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Girls on the Internet have had a tough August.

Earlier this month, UK tabloid The Sun reportedly showed Sports Illustrated covergirl Kate Upton a photo of teen boy-band sensation One Direction and asked her to pick out which member she thought was the cutest. If you’re unfamiliar with the group (or their hits “One Thing” and “What Makes You Beautiful”), they’re five teenagers with attitude formed a la the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers on the seventh season of the British version of ‘The X Factor’. Imagine the Spice Girls if they were boys, and all five of them were Baby Spice. Kate apparently pointed out band member Harry Styles, which instantly caused rumors that she had a crush on him and planned to hook up with him at the MTV Video Music Awards. I don’t know.

Anyway, the rumors were squashed, but with the VMAs only a week away (they air on September 6), radio hosts like Ryan Seacrest are bringing them up again. If you felt a rumbling yesterday afternoon, don’t be alarmed — it was only One Direction’s six-million-plus Twitter followers FREAKING THE F**K OUT because their confrontational sexual armageddon is nigh. One Direction Kate Upton rumors are their horsemen.

It’s a nice mixture of girls pretending they’ve never heard of Kate Upton, girls feeling shamed and insignificant because America’s closest living equivalent to Jessica Rabbit is competing for the same guy as them, a metric ton of name-calling and good old fashioned death threats. I’ve compiled a few of my favorites, and I hope you enjoy them. Well, “enjoy” is probably the wrong word.

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In what might be the exact opposite of a bunch of basketball fans traveling across the country to get blowjobs from porn stars, here’s a picture of two nice young ladies at the New York Jets training camp who drove seven hours with personalized signs to get a hug from way back back-up quarterback Tim Tebow. Their sign, in case you’re allergic to magic marker, reads: “Tim, you put the STUD in Bible study”. No word on whether or not they got hugs, but I’m pretty sure even Tebow is sick of this by now.

“The STUD in Bible study” is a pretty slick play on words, so if you’re planning to attend Jets camp with religious-themed signage, you’re not longer allowed to use it. Instead, use one of these:

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Back in June, we introduced you to Angelina Castro and Sara Jay, two adult film actresses who also happen to be the world’s biggest Miami Heat fans. Well, they made a promise to their several hundred thousand Twitter followers that if the Heat won the NBA Finals, they’d perform oral sex on all of their followers who showed up to a specific location on August 2. That day has since passed, and a few readers asked me, “Hey Burnsy, we know you only date Perfect 10 models, but did this event actually happen?”

You bet your Adult Friend Finder membership it did.

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Welcome to our weekly installment of Friday Face-Off, which pits two insanely popular YouTube videos against each other to determine which is the champion of the week. Most of the time, these videos will involve adorable animals or hilarious violence. But sometimes, they might just involve sports. As always, send your submissions to BurnsyWL@gmail.com and if your video wins you will receive one of our brand new, not-yet-seen With Leather t-shirts.

This week has undoubtedly been about one man – Denver Broncos QB Tim Tebow. After he helped lead the Broncos to a wild card game victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers, Tebow has been the non-stop focus of every major sports media outlet, including flat out absurd knob polishing by the Worldwide Leader.

But what we’ve been fascinated by is Tebow’s impression on the average Joe. In this case, it’s what he’s doing to the average Janes that is highlighting today’s Friday-Faceoff. Last summer, the viral video of the moment belonged to our beloved service men and women asking various celebrities to attend their respective Marine Balls. Obviously, Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis both famously accepted their invites and attended. But now the spotlight shines at Tebow.

Two girls have recently created YouTube videos asking the Hunk of the Holiest Huddle to be their date for two different events. One is simply asking for Timmy to take her out for a date date, while the other wants him on her arm for her sorority formal. Decisions, decisions. So what say you, With Leatherites? Shall we help Tebow make his choice?

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This isn’t really a sentence that ever should’ve been typed, but somebody in the St. Louis Cardinals front office forgot to file copyright the intellectual whatever of the squirrels that ran onto the field during games 3 and 4 of their series against Philadelphia, and now that the “serendipitous rodent” has become a “mascot of sorts” for the club, every bootleg t-shirt jockey and sports-minded taxidermist is free the plaster the thing on its wares.

STL Today has the important legal analysis:

“No one can come and say, ‘This is ours,’” Haim Mano, marketing professor at the University of Missouri-St. Louis, said of the Rally Squirrel. “It’s wide open.”

Major League Baseball, he added, could claim copyright of the footage of Games 3 and 4 against the Philadelphia Phillies two weeks ago, when a squirrel temporarily interrupted the game and darted across the field. And vendors could also run into dangerous territory if the squirrel-themed merchandise includes something that looks like a team logo or other trademarked material.

As funny as the discussion gets (and remember, it’s a discussion about how you can make chocolate squirrels and call them Rally Squirrels to sell them to dumb Cardinals fans, but if you put the Cardinals logo on them you’re infringing), it doesn’t get any better than this:

To help market the nuts at the St. Louis shop, a family member dropped off a squirrel statue that has been passed around the family as an inside joke for years. They placed a red background behind it.

“I don’t think anybody can copyright squirrel nuts,” he added.

They need to take advantage of the trend now, because win or lose, the “rally squirrel” won’t be around forever. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could think of another animal to cite when rooting for the Cardinals?

Now that the world’s prayers have been answered and baseball TV ratings powerhouse monsters the Texas Rangers and the San Francisco Giants will begin World Series action tonight, fans of these storied franchises are doing whatever they can to get their hands on tickets to the games, as if it’s rare for them to make it this far. Tickets for tonight’s game 1 are as high as $20,000 for a pair on sites like StubHub, which means, if my experience with online scalping has taught me anything, those sellers will receive $8 after fees.

But some fans are trying to get creative while others are just pissed that they can’t afford to deal with these insane markups. One Giants fan took to Craigslist to complain about the markup of a $50 ticket to $500, to which I suggest he attend another game instead. Perhaps tough versus titties? Another fan is offering use of his beach house in exchange for tickets, and another is even willing to fix someone’s busted grill for a seat at AT&T Park. Haha, British people don’t like baseball!

Anyone need tickets, Mercury News? Who’s got tickets for sale, Mercury News?

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