional footballer for Real Madrid who has similar magic nut-crushing leg problems. Here we see him getting frustrated and kung-fu kicking backwards, accidentally stomping Celta Vigo’s Soto Roberto Lago in the dick. I’m sure he didn’t meant to do it — I don’t think soccer players would ever intentionally hurt one another — but hey, sometimes your leg’s brain goes AWOL and makes it boondoggle the nearest pair of balls.

If he didn’t do it on purpose, my theory is that he was going for this:

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Here are some great jokes about this video of a shifty series of events at a women’s college soccer match, assuming you are a total asshole:

1. What a crazy looking kitchen! It’s full of grass and people playing soccer!
2. “C’mon it’s not like she hasn’t had balls in her face before…”
3. She throws like a girl!
4. something else about kitchens

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I hope you enjoy one of the most spectacularly dirty plays I’ve ever seen, and a living exercise in one player not being able to figure out how to get her face the hell away from the ball. She’s throwing it at your head over and over, pay attention! Or shit, worse case scenario, kick her in the chest with your shin when she jogs by to chat with the ref. Zidane her. Do something besides just standing there holding your head like a goon.

All joking aside, I think we can all agree that the lady chucking soccer balls at peoples’ faces in the history’s most low-stakes game is the worst person and the best ever at soccer.

[h/t to OTBS]

"HE HAD A BUG ON HIS SHOULDER!"

For the Green Bay Packers, the Thanksgiving against the Detroit Lions was business as usual. The Packers won 27-15 and remain undefeated, while the Lions now have to worry about the fate of Ndamukong Suh, who entered the game as the overwhelming players’ consensus as the dirtiest player in the NFL. With the game still well within reach for his team, Suh found himself tangled up with Packers offensive lineman Evan Dietrich-Smith, leading to a Thanksgiving tribute to Albert Haynesworth.

Suh, as video highlights will prove until another player does something even more stupid to top it, shoved Dietrich-Smith’s helmet into the ground as he stood up and then, for good measure, stomped his shoulder. Of course, us Friday Morning Quarterbacks have the easy job of watching video to determine what happened. We’re not down in the thick of it to experience what really happened. Take Suh’s version, for instance.

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