Brandon and I were trading emails yesterday, discussing our respective regional weather calamities (me = underwater, him = on fire), when he asked if I could help him out with a feature or a couple posts today. I responded, “I’ll try to do a feature if I see something worthwhile. I promise. If not I’ll probably end up doing something stupid like a series of five posts about my favorite Phillies players and what I think they smell like. (CHASE UTLEY SMELLS LIKE GRITS BEHCUZ HE’S GRITTY!)” I then went to bed laughing to myself about what a funny joke I just told, and tried to think about something that I could turn into a feature.

However, because Brandon is a delightful maniac, not only did he thank me for offering to help, he strongly encouraged me to follow through with my joke idea. So here we are. Instead of just doing Phillies, however, I’ve branched out to cover the whole major leagues. This is easily the stupidest and/or best thing I’ve ever done.

[Ed. note -- Be sure to tell us what you think players who didn't make Danger's list probably smell like in the comments section. The best one wins a prize, which will probably be scratch-n-sniff stickers]

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In 20 years, she's going to be perfect for A-Rod.

New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter might have to change his name to Mr. August soon. After hitting his 3,000th career hit in true Yankee fashion last month, Jeter has been on fire at the plate. He’s hitting .394 over the past 30 days, and a ridiculous .463 over the past two weeks. I’d say that he’s not only quieting his critics who labeled him washed up and over the hill, but he’s also doing it at the most important time for his team, as they’re one game behind the Boston Red Sox for the AL East crown*.

But while he’s not producing the same home runs, RBI or stolen bases that he used to, Jeter is doing everything he can to prime the Bombers for a standard postseason run. He even dumped his fiancée, Minka Kelly. That’s right, South Beach penthouse threeways Jeter is back.

Kelly’s rep confirmed the split to People Magazine early today.

“They care about each other and it was amicable,” a source told the magazine.

“They’re still friends.” (Via The NY Post)

Obviously they could have broken up for a number of reasons, but I think it all boils down to two possibilities: 1) He watched a commercial for Kelly’s new Charlie’s Angels show on ABC, or 2) He realized she’s 31. I like to think it’s a little of both.

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Since being the man to scoop up Derek Jeter’s 3,000th hit last Saturday, Christian Lopez has become a baseball sensation because of his good fortune, great attitude, and ultimately how he’s being screwed over by the IRS. Lopez, of course, happily volunteered to give the milestone home run ball to Jeter, asking for nothing in return except for a chance to meet the New York Yankees icon. The Yankees said , “Screw that” and gave the 23-year old four season tickets for the rest of this season, including the playoffs and World Series, and they’re throwing in the first batch of autographed Jeter 3K memorabilia for him, too. But that’s when the IRS stepped in and said, “Not so fast.”

Luckily for Lopez, who sells mobile phones for a living, some companies are rewarding the selfless manner in which he simply gave the ball back. Miller High Life has offered to throw a party for him and donate the proceeds to paying off any taxes he owes from accepting the Yankees’ gift (Miller will pay the whole bill regardless of how much a party raises) and CEO Mitch Modell of Modell’s Sporting Goods has joined sports memorabilia dealer Brandon Steiner to raise $50,000 for paying off part of Lopez’s $150,000 student loans. I know, I’m baffled by that one, too.

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Sports

The Most Unfair Characters in Video Game History - Bo Jackson from Tecmo Bowl, the Miami Heat from NBA 2K11 and Michael Vick from every football game for like four years are included on this list, right alongside Dr. Wily. If we’re throwing in people from sports games, I’d like to nominate the entire roster of the American Dreams from Baseball Stars. [Smoking Section]

Behind Every Man: A Retrospective on Derek Jeter’s 3,000 Hits, Women - The most important aspect of Derek Jeter getting to 3,000 hits is that he has slept with (or at least Troy McClure-dated) nearly every attractive woman in Hollywood. I’d invite Jeter to my birthday party, but I’d be afraid he’d show up with Hayley from Paramore or whoever and just make out with her in front of me. I hate you, Derek Jeter >.< [With Leather]

Best and Worst of Raw 7/11: The Defining Moment of Our Generation - Actual important and cool things are happening on pro wrestling, so if you are one of those types who cheered for Stone Cold Steve Austin with your friends and haven’t given a sh:t since, jump in here and read all about it. Or, you know, don’t support the good stuff and we’ll have 10 more years of meandering crap. [With Leather]

On This Day in MMA History: July 12 - If you don’t like wrestling, you’ve probably never seen this baby photo of Brock Lesnar, and it is even better than you’re imagining. If I had three wishes, one of them would be to own a Baby Brock Lesnar. [Cage Potato]

Not Sports

RIP Sherwood Schwartz - Matt Ufford wrote a quicky eulogy for this guy, but he was actually super important to my life. I was a hyper-advanced only child without any form of ADD, so I spent way too much of my childhood staring at TV reruns, and without Sherwood Schwartz I would’ve been miserable and stuck watching NOVA. The Brady Bunch is shoot one of my favorite shows of all time, and last seasons Jan is the foxiest pre-birth crush ever. [Warming Glow]

Supercut: Cinemas Dirtiest Dirty Talk - I was hoping both American Psycho and Shark Attack 3: Megalodon would be in this, and I wasn’t disappointed. Not the kind of thing you should watch in front of people, but the kind of thing you should watch. [Film Drunk]

Meme Watch: The Zuckerberg Note Pass Is the Meme That Keeps on Giving - I feel bad that I think of Jesse Eisenberg now whenever I hear “Mark Zuckerberg”, to the point that real pictures of the guy look like an imposter. I wonder if Eisenberg is actually Facebook friends with Rashida Jones? [Uproxx]

The Live-Action Akira Has Finally Reached Its Apocalypse - The fact that the Akira movie is never going to get made is one of those things that help me know God exists. They wanted to make it about Keanu Reeves shooting machine guns and doing kung-fu with his motorcycle. Jesus Christ. [Gamma Squad]

My friend barely turned his head in my direction when he muttered, “I know you’re a Cardinals fan, but I thought that maybe you could at least appreciate Jeter’s accomplishment.” I wasn’t sure why he would say that, because as a St. Louis Cardinals fan, I’m generally viewed as the classiest and most intelligent of baseball fans. But regardless, of course I can appreciate Derek Jeter’s 3,000th hit this past Saturday. How could anyone not appreciate it?

Jeter became the first player in his franchise’s storied history to record his 3,000th career hit, and he did it in perfect New York Yankee fashion – with a home run. He became just the 28th player in Major League Baseball history to accomplish the feat of 3,000 hits, and only the second to do it with a home run (Wade Boggs) and while going 5-for-5 at the plate during that game (Craig Biggio). And with all reasonable probability, he’ll be one of the last few to hit 3,000 for quite some time.

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“meh, she’s just alright” – The Internet

Sports

Kate Upton is Good At Commercials - I’m pretty happy that the hottest woman ever’s first real moment of celebrity was posing in Sports Illustrated, which has a big SPORTS on the cover, which means I can post her here all I want and it counts as sports. Extra points for SoBe’s callous use of “Teach Me How To Dougie” in a post-M-Bone world. [Warming Glow]

Bill Simmons is God of Hollywood - KSK gives the Sport’s Guy’s recent manifesto about Ryan Reynolds the Fire Joe Morgan treatment, which essentially makes it the longest thing ever written on the Internet. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Here’s a Picture of Derek Jeter’s Balls - I’m happy we made it through over 100 years of baseball before the Internet showed up and made that “balls = testicles” joke so omnipresent. Trufax: I don’t want to look at either interpretation of Jeter’s balls. [Smoking Section]

Bo. Source: Bo. - Two consecutive days of Bo coverage! Tomorrow is a statistical breakdown of how and why Ronnie Lott was the MVP of Tecmo Bowl and not Bo. [SBN]

Not Sports

The Craziest (and Coolest) Celebrity Items Ever Listed and Purchased at Auctions - Including a tissue snotted into by Scarlett Johansson, which replaces “Traci Brooks’ Ring-Worn Bra” as things I would probably buy but won’t, and won’t tell anyone about. [Uproxx]

The First Two Minutes of Bioshock Infinite’s E3 Demo - As cool as this looks, I feel like nothing’s going to ever be as great as that first time you play through the first Bioshock. I don’t want weapons upgrades, I want references to wordy-ass literature! [Gamma Squad]

Three Countries Hate Captain America - I also would’ve accepted the headline “several countries including America hate Chris Evans”. Seriously, why do they keep casting handsome Hollywood comic relief guys as my gritty Golden Age superheroes? The Dark Knight Returns, starring Bradley Cooper as Batman! [Film Drunk]

Casey Anthony Party Photos - Girls who look like Kristen Wiig and probably murdered a baby #cangetit [EgoTV]