Conan O’Brien wrapped up his week in Atlanta last night with a terrific bit that combined a number of things very near and dear to me: 1) Dunks; 2) Charles Barkley; 3) Mean jokes at Shaq’s expense; 4) References to Dick Vitale’s penis (don’t ask); and 5) Stupid shenanigans involving trampolines and silly costumes. Pretty much the perfect storm for me.

Specifically, the bit was called “Weird Dunking Mascots,” and it featured Barkley and Vitale critiquing a number of awful dunk attempts by the insane mascots the show created, (examples include Obese Colonel Sanders and Superman With His Cape Stuck In A Toilet) and tossing some pretty decent burns at each other in the process. Say what you will about Dick Vitale as an announcer, I give him a world of credit for going back to the old fat joke well more than once for his digs at Barkley. That’s dedication. And I give Barkley a world of credit for blowtorching Shaq, his Inside the NBA co-host, with that Superman line. Charles ain’t care, not even a little.

But mostly I’m posting this so I can give a public shoutout to Obese Colonel Sanders, who somehow got the ball to go in the basket despite jumping off a trampoline while wearing a big poofy fat suit and fake facial hair on national television. That alone makes him more qualified to earn starter minutes in the NBA than Spencer Hawes.

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If The Pope has done nothing else to help the world, he’s gotten Dick Vitale to shut up. Temporarily.

The legendary sportscaster and professional caps-lock yeller had a chance to briefly meet and greet Pope Benedict XVI on Tuesday while on vacation in Italy, and as a man of faith he seemed so legitimately excited about it I can only make so much fun. Although he does type exactly like he talks.

Another tweet added “Can’t wait 4 the photos taken by the Pope’s staff- in awe as we made small talk .Asked his Holiness to pray 4 peace in our world & 4 my fam.” I would’ve loved to listen in on that conversation. Vitale goes UNBELIEVABLE BABY and kisses the Pope’s ring, then tells him he wants world peace. The Pope sorta scratches his head and goes “sh**, okay, don’t know why I didn’t think of that”. He should’ve asked the Pope what he thinks Rex Ryan’s tattoo means.

Of course, the religious experience wasn’t enough to change Dick’s human nature, and within a few hours he was back to his old self, sharing Italian vacation stories only Dick Vitale could find interesting.

That wouldn’t have anything to do with you just hanging out with the Pope, would it?

[via Twitter]

What’s that? Does college football “analyst” Dick Vitale have some sort of inherent bias for Duke men’s basketball coach Mike Mike Krzyzewski. This is news to me. I always thought of Dick Vitale as an unbiased journalist, just like I think of everyone else at ESPN. Any thoughts on that, Will Leitch?

Vitale returned from his throat surgery last night for the Duke-UNC game, and we were reminded once again how much we absolutely cannot stand him … Those who say Vitale is owed a considerable amount of credit for college basketball’s explosion over the last 15 years sound correct to us: When our Illini team of 1989, with Nick Anderson, Kenny Battle and Kendall Gill, busted out, it was Vitale whose voice we would all imitate while playing basketball in the back yard. “The Flying Illini, Baby!”

Of course, we were 13 years old, and 13-year-olds are stupid.

–Leitch/Deadspin [2008].

That’s about right. But why am I getting all worked up? College basketball doesn’t start until March.

Syracuse won that game, by the way

“First pitch got me right in the rib area,” Vitale told Fox Sports’ Todd Kalas. “(It was the) first time I’ve ever had a line drive in 11 years come into this box since I’ve been here. And I’m going to tell you, man, it came like a bullet, and I was really worried. But fortunately, I feel fine.” –USAToday

Video of said shellacking after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

It seems crazy to talk about college basketball outside of March and early April, but I suppose it counts as news when the top-ranked team loses for the third week in a row — to the previous #1 team! Wow! Can you believe how wacky sports are?!?!?

Anyway. #4 Wake Forest toppled Duke 70-68 with a late layup from James Johnson, although you can barely glean that from the video, because the mongoloids in the booth are hardly capable of giving competent play-by-play and analysis. Oh yes, that’s right: Dick Vitale is calling a Duke game. You may want to take some preventive measures before listening to the clip, like puncturing your eardrums with an ice pick. You’ll thank me later.

Good news for everyone who showed up this morning hoping to see an annoying old man wearing a ball gown, because Dick Vitale donned Cinderella gear to advertise Tampa's tourney games in what is almost certainly the sexiest Tampa Tribune of all time.

You know, it would be okay if this were Photoshopped.  I expect to see Vitale in unsexy Photoshops, like fellating Mike Krzyzewski, or servicing a bunch of blue-painted cocks in a Cameron Crazy gang bang.  But this is the real deal, and there's video of him in the dress to prove it.  Says Dickie V in the video:

"I do anything for PR, don't I?"

Like hell you do, you little slut.  Put on some glass slippers or don't dress like Cinderella at all.  I won't stand for a drag queen who half-asses it.  Work it, bitch!

[Fan IQ]