The Winter Classic is happening. It was canceled forever ago, but on the 7th of January the (cough) fine men and women of Michigan will be able to enjoy the outdoor novelty sports action they were promised in lieu of the NHL Lockout.

The only catch is that hockey won’t be involved, and the Detroit Red Wings will be played by the Harlem Globetrotters. The Toronto Maple Leafs will be played by whatever they’re calling the Generals these days. But hey, it’s still happening on an ice rink. ‘Harlem Globetrotters On Ice’ is something you’d pay to see, right?

Detroit Red Wings Alumnus Kevin Miller will join the Globetrotters to help them continue their winning ways. Miller brings over a decade of NHL experience to the Globetrotters basketball game on ice, which will take place shortly after the NHL’s cancelled “Winter Classic” was scheduled in Michigan on New Year’s Day.

“We hope the NHL can return to the ice as quickly as possible,” said Globetrotters CEO Kurt Schneider. “But in the meantime, we thought the Globetrotters could help fill the void of professional sporting events on an ice surface. And it’s only fitting we play this outdoor game in Michigan, as our tour continues in Kalamazoo the next day.”

A court of ice makes that whole “I’m gonna toss a bucket of water on you” gag more threatening, at least. YOU’RE BAD AT BASKETBALL, I’M GONNA GIVE YOU PNEUMONIA.

If you’re interested in a sneak peak of Globetrotter Winter Classic shenanigans, here’s a highlight video from the last time they performed on ice, two years ago in New York:

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After a brief hiatus, the Sports On TV column returns with one of the most requested shows ever: Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s 16-season strong cultural landmark, ‘South Park’.

‘South Park’ has been around since 1997, and has changed along with the times. When it started, Parker and Stone were getting $1,200 to make video Christmas cards for Fox executives. In 2012, they are influential, Tony Award-winning, multi-millionaire media moguls. One thing hasn’t changed: in season one, Kenny was getting ripped apart by football players. In season 16, Tom Brady is guzzling a Gatorade bottle of a child’s semen. Sports are one of the weirdest, stupidest, most ritualistic and overly-glorififed things human beings can do, and ‘South Park’ has been in tune with that since the very beginning.

So, in the Interest of easing us back into regular Thursday columns, here are my choices for the 20 greatest South Park sports moments. Like a lot of the shows we do, there are a ton of moments we had to leave out, so a part 2 will probably happen. If we left out your favorite moment, or you have something to say about a moment we chose, be sure to drop down into our comments section and let us know.

As an added bonus, participating in the discussion and sharing the column on Twitter or Facebook (courtesy of one of those handy buttons at the bottom of the post) will net you the BAT DAD BADGE. You don’t want the Bat Dad Badge? I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA.

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In this week’s edition of the Friday Face-Off, we examine the very real problem of NHL players and fans using big rectangles of glass to incapacitate each other. Your job is to view the incidents and vote for your favorite, whatever your definition of “favorite” might be in regard to dudes getting injured by amorphous solids.

Your poll and options are after the jump.

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The adjective the announcers use to describe this goal is Datsyukian (“of or relating to Pavel Datsyuk”), but to me it was absolutely Isaiah Riderian. Watch in amazement as Detroit Red Winger Todd Bertuzzi grabs the Blackhawks goaltender by the jersey and literally punches him in the back of the head with a between-the-legs shootout goal torn from the pages of the latest Research and Development camp highlight video.

Harrison Mooney of Puck Daddy gives us the play-by-play:

It’s the threat of [Tampa Bay Lightning's] Marek Malik’s world-renowned between-the-legs shootout goal that causes goaltender Alexander Salak to cheat to his right. Once he does, Bertuzzi passes the puck forward to himself, then flips the puck up over Salak’s left pad instead.

The NHL season hasn’t even started yet, and we already have a contender for best shootout goal. It’s going to be a fun year.

Say what you will about Bertuzzi (and you will), but it’s a hell of a goal.

Compare and contrast:

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As always, if it seems that I am less than enthusiastic about professional hockey, just keep in mind that I am a very jaded and abused St. Louis Blues fan, once spoiled with playoff appearances and hopes of a Stanley Cup, only to be shoved to the ground, spit on and ignored like a Phoenix Coyotes fan.

Tampa Bay Devil Lightning 3, Washington Capitals 2 (Series: 2-0 TB)

Vincent Lecavalier was more than just a reminder of the piece of crap Chevrolet that I drove in high school. Yesterday, he was more like Vincent Lehondaaccord as he scored two goals, including the game-winner in yet another overtime, to lead the Lightning to a very unexpected 2-0 series lead. The bigger stats of the game, though, are attributed to the Lightning’s defense, as the team has shut down Washington on all power plays in this series thus far. The Caps – can I call them that? – are 0-for-11 on power plays in this series. I think that’s bad.

Alex Ovechkin scored his first goal of the series at the end of the third period to send the game into overtime, but it wasn’t enough. While the 2-0 deficit looks bad, the Lightning have already shown us that anything is possible. But the Caps have something bigger on their side that I think guarantees them at least the next two victories…

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While I find the ritual of marriage to be generally positive and beneficial to the advancement of mankind, I generally think weddings are stupid, overpriced and just offensive…just like Joey Harrington. But he can play the piano! Great. Call me when he learns to play quarterback.

Anyway, this video from Chez Wyshynski reveals a fun little moment between the best man and the maid of honor (I would have guessed “matron of honor;” the short hairstyle is a raging clue) who decided that just walking into a room and waving to their friends and family wasn’t good enough for them. No, they had to put on hockey jerseys and pantomime a little do-si-do in Blackhawks and Red Wings sweaters. And of course the guy lost. Get used to it, guy. Your wedding will be coming soon enough.

I can make that joke because I’m already stuck doing the dishes this week. That has me wondering, if the Stanley Cup did fit into a dishwasher, would it be dishwasher safe? Whatever, just watch the video. Read the rest of this entry »