Look, I don’t care if the clowns in Detroit want to litter their own ice with traditional mollusk fare, but to do it in someone else’s building? You’re taking your life into your own hands. Just ask Greg Goloborodko (not pictured), one of the Columbus-area Red Wings fans that tried to do just that during Game 3 at the Blue Jackets’ Nationwide Arena:

He lobbed a 2 1/2-pound octopus nicknamed “Homer” about 60 feet over the Plexiglas and onto the ice. Yes, Goloborodko names his octopi for Red Wings’ players — the latest in honor of forward Tomas Holmstrom.

Goloborodko said he was detained by arena security, threatened by angry Jackets fans and enjoyed a chance encounter with NHL commissioner Gary Bettman before being escorted from the building.

“I heard Bettman say, ‘I’m not happy about this one bit.’ I don’t know if he was responding to me or talking about something else.”

Goloborodko got off relatively unscathed:

Elsewhere in Nationwide Arena, Blue Jackets fans pounced on a fan in a Red Wings’ No. 91 Sergei Fedorov jersey before he could heave an octopus.

Goloborodko said Jackets fans vented their anger and that arena security was not happy having to defend him.

The tossing of the octopus on the ice has been a Red Wings’ tradition since the 1950s, but that’s where it needs to stay. You don’t see Auburn taking their eagle into Tuscaloosa and you don’t see Bengals players committing felonies outside of the Tristate area. So the next time you’re thinking of bringing an octopus to Ohio, make sure it’s in a dark room with seven of your friends. They may not go for it right away, but that’s where the ether comes in.

Oops, sorry hockey.  I forgot about you there.  But for fans of the NHL, the second annual Winter Classic was enjoyable.  Or at least I would assume that’s how they feel.  I turned it on and watched it for a couple minutes, and it looked like something I would really like if I were one of those people that liked televised hockey.

Anyhoo, the Michigan Red Wings beat the Chicago Blackhearts 6-4 at Wrigley Field yesterday.  There was much skating, and puck-slapping, and vintage sweaters.  And though the players later complained, the fans loved the brick boards with the ivy growing on them.  Sven Olaffssson scored a hat trick, Yevgeny Brzenzinskiy added a goal and two assists, and goalkeeper Michel-Jean Ouellebecque was pulled shortly after giving up his sixth goal.

Or so I would imagine.  There may be some factual inaccuracies in the previous paragraph.  I kinda zoned out while I read the recap.

I’m still not sure why the NHL has decided to anoint January 1st as their showcase day when every casual sports fan is going to be watching college football instead. But that hasn’t stopped the NHL (common sense seldom does), and as you can see they’ve already settled into the friendly confines at Wrigley Field, thanks to the magic of time-lapsed photography, which really isn’t magic as much as something fun to do to impress 16-year-old girls strung out on meth.

Logistics aside, playing professional hockey outdoors is still pretty sweet, and the Blackhawks and Red Wings playing at Wrigly Freaking Field should be doubly awesome. Will I be willing to pull myself away from the Konica Minolta Gator Bowl to watch it? I mean, they play football outside all the time. How hard can it be?

Above is the conversation that Patrick Green of San Antonio had with Sean Beligian of WDFN 1130AM discussing his outrage at the Detroit Red Wings and their fans for disrespecting dead octopi.  Oh yes, he's quite serious.  And don't call him Shirley.

I didn't see the text of the angry letter he sent to the Red Wings anywhere besides The World of Isaac, so there's no way to know who's to blame for the suspect spelling.  Humorless kooks and bloggers often share a shaky grasp of 8th grade language skills.  [Update: blame the humorless kook] Here goes:

As a citizen of the United States, I consider the octopus tradition as a sign of degenerate minds. It is disgusting and turns my stomache. The natural environment of the octopus is the ocean. The reason for its capture by fishermen is for human consumption only, not human playtime. To use the body of an octopus in such a manner is to devalue the animal kingdom. If the National Hockey League's policy was to win only 4 games, would fans toss the bodies of dogs and cats on the ice, since they only have four legs?

An animal is an animal. Noone owns the ocean. Noone owns the octopus. It is every persons responsibility to protect animals who are being shown extreme disrespect. It is my intention, if the Animal Control Division fails to send me a written promise to begin voluntarily to vigorously enforce the Detroit City Code, to file a lawsuit against them. My intention is to have a court issue an order to force the Animal Control Division to do its job.

If I do not receive a response to this letter by Friday June 6, 2008, via my e-mail address of [redacted] I will file the lawsuit, against the Animal Control Division and the Detroit Red Wings, for their complicity in this crime.

So he's trying to force them to voluntarily enforce the city code?  Is this guy somebody's wife?  "I want you to want to do the dishes!"  Fuck him.  Fuck him right in his self-righteous fish-fucking pants.

NHL – The Red Wings captured their fourth Stanley Cup in 11 seasons and blah blah blah, pardon me while I engage in a mild inward seethe now that the Penguins team I'm a pretty fairweather fan of has been thoroughly outclassed in the series' deciding Game 6. Pittsburgh played lackadaisical hockey most of last night, helped no doubt by a pretty dominating performance by the Wings. Nice of Evgeni Malkin to finally get on the board. After dragging ass for about 58 minutes, the Pens tried the last-minute surge that served them so well in Game 5, getting a goal from Marian Hossa in the final minutes to narrow the Detroit lead to one, then having a decent chance to tie at the buzzer. Didn't help matters that they were limited to one shot through the final period leading up to that point. That and Marc-Andre Fleury pushing in the deciding goal by Henrik Zetterberg. Guh. Lots of firsts for Americans to be apathetic about: Niklas Lindstrom becomes to first European born and trained player to captain a Stanley Cup champ. And Dan Cleary becomes the first player from Newfoundland ever to win a Stanley Cup. Well, naturally, they just discovered the place! [Bah-do chieeee!]

MLB – Lots of Coco Crisp-related drama during the Red Sox 5-1 win over the Rays to recapture 1st place in the AL East. He slid late in second! But it was in retailation for the second baseman keeping his knee down on a steal attempt! Better to settle it the traditional way and let pitchers throw at a batter's head the next inning…

French Open – Still going on, apparently. Wake me when the sexy girls play.  

NHL - Petr Sykora guaranteed he was going to score. It just would have been nice if it took him less than four and a half hours to do it. His goal midway through the third overtime extends the Stanley Cup Finals to Game 6 in the 'Burgh. I mean didn't they already play in effect an extra game last night. Can't this go straight to Game 7? And nothing helps an interminable game like the NBC announcers saying repeatedly through each overtime that "the next goal wins the game." Hey, thanks for that trenchant analysis, crotchpheasant. Maxime Talbot staved off elimination for the Pens with a tying goal with 34 seconds left and the Pittsburgh defense performed admirably with Sergei Gonchar sidelined through the first two overtimes. 

MLB – Chase Utley (And what a grand pursuit he must be) homers for the fifth straight game in the 5-4 Phillies win over the Reds, putting him at a league-leading total of 21 and one under his mark through all of last year. Oh yeah, he also made two stout defensive snags, but, hey, those aren't socking dingers, brah. Oh yeah, that bum Jay Bruce also homered, but lowered his average 14 points to .577. What a fraud…Manny Ramirez wishes he could play all his games in Camden Yards, probably because they have more Red Sox fans than anywhere else other than Boston or maybe the China. Also, he's homered there in three straight games, tallying career no. 502 last night in a 6-3 loss to the Orioles…Carlos Zambrano collects three hits to raise his average to .366. Oh yeah, he picks up his 8th win in a 7-6 Cubs win over the Padres. WE ONLY CELEBRATE OFFENSE!…Prince Fielder homers to lift the Brewers over the Diamondbacks and steals third to strike a blow for fatty rights.

French Open – Maria Sharapova makes an early exit. I bet it was still sexy though.