I could have sworn that somebody on this here incredible UPROXX network had already written about the Dikembe Mutombo Geico commercial, or maybe it’s just that I’ve watched it so many times that it’s tattooed on my brain and I see his goofy grin every time I open my eyes. Whatever the case may be, between my ridiculous car insurance payments and commercials about human women wanting to have sex with pigs, it’s very rare that I would compliment a Geico ad. But damn it, that Dikembe Mutombo ad is fantastic.

But you know that already, because you’ve probably watched it a billion times, too. The reason that I bring this up so late in the ad world game is because the NBA All-Star Weekend starts tonight and I believe my excitement can be summed up by the following GIF…

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We haven’t really discussed Flash games since we found out about Old Spice’s “Dikembe Mutombo’s 4.5 Weeks to Save the World”, which was far and away the best game that you could waste time at work with in 2012. But flash games are my dirty little secret, so when a new, fun game pops up on the radar, I’m usually gonna throw a few minutes at it to see what the fuss is all about, because I’m a child who refuses to grow up. This week’s buzzworthy game is fittingly sports-related, as you can tell from the title of this post, and it’s called “Winnie the Pooh Home Run Derby”. Hehe, Pooh.

So what’s the big deal about some paint-by-numbers kid’s game? I mean, it’s no Pinch Hitter 2, right? Apparently, this game was discovered by a random 4chan user and then picked up by another Reddit user, and suddenly Winnie’s Derby became the hardest game on the Internet. Just ask the Reddit users in this thread.

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If you thought that Old Spice had really stepped to the forefront of hilarious commercials in the last year, you’re about to get a swift kick to your funny boner from Dikembe Mutombo. For some reason that I don’t even care about at this point, the company behind my deodorant has released an online video game called “Dikembe Mutombo’s 4 ½ Weeks To Save The World” and yes, it is absolutely as awesome as you’d expect it to be. How awesome is it? The cursor is a wagging finger. I should just stop and let you play, because that should be all the reason you need.

But it gets so much better with Mutombo’s voice, the Mayan apocalypse, ridiculous game levels including “Week One: The Great 2012 Dance Crisis” and “Week Two: The Blurgpocalypse”, and guest characters such as Science the Bear, who makes me wish I was his best friend. Anyway, you don’t need to hear anymore. You can either jump to the Old Spice website and play the game or you can just hang out after the jump and play it with me for the rest of the day (heads up, it starts automatically with sound, so get them speakers down).

It’s your choice, and it should be easy, because I’m handsome.

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"Yours for $5000. Priced to move."

Okay. This is the best. And by “the best,” I mean “kind of the worst except for the sheer ridiculousness of that headline.” The Houston Chronicle published an in-depth report on Sunday chronicling an alleged scheme to smuggle gold from Africa to America that involved former NBA All-Star Dikembe Mutombo.

Dikembe Mutombo represented that the gold belonged to him and “his people,” said St. Mary, whose work as a trader in rough diamonds has taken him to dangerous places with sketchy characters. Asked why the transaction would take place in Kenya, Mutombo said there was “too much shady stuff in Kinshasa” — Congo’s capital — and that Nairobi was closer to his village, St. Mary said. Mutombo was to supply both product and paperwork, and Lawal was to provide funds for the purchase and to cover expenses.

St. Mary was to evaluate the gold and find buyers.

“He had an answer for everything,” St. Mary said of Mutombo as they went through the details of the proposed deal.

At various points over the next two months, St. Mary thought the whole thing smelled fishy. [Houston Chronicle]

The whole thing is honestly a little confusing. Apparently Mutombo claimed the gold was his while setting up the deal, but then he started demanding a huge upfront fee. And later some guy had to pay $30 million when the deal went south because an African general was holding his people and plane hostage. I don’t know. The most important takeaway of the story is this: this needs to be turned into a movie. Like, A LOT. I feel like Dikembe Mutombo: Gold Smuggler could be a great film if we got the right director attached. For example, me. I want to direct this movie. And write it. I’ll film the whole thing in the jungle, where I will go mad with power and exceed my budget by $50 million. When I eventually turn in my final cut, it will be seven hours long and inexplicably include an extended sequence involving Rafer Alston playing streetball with African warlords. It will be like Blood Diamond meets Above the Rim, with a splash of Apocalypse Now.

I await your offer, Hollywood.

Via SB Nation

If this isn't reason enough for more Dikembe Mutombo coverage, I don't know what it takes.  Here are Deke's Rockets teammates — still amidst that 19-game winning streak — providing commentary on and impressions of the 41-year-old center (full name: Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean Jacque Wamutombo).  He's probably one of three or four people on Earth that actually warrants a reality TV show about his life.  Please, TV gods, make it happen.

On the off chance that you've never seen Deke play golf, ride a horse, or wax poetic about life in general, this is is mandatory viewing.

[Odenized via Deadspin] 

This video has been around for a while — for all I know, TrueHoop linked to it six months ago — but it's new to me, and I love it.  Dikembe Mutombo was one of the most feared defensive players in the NBA for years, and he's also remarkably outspoken for someone whose English is largely unintelligible.  But we shouldn't be surprised by his athletic prowess or his willingness to say whatever's on his mind.  It's not like NBA players or the media can be all that intimidating if you grow up in Africa.  If you can survive a childhood full of lion attacks, drought, militias, and dinosaurs with AIDS, the NBA's gotta be a cakewalk.