Last night, my buddy Andy Vasquez, New Jersey Brooklyn Nets beat writer for The Record, Tweeted the above picture from DeShawn Stevenson’s Instrgram account and yep, he has an ATM in his freaking kitchen. Once Darren Rovell eventually confirmed it, the Interwebs and Twitter had its fun with Stevenson’s accessory, and the Nets guard responded to the strange claims that he might be going broke:

Mediatakout said Imma be Broke umm No! Please it’s a 5 dollar charge!!

So there you have it – not only does Stevenson have an ATM in his kitchen, but he charges people $5 to use it. Now I’m no big city banker type with a monocle and a cane that I twirl as people bundle their money into big burlap sacks with dollar signs on them, but I do know a thing or two about the signs that someone is hosting cash gambling games in his home.

I’m pretty sure an ATM is a great indicator of that, otherwise Stevenson must have friends who are incredibly forgetful, like, “Oh no, I forgot to pay that parking fine and they only take cash and I have just five minutes to get there before they close… wait, your ATM!” Then again, I am light years behind on baller wealth, so who knows?

Proving that no funny t-shirt goes unpunished, Dallas Mavericks shooting guard DeShawn Stevenson was arrested for public intoxication in Irving, Texas, on Tuesday night, two days after winning the NBA Championship. Police picked up Stevenson wandering around an apartment complex (where he does not live) in the middle of the night, and he had no idea where he was, or how this gigantic Abraham Lincoln face ended up on his throat.

From ESPN-Dallas reporter Tim MacMahon:

He was arrested without incident on the Class C misdemeanor charge based on the results of a sobriety test, officer’s observations and his statements.

“They felt he was a danger to himself and others,” Irving public information officer John Argumaniz said. “Basically, he was intoxicated to a point where he didn’t feel comfortable letting him walk away or leave. They didn’t have any other options at that point.”

The Mavericks say they were unaware of the arrest, probably because Mark Cuban was too busy taking pictures of himself pissing at a urinal with the Larry O’Brien Championship Trophy to watch the local news. They have no comment. The Internet of course has TONS AND TONS of comments, including a vague SO THIS IS WHO YOU CHEER FOR INSTEAD OF THE HEAT, INSTEAD OF LEBRON, BOSH, WADE, WHAT A JOKE talking point.

All I can really respond with is “yes, wandering around drunk in an apartment complex is not a really horrible thing, guys, that is like 90% of Memorial Day.”

[via NBCDFW]

… when he wore this heavily-sponsored iron-on t-shirt asking LeBron James how his “dirk” tasted. Those things include:

1. The shirt suggests that Finals MVP and “greatest player in the history of everything ever” (© last night’s sports coverage) Dirk Nowitzki is a penis.

2. Dirk Nowitzki is specifically DeShawn Stevenson’s penis. (How’s MY Dirk Taste)

3. LeBron James has engaged in a homosexual act by “tasting” Dirk Nowitzki, who (if you’ll remember) is DeShawn Stevenson’s johnson. This also makes Stevenson a homosexual, having presented his Dirk to LeBron specifically for tasting and opinions.

4. Stevenson is curious to know what LeBron James though of the taste of his penis, to the point that he would have a t-shirt made about it (note: HDNet might’ve paid for the t-shirt with the money they saved by canceling Ring of Honor).

5. The use of an exclamation point instead of a question mark makes the shirt seem less like an inquiry and more like a lighthearted nudge in the ribs. “So hey, LeBron, heh, did you taste my Dirk?”

6. DeShawn Stevenson is currently in the middle of a rap-style beef with Jay Z, LeBron’s friend. By comparing LeBron to a penis, Stevenson has opened up a world of new material for Jay Z, who works exclusively in the medium of dick comparison.

7. “Dirk” is also a Scots word for a short dagger, so the shirt could be misinterpreted as a threat to stab LeBron James with a knife.

8. He is an adult.

In an attempt to recapture the hot fire of the Greg Gumbel/KRS-One beef from the late 80s, Outside The Lines’ Bob Ley has dropped a mix tape featuring a diss on DeShawn Stevenson, claiming the Dallas Mavericks guard should show him the same respect he might show his own mother. Wait, no, I’m sorry, he’s just 56-year old white professional reciting Jay Z lyrics on television. Either way is awesome. Ley know the difference ‘tween the king and the pawn, and shows you what happens if you come at the king and miss.

Watch him spit teleprompted venom in the video below.

My favorite part is actually before the rap, when he says “Jay Z … Lebron’s friend” like he’s calling Joe Montana Sports Talk Football. I’d pay for a CD of SportsCenter personalities recreating rap hits, if only to see how often Chris Berman would sample himself. It couldn’t be any worse than Ben Broussard jinxing the Indians AND U2 with a cover of “With Or Without You”.

I think I speak for everyone when I say Bob Ley is the hottest MC in the game.

[h/t Outside the Boxscore]

Here’s a disturbing neck tattoo on Dallas Maverick DeShawn Stevenson. Disturbing and, if I may say so, a little bit demanding. Somebody tell Mr. Stevenson’s neck that I will make noise whenever I damn well please; I don’t care if it’s a neck tat of R. Lee Ermey. Although I’m sure this looks totally normal on a 200-plus foot screen. Totally normal. Read the rest of this entry »

Wizards guard DeShawn Stevenson, last seen bro-ing up with Soulja Boy in the NBA playoffs, has made a video of himself lip-syncing to Usher's "Love In This Club," and D.C. Sports Bog noted that the description of the clip is "the best video ever put on youtube."  Although I don't really see how that's possible.  Maybe if DeShawn were rollerblading and got hit in the nuts I could agree.  This is just bad lip-syncing in front of a poster of himself.