"I have thought about this a lot, seriously."

If you’re like me, you have a problem with women, because women be trippin. You try to flirt with other girls on Instagram, because a woman will sleep with you if you hit the little heart button under a picture they’ve uploaded to the Internet, and your woman gets MAD at you, as if it’s YOUR fault for getting a hard-on for some titties in a “toaster” filter.

Thankfully, Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver DeSean Jackson is here with THE INSTAGRAM RULES FOR MEN, easily the most handy set of rules handed down since Moses descended Mount Sinai. Here they are, in their glory:

Read the rest of this entry »

DeSean Jackson was drafted in the second round of the 2008 NFL Draft by the Philadelphia Eagles, the seventh wide receiver taken in the draft, and in July of that year he agreed to terms on a four-year contract with the team. Two Pro Bowl selections later, Jackson is one of the best young wide-outs in the game and still working through a contract that only guarantees him $600,000 for the season. That’s about 600,000 times what I make in a year, but less (a lot less) than market value for a player of his ability. He’ll play his first game of the season on Sunday.

But, as I’m sure you’re asking yourself, what would Terrell Owens do?

T.O. talked to 97.5 The Fanatic in Philadelphia and gave one of the history’s most predictable answers when asked if he’d show up and play on Sunday were in DeSean Jackson’s situation. From Shutdown Corner, by way of Philadelphia Sports Daily:

“Absolutely not,” Owens replied. “I would have to better myself and my family and my situation. That’s ridiculous.”

Owens said that Jackson has obviously received advice “to go in there, be a man about it and play under the existing contract that he has,” adding, “but I guarantee you — if he goes out and gets hurt, God forbid, he’s not going to get the contract that he probably would have gotten if he held out.”

“These greedy athletes make too much money!” is a really terrible blogger talking point, much like “I have to provide for my family” is a terrible pro athlete talking point, so the truth falls somewhere in the middle — yes, DeSean Jackson is comparably worth more than what he’s being paid, but he signed a contract for x amount of years wherein he agreed upon his worth and no amount of crossing your arms and holding your breath should negate that. Otherwise, what’s the point of a contract? It’s not unique for me to say that holding out is an absolutely ass thing to do to your team, or that a player shouldn’t be able to say “I’m okay with you paying me this much to play well, oh hey look I played well, give me more money”, or that “functional, workable adult” would be a great way to socially support your family, but I will include all of them in this sentence anyway.

I think professional football players should look at T.O. as their game’s Donny Don’t. If the guy with great natural talent and lots of money who will live out the rest of his life as the “locker room poison guy who isn’t worth it” says you should do something, do the opposite. So, in this case, be a reliable, valued member of a pro sports organization, and the second that contract is up start demanding every dollar in history.

Funny or Die has a knack for cramming as many celebrities as possible into three minute video, and today they’ve outdone themselves — watch in amazement has Ray Liotta, Kevin Costner, Dennis Haysbert, the Were-llama from Twilight and half of professional football bring you a Lockout-flavored sequel to the greatest baseball movie of all time, Field of Dreams. I’m guessing Haysbert is here because when the Funny or Die guys showed up at James Earl Jones’ apartment he attacked them with an insecticide sprayer and told them to go back to the sixties.

Watch the video below, but I have to warn you: the football players are all better actors than Taylor Lautner.

It’s weird, I know this is supposed to be a joke, but it still looks like a better movie than that remake of Footloose.

I love Kevin Costner at the end. He gives as little a sh** as possible, and he’s a good sport, but his voice and the look on his face say “I can’t believe you guys are making fun of this”. Lautner just stands there smirking, thinking about how awesome of a Crash Davis Robert Pattinson would be.

We all know Eagles receiver DeSean Jackson spikes it on the one, but did you know he’s also jammin’ on the one? (Pete the Punchline Explaining Robot says: DeSean Jackson once prematurely spiked a football on the 1-yard line and to “jam it on the one” is to be a musically inclined Theo Huxtable.)

Me being super white notwithstanding, DeSean is taking a break from not making sense on Twitter to embark on a rap career. Going by the name Jack, he makes his debut with a freestyle on the track “Let’s Do It”. HARF HARF, BUT REALLY, LET’S NOT! His verse begins at the 1:18 mark.

Terrible rap careers are usually the providence of basketball players, but Deion Sanders already blazed a trail for football players making forays into excruciating music careers. But maybe that was the baseball half of Deion being represented. I guess we’ll never know. Oh, he was a complicated artist, that one.

The Washington Redskins came under fire for bringing in Sherman Lewis, a guy that had started his NFL season pulling out Bingo balls in Detroit. Last night, Lewis’ balls were spared, as the Redskins committed almost every conceivable error (except for the delay of game that everyone expected) as the Philadelphia Eagles trudged over their their NFC East rival, 27-17.

“You can say but so much,” defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth said. “You’ve got to actually want to. So once we get to that point — where we want to do something — then we’ll do something. But if we just keep going our separate ways, then we’ll just keep getting slaughtered like we have.”

Aside from DeSean Jackson’s heroics (167 total yards, 2 TDs), last night’s telecast was plagued with the same tedium that we’ve come to expect from recent Monday night games: unimpressive offensive play from both teams and outlandish, overly excited hyperbole from former coach Jon Gruden. Honestly, Gruden could watch a busload of Rwandans get gunned down and make it sound like the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. I don’t know what those guys are drinking up in the booth, but I want a case of it. Read the rest of this entry »

The beard hides his second and third chins

There was simply too much goodness from last night’s Eagles-Cowboys shootout to confine it all to the morning recap.  If you haven’t been following KSK’s live-blog and follow-up coverage, well, you probably have a life and watch the game in a bar or with friends.  But then you’re also missing out on appreciating the rampant jackassery of last night.

And it’s not just fatasses with bad facial hair and regrettable tattoos.  After the jump, enjoy video of DeSean Jackson’s retardery, Cowboys fans whiffing on a high-five, and Tony Kornheiser’s awkward apology for a harmless joke two hours earlier.

Read the rest of this entry »