This is C.C. She’s a year and a half old. She can recite the retired numbers for the New York Yankees.

Okay, so she has a little help, but f**k you, she’s not even two. I’m a grown-up with a sports blog and I can’t recite the Cleveland Indians retired numbers without facepalming for five minutes. YOU try remembering Mel Harder! Anyway, C.C. (who shares a name with a Yankee, and is very excited about that fact) is adorable, thinks her daddy is the team captain of the New York Yankees and does a pretty-okay job of spitting out “Mattingly.”

YouTube user KylePMore sums up the clip nicely:

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Relevant.

By all accounts, New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter is a bro’s bro, whether he’s doing everyone a favor by releasing Minka Kelly back into the wild or handing out autographs after one-night stands. And sure, being a Yankee legend in this frenzied media era means that he’s subject to more criticism and scorn than any Bombers of the past, but he’s played it pretty cool when the NY Post has called him a fat ass or when he’s been criticized by fans (and the media) for his drop-offs in numbers, because God forbid a guy show his age.

But those are sexy stories, written to cause controversy and scandal and ultimately sell ad space, so today the New York sports media is going to have to settle with a simply awesome story about Jeter. Victoria Soto was a 27-year old teacher at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT before she was shot and killed last week while shielding children from a gunman. She was also a lifelong Yankees fan, and when Jeter heard about her, he reached out to Soto’s mother and family.

Excuse me for a second, the sinks in my eye bathroom are dripping.

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Relevant.

If you’ve been looking for a great deal on an apartment in New York City recently, well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but boy did you miss out on the bargain of the century. In what the New York Post is calling a “steal”, New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter just sold his Trump Tower penthouse for only $15.5 million. Sure, that may seem like a hefty price, but keep in mind he was selling it for $20 million, after he originally paid $12 million. Good God, this economy is destroying us all.

So who’s the lucky bargain hunter who saved $4.5 million on this guaranteed poon palace? Anheuser-Busch’s chief supply officer Claudio Ferro, that’s who. I know, it’s like one superstar to another, right?

Claudio Ferro paid $15.5 million this month for the captain’s four-bedroom bachelor pad, a palatial, suede-covered man cave, the sources said.

I’m sure suede’s not the only thing it’s covered in. *rimshot*

At $15.5 million, Ferro is getting a steal. “You would think they [the broker] would get a higher price based on Derek Jeter’s name alone,” said one mystified broker.

And you know he was mystified because he created a flash with his hands and vanished in a cloud of smoke. The strange thing here, though, is that Ferro is moving into this place with his wife and children, and that’s odd to me because, well, think of all the sex that happened in that place. You know how paranormal experts believe that if something so intense occurs in a house – like a horrific murder, or in this case 8 trillion orgasms – that it can haunt that home forever?

I’m just saying Claudio shouldn’t complain when his kids wake up to Scarlett Johansson screaming to the heavens. Anyway, let’s have a look at Mr. Ferro’s big purchase.

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Taiwan’s Next Media Animation has really gone above and beyond with their latest effort, calmly titled, “New York Yankees 2012 season goes off the rails”. Taiwan Animation generally sticks to recapping major stories with a keen sarcastic eye for the absurdity of truth, but now they’re in the predictions game, and that game includes saying C.C. Sabathia has gained so much weight that whenever he goes to the beach “Greenpeace tries to drag his ass back into the water”. They are not playing around.

I hate the Yankees as much as the next guy, but no part of “tied for first in the AL East with the Baltimore Orioles” necessitates the entire New York infield playing with the aid of walkers or calling Derek Jeter an “overrated singles slapper”. I don’t know if these things are written by committee or just by random dudes on the Internet approached by violent strangers in pig masks a la the Saw movie franchise, but man, this is extra harsh. Consider that Tampa is five games back on September 17 and … wait, am I trying to rationalize this with stats? F**k New York and their pirate ship adventures.

If New York wins the division, I’ll expect a full retraction from Next Media Animation. I also expect it to be bat-shit insane.

New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter is currently enjoying one of his better seasons of the last few years, with a .312 batting average that almost mirrors his career output. Sure, his RBI may be down, but for a 38-year old who some people were calling washed up just two seasons ago, it must be nice for Yankees fans and people who have simply appreciated Captain Clutch’s career to watch him put together one last strong run to help his franchise win No. 28.

So what’s the secret to Jeter’s twilight success? Well, this may shock you, but it could simply be the rejuvenating powers of dating a 22-year old super model. I’ve been told that’s actually better than stem cells. The New York Post has the incredibly important breaking news of Jeter’s new fling with Ralph Lauren model Hannah Davis, and somewhere Wilmer Valderrama is in the on-deck circle for sloppy seconds.

“They were flirting, having a great time, and were sitting close together,” says a witness who saw them at Meatpacking hotspot Double Seven for the last Avenue A Soundcheck bash of the summer.

I don’t care if I’m 90 and living my final days in a run-down nursing home, cut off from the only people I’ve ever loved, “Meatpacking” will always make me giggle.

“They are an item on the quiet,” says another source. “Derek and Hannah left separately, but she met up with him again later.”

Added the source, “I know this because I live in a trash can outside of Jeter’s penthouse building. Sure, it’s pricey at $8,000 for 2-sq. ft. but at least it’s rent controlled.”

This news probably won’t do much to stop the tailspin of Jeter’s ex-girlfriend Minka Kelly, who was rumored to have an under-18 sex tape lost in pervy hands while she was allegedly bouncing back and forth between Fez and Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine. Ugh, I feel filthy just writing that sentence. Either way, introduce yourself to Hannah Davis after the jump.

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Ladies, ladies, let's not fight over baseball.

Now that the NBA Playoffs are over, we can finally get back to what matters around here most – baseball and partially nude women. Thankfully, today I can bring you a story that involves both of these wonderful things, as our favorite exotic dancers at Rick’s Cabaret in New York City (use your judgment) took a moment to let us know their thoughts on this weekend’s Subway Series, with the red hot first place New York Yankees visiting the also-somewhat-hot second place New York Mets at Shea Citi Field.

I tried to ask the ladies their thoughts in person, but instead of questions like, “What do you think about the pitching matchups?” I just kept giggling like a child.

“We love the baseball guys, especially the Yankees” said Rick’s Cabaret Girl Christina. “I’ve met some of the Yankees here at the club, but I can’t tell you who. We protect everyone’s privacy here at Rick’s, she explained.

Let’s just assume she’s talking about David Aardsma. “Rehabilitation” my ass.

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