As hilariously depicted in this week’s Suck For Luck Power Rankings, Detroit Lions linebacker Stephen Tulloch sacked Denver QB Tim Tebow and lingered long enough to mock him with his own meme. There was a brief debate on whether or not mocking the pose also mocked Tebow’s religion (it doesn’t) and an even more brief, Bleacher Report-style discussion on whether the sack appeal destroyed Tebow’s week-strong “legacy”.

Surely Tebow has to be the maddest of all, right? Tulloch mocked his legacy AND his God and did everything short of pulling down his pants and passing a dump on Tebow’s head. So what do you think, Timmy? KICK HIS ASS, SEA BASS.

“He was just celebrating, having fun with his teammates and I don’t take offense to that,” Tebow said.

“I was bothered that I gave up a sack and that I didn’t break the tackle,” Tebow said. “That bothered me.”

oh

Tebow takes the high road and continues his lifelong quest to become the least-deserving-to-be-made-fun-of person who is kinda-sorta terrible at what he does for a living ever. He’s turning the other cheek (bible reference) and shifting the blame to himself for allowing the incident to happen at all. Come on, Tebow, do something stupid. Kill a dog. Force yourself on a girl in a bathroom. Do something unforgivably reprehensible so we can say “LOL, look at this clown, what a clown” without being jerks.

Or just keep getting sacked, I guess, and two years from now I’ll sports blog about your motivational speaking tour.

So far this week we’ve shared with you Tinyballs, Saturday Night Live’s parody of Moneyball, and College Humor’s Too Much Moneyball, but it’s not over yet — I guess the comedic possibilities of that “fifty feet of crap” speech are too enticing, because Funny Or Die has chimed in with their own version about Matt Millen’s run as general manager of the Detroit Lions. I also would’ve accepted Millen Dollar Baby, especially if they killed him at the end.

The video has its high points (Patrick Willis being good at football as “the same old nonsense”, somebody stealing my “judge players solely on how good they are in video games” style) and its low points (knocking the WNBA, because seriously, who still thinks that’s funny) but is worth it almost solely for the The Dugout-style representation of Joey Harrington as a scarf-wearing piano player who can only throw the football behind him.

That all being said, man, somebody release another movie of worth so we can keep “fifty feet of crap” from being this year’s Bullet-time.

We’re finally starting to see a bit of separation in the rankings, at least now that Kansas City realized that it can still defeat the really crappy teams and the Minnesota Vikings remembered that they just paid Adrian Peterson a gajillion dollars to lean on him for the next few years. Unfortunately, the Indianapolis Colts don’t even care if they’re not fooling anyone at this point. Hell, even the Colts’ owner, Jim Irsay, isn’t keeping his desire to draft Andrew Luck a secret anymore.

But the Colts still have some tough competition, as the Miami Dolphins and St. Louis Rams both had bye weeks and therefore remained winless, so the quest for the golden arm and Lucky charm (*throws football at own groin*) is still a hot one. It gets even more exciting now, as other teams are dropping into the mix thanks to cupcake wins by the equally hapless Chiefs and Vikings. Oh what a time to be alive, friends. Let’s point and laugh at the losers!

Read the rest of this entry »

The rumors are true. Following the events of Hank Williams Jr. Obama Hitlergate, Hall Of Fame running back Barry Sanders will don the feathered cowboy hat and alcoholic-sized sunglasses to sing a raucous Country tune about how great it would’ve been if the South won the Civil War that will have its lyrics changed to be about football readiness and played for about forty seconds during a video package on Monday nights.

From the Detroit Free Press:

“Ok, I admit it,” Barry Sanders tweeted. “I will be at MNF this week and doing the intro.”

Said ESPN spokesman Josh Krulewitz, “This is the format we’ll likely use the remainder of the season. We haven’t made any decisions beyond that.”

In all seriousness, Barry won’t be singing, as we’ve seen what a musical buzzkill he can be. The idea of getting a legendary player from the area to do an intro for one of ESPN’s glossy hype videos is a great idea, and lightyears better than whatever equivalent they’d come up to Faith Hill listing off football terms. But what’s going to happen when they go somewhere like Jacksonville? Who’s gonna do the intro for the Jaguars, Steve Beuerlein?

Hopefully Bocephus watches the game from his woodland shack (or wherever), sees a black guy doing his job, and jumps on Skype to tell all his rowdy friends how Barry Sanders is exactly like Pol Pot.

For the first time since before any of Matt Stafford’s favorite sorority girls were even born, the Detroit Lions are 4-0, and for the first time in 10 years, the Lions are hosting a Monday Night Football game. To celebrate, the staff at the Detroit Zoo surprised their male and female lion (I won’t assume that they’re a couple) with a special Chicago Bears piñata for breakfast. And they ate it much like Kristen Cavallari ate Jay Cutler’s big ol’ heart.

More than 50 people gathered to watch as the lions entered the exhibit and slowly paced around the piñata. A lioness was the first to pick up the scent. As she moved quickly to the piñata, a male lion was close behind. The female slowly paced around the piñata. She backed away when the male lion moved in, his curiosity picqued.

Soon both became distracted and paced around the exhibit. Eventually the female lion moved in and attacked her prey by biting off its arm. The crowd let out loud “oohs and ahs” as she lay down in front of her fans to eat her breakfast.

(Via the Shelby-Utica Patch)

Hot damn, that sounds exciting! Let’s get to the gnarly action…

Read the rest of this entry »

Four teams are still winless. Three of them seemingly don’t need quarterbacks. One team is starving for a franchise QB. And while one 0-4 team can’t seemingly keep losing with such a talented young offense, and another can’t keep losing because it has the best running back in the NFL, the other two seem poised for a collision course of suck for the remainder of this season. It should be quite exciting.

As a reminder, these rankings are in reverse order and are based on the theory that Stanford QB Andrew Luck will be the first pick of the 2012 NFL Draft, even though he’s a junior and may not even declare. There are clearly many teams that don’t need a QB, so they’re not going to be ranked toward the top of this list, especially if they win games. I only mention this because one of my friends actually complained to me on Friday that I ranked the Philadelphia Eagles too low because “they’re better than their record.” Settle down, this is just for fun. Also, they’re not.

What’s that you say? Enough with my imaginary friends and on with the Suck For Luck Power(less) Rankings? Your wish is Chad Henne’s worthless injured shoulder my command.

Read the rest of this entry »