Four teams are still winless. Three of them seemingly don’t need quarterbacks. One team is starving for a franchise QB. And while one 0-4 team can’t seemingly keep losing with such a talented young offense, and another can’t keep losing because it has the best running back in the NFL, the other two seem poised for a collision course of suck for the remainder of this season. It should be quite exciting.

As a reminder, these rankings are in reverse order and are based on the theory that Stanford QB Andrew Luck will be the first pick of the 2012 NFL Draft, even though he’s a junior and may not even declare. There are clearly many teams that don’t need a QB, so they’re not going to be ranked toward the top of this list, especially if they win games. I only mention this because one of my friends actually complained to me on Friday that I ranked the Philadelphia Eagles too low because “they’re better than their record.” Settle down, this is just for fun. Also, they’re not.

What’s that you say? Enough with my imaginary friends and on with the Suck For Luck Power(less) Rankings? Your wish is Chad Henne’s worthless injured shoulder my command.

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Detroit Lions tackle Ndamukong Suh is no stranger to trading paycheck money for Blitz: The League 2-style necksnapping and ballpopping. The league fined him $7,500 for his hit on Jake Delhomme and 15K for his forearm strike (or “two-hand shiver”) to the back of Jay Cutler’s sad head.

Friday night’s game between the Lions and the Cincinnati Bengals happened, and Suh did not react kindly to Richie Cunningham in the pocket. Take a look for yourself.

The NFL hasn’t released any official statement on the hit or the fine, but Ndamukong’s Twitter update has given us an important clue. See if you can figure it out.

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"I'm just a man, damn it!"

FACT: There’s not a thing to be learned by watching a preseason NFL game. However, and this is something that is often ignored by the casual fan – the media doesn’t give a crap. And neither do I, so I figured we could talk about this past weekend’s games to pass this slow, boring Monday along. As always, I would like to point out that I do not profess to be an expert, merely a conversationalist with a love for potty humour. So please, offer your retorts and counterpoints in the comments and I’ll throw some more Earl Gray on the stove.

1) Alex Smith looked like, well, Alex Smith

To be fair, the San Francisco 49ers have never really given Alex Smith much to work with. But this isn’t about being fair, as much as it’s about winning. So far, Smith still doesn’t look like he wants to be the franchise QB that the 49ers thought he could be when they drafted him 6 years ago.

New coach Jim Harbaugh still hasn’t named a starter for Week 1, but neither of his guys – Smith or rookie Colin Kaepernick – were impressive against the New Orleans Saints. Smith was 2/7 for 10 yards while Kaepernick was 9/19 for 117 yards and 2 INTs. So how bad is it for the 49ers? They’re kicking the tires on Daunte Culpepper. At first glance, it’s incredible desperation. But deeper down, it’s probably to mentor Kaepernick, who is very similar to Culpepper.

Either way, don’t count San Fran out of the Suck for Luck sweepstakes.

UPDATE: And it looks like Culpepper is officially back in the NFL. The 9ers intend for him to play 3rd string and mentor Kaepernick, but as a fellow UCF product, I’d like to see Pepp roll one more time.

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Something 1990s this way comes.

From Found Footage Fest emerges “It Ain’t Worth It!”, an abstinence-awareness PSA wherein the sports stars of the 90s explain the dangers of unprotected (and protected) sex in the most 90s way imaginable. You can watch the video below, but here’s a recap: David Robinson is playing a game of pick-up basketball and gets pissed off because his goofy white teammate is too busy looking at women (or “honeys”) to contribute. This prompts Robinson, A.C. Green and Barry Sanders (holding a basketball for some reason) to use rap music, a Trapper Keep aesthetic and what appear to be girls from “In Living Color’s” Fly Girl developmental league to inform teens that penis-to-vagina interaction can cause instant death and possibly explosions. I don’t know, they just really want me to not do it.

Watch the video yourself, then leave us a comment to explain whether you believe sexual intercourse is or is ain’t worth it.

All this video needed was a white kid who looks like he should be a part of the Burger King Kids Club saying “but I WANNA have sex!” and getting between a girl’s legs before he’s stopped by Garfield and one or more of the Ninja Turtles.

[prophylactic tip to Sportress of Blogitude]

The Detroit Lions defensive line of Ndamukong Suh, Nick Fairley and Kyle Vanden Bosch haven’t played a single down together, but head coach Jim Schwartz’s month-long mission to give them a cool nickname is finally over.

“I’ve heard a lot of people suggesting names for the Lions’ front four. Send your ideas. Whoever has the best, gets an autographed fball.”

And the autographed “fball” goes to whoever came up with SILVER CRUSH. The nickname comes from the fact that defensive linemen enjoy crushing, and (in this case) wear silver. It is nothing like the Orange Crush of the Denver Broncos. In fact, I don’t even see where you could get that. A close second place finisher was the “Dis-Assembly Line” (I see what you did there), followed by “Non-Stop Motors” and “Detroit Pride”. My source says another suggestion was “Ghost Lamp Darkness”, but that doesn’t sound like a thing so I’m not going to cite it. My suggestions, the “Blundercats”, did not place.

As we’ve learned from Major League Baseball, a fun nickname is just behind new uniforms on the list of things that suddenly make your terrible team great. Now the Lions just need to get a new stadium and a mascot that rides a skateboard.

[via DS360]

You may or may not have heard about Detroit Lions linebacker Zack Follett calling quarterback Matthew Stafford a “china doll” on a radio show earlier this week. Follett is now trying to correct himself for what he said, and he’s going about it in the weirdest f-cking way possible- by putting the blame on Satan.

He used Vimeo to make a response to his comments, and it’s very worth watching as he stumbles through a bunch of stuff about Christianity and how Lucifer hates Matthew Stafford’s tinfoil shoulder so much. The video is after the jump.
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