Via Yahoo! Movies came the exclusive news yesterday that NBA free agent superstar center Dwight Howard, formerly of the Orlando Magic and possibly the Los Angeles Lakers, has already made one decision about where he’ll be playing in the immediate future – a movie studio sound booth. The man who calls himself Superman but has a spine more qualified to play Reed Richards has signed on to voice a character in the upcoming animated film Free Birds.

Starring (the voices of) Woody Harrelson, Owen Wilson and Amy Poehler, Free Birds is a Thanksgiving-themed story about some turkeys who travel back in time to stop humans from turning them into the official birds of Thanksgiving. Howard would play “Cold Turkey” and I’m assuming that he’s going to be some sort of civil rights era, jive-talking bird that would put Michael Bay’s minstrel bots to shame.

Howard landed the role because he’s repped by Relativity Sports and Relativity is producing Free Birds along with Reel FX. In fact, the Relativity is quite proud to show off its talented flock of acting athletes, as evidenced in their “We Crush Acting” comedy video released earlier this week.

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This is how he threw all game.

The toughest part of the Thanksgiving week of NFL action for us fantasy football addicts has to be the three days off between games. Sure, we have Thursday games every week, but that typically means that we have one or maybe two guys playing at most. When you have six of the NFL’s best teams playing on Thanksgiving, though, you’re talking half of an entire fantasy roster in some cases. That means if your players have bad games, you’re stuck staring at those piss poor stats for the next several days and wondering what the hell went wrong.

Even worse, you’re left breaking down the stats and scenarios for what you still need to win, and that blows, because your opponent probably still has seven or eight players left against you, and by Sunday morning you’re curled up in a ball next to your toilet, mumbling, “Please don’t kill me, Doug Martin… oh God, please don’t kill me.” And then, of course, he f*cking kills you.

Once again, pull up your chair, because we have plenty of fantasy football issues to work out in this week’s group therapy.

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As I’ve mentioned in the past, much to your undoubted excitement, I spend way too much time on Twitter and Tumblr all for the purpose of entertaining you. I mean, if I don’t scour the Internet for GIFs of Brooklyn Decker and Kate Upton, then who will? Sure, I could be rewarded with a Pulitzer one day, but I’ll settle for a Peabody.

In between the GIFs and the jugs, though, I stumble across random sites that simply make me giggle. Today’s chuckle maker comes courtesy of the Tumblr page, The National Foodball League, which combines three of my favorite things – football, puns, and food. If I can appeal to Will Riggins, the artist behind these delightful food (and other) images, I would one day like to see Ryan Bananahill, Veggie Bush, and Flan Carpenter.

I’d make them myself, but I’m fat and it won’t end well.

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Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Dez Bryant seems to have been nothing but one headline after another since Miami Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland asked him if his mom was a hooker prior to last year’s NFL draft. And while his coaches and teammates have stood up for him and reinforced his character, he still seems to have the worst shopping problems in the history of mankind.

Back in March, Bryant and some friends were ejected from the NorthPark Center upscale shopping mall in Dallas for their baggy drawers, and a week later he was targeted in various lawsuits after he allegedly abused a line of credit that was established for him by an adviser. Bryant once again addressed the two lawsuits (for more than $861,000 combined) over this past weekend, telling reporters that everything has been handled.

“I have a handle on it and it’s done,” Bryant told The Associated Press during an appearance Saturday at a department store in Tulsa, Okla. “It’s in the past and I’m ready to go ahead from here.” (ESPN)

Except that he means the opposite.

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Apologies for the sporadic posting today. This hotel wi-fi is being a real stingy whore. Anyway, let’s talk about Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Dez Bryant, who may or may not have been kicked out of a mall in central Texas within the past week.

It seems Bryant and some members of his entourage created a disturbance when they were asked to exit the mall and … get this … pull up their britches. According to the report, Bryant and his posse had their underwear showing, leading an off-duty Dallas police officer to issue the warning.

Bryant was confrontational and originally refused to leave. Here’s the kicker: It’s not the first time Bryant has had issues at the mall. He had a “major disturbance” at the P.F. Changs and also caused a problem when he attempted to cut in line at the Apple Store. He’s also been cited for parking in the fire lane at the mall.
–National Football Post.

Dez is denying that he personally was given any warning, which almost sounds worse, really. If you want to wear your pants like that, Dezzie, just own it. Lots of private establishments set and enforce their own dress codes. Surely there was a store in that mall that sold belts.

Nothing says it’s almost time for the NFL like contract disputes, practices with no pads, and good ol’ fashioned rookie hazing. Hazing, an American tradition that makes baseball and apple pie look Communist, has been an NFL mainstay for years now. Try telling that to Dallas Cowboys wide reciever Dez Bryant, who has decided that he will not participate in the good natured humiliation.

NFL rookies are often required to carry veterans’ pads as a sort of training camp hazing ritual. But Cowboys rookie Dez Bryant wants no part of it.

Tim MacMahon of ESPNDallas.com reports that Roy Williams gave his pads to Bryant today, and Bryant refused to carry them.

“I’m not doing it,” Bryant said. “I feel like I was drafted to play football, not carry another player’s pads.”
–PFT

It’s not like they’re asking him to do the elephant walk. I guess it would be too ridiculous a notion for Dez to endure a difficult rite of passage with the rest of the rookies. Looking like an entitled brat is a great way to make friends. Wade Phillips was going to put Bryant on double secret probation, but gorging himself on Twinkies was much easier. Read the rest of this entry »