"Oi, and then I pay dat pasty bird tree quid to snog us boff."

There’s been a running theme on gossip and sports blogs for a few years that when L.A. Galaxy star David Beckham attends L.A. Lakers games, he gets a little case of the wandering eye. Basically, he’s often caught checking out Lakers Girls from his courtside seats. But in fairness to the newest Burger King spokesman:

1) The pictures are almost always taken out of context, because cameras likely catch him as he’s looking around in between plays. I mean, unless you show me a picture of him holding a sign that reads: “Check out the milk bags on that one!” I’m inclined to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. (Counterpoint: He’s a billionaire with a working penis.)

B) Have you seen Lakers Girls? HOT and DAMN.

Regardless, David reminded everyone last night why he doesn’t even need to look at other assorted ass, as he was joined at courtside by his wife, Scary Sporty Baby Ginger Posh Victoria, for Game 2 of the Lakers/Nuggets series. The Lakers squeaked out a 104-100 win over Denver, but the real winners were the fans at the Staples Center who got to watch the Beckhams on the Kiss Cam and think, “Aw, they have everything.”

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I hate the term “posterized”. Like “awesome” for good things and “ginger” for anyone with red hair, it’s become an easy catch-all term to describe every single dunk that happens. So Bismack Biyombo dunked. So what? Dude’s like 6-9, I don’t think the Costacos Brothers are rushing to put dress him like the German Kriegsmarine for a SINKING OF THE BISMACK poster. If the NBA printed a poster for every posterization we’d be living in the world of the Lorax.

What I’m getting at is that Tim Duncan didn’t “posterize” the Birdman during Sunday’s Nuggets/Spurs game … he novelized him. It starts with exposition (“this is a basketball game, Chris Andersen is trying to play defense on contextual grandpa Tim Duncan), continues on through to the rising action (“Tim Duncan hits Birdman in the face with a basketball”) toward a logical climax (“lol, he just got hit in the face with a ball AND dunked on”). The falling action could literally be Duncan coming down after the dunk, and the resolution is that the entire Internet can laugh about how pathetic he made a guy look.

The moment has been captured in glorious animated gif form below, courtesy of SBN by way of CJZero.com.

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In Kenneth Faried’s first game, he had four rebounds and zero points. In his second, he takes an incredible no-look alley-oop from reserve guard Rudy Fernandez and skies above a defeated Jimmer Fredette to put a f**king exclamation point on the Nuggets 110-83 rout of the Sacramento Kings.

It ranks somewhere between “the first sip of oasis water when you’ve been crawling through the desert” and “losing your virginity to Kate Upton” on the scale of how great the first of something can be. This is the kind of stuff I pretended to be doing when I was 13 and dunking on a seven-foot rim.

Tom Ziller of SB Nation offers further analysis:

I can’t wait until Faried and Nene start appearing together. We won’t know which braided superathlete it is flying through the air!

It’s finally over, friends. Possibly one of the worst, if not the worst, NBA Drafts in recent memory. The Cleveland Cavaliers ended weeks of speculation that they would either make Duke’s Kyrie Irving the No. 1 pick in this year’s draft or they would keep pretending like they were going to take Derrick Williams by selecting Irving. Meanwhile, the Minnesota Timberwolves managed to screw up the incredibly simple task of trading the No. 2 pick of Williams, a player they don’t need, for assets they do need and future picks. And there were plenty of trades that made little sense, European players we’ve never heard of, jackass fans booing every single pick, and a second round full of guys we will never hear from again. Ah yes, the glorious NBA Draft.

Now I’m no expert by any means, and I’m often wrong when it comes to projections and theories. But I have become quite a big NBA fan over the past few seasons, so I’m learning. And I think that this draft was an exceptional learning tool for the fan like me, learning to love a sport that has never been kind in parity, while also being completely aware that the league is locking out in 6 days. So I had some thought while watching this draft and I thought that I might share them. What can I say? I’m a generous lover.

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Miami Heat 97, Philadelphia 76ers 91 (Series: 4-1 MIA)

Prior to last night’s series-clinching win over the 76ers, LeBron James said that he and the Heat were ready to finish their breakfast. After the Heat won, LeBron said he’s ready for lunch. Here’s the thing about these food analogies – the 76ers weren’t exactly a pushover. So if Philly was a plate of waffles, then the Boston Celtics, who swept their “breakfast” handily, are going to be lobsters stuffed with tacos. Too bad the Heat didn’t sign Eddy Curry or they’d be on to their midnight snack by now.

But this isn’t about upcoming matchups – and let’s chill out with the “greatest second round matchup in history” chatter I saw on Twitter last night. Andre Iguodala finally showed up and combined for 44 points with Elton Brand, as their young teammates continued to show promise. But the Three Burger Kings combined for 64 and Mario Chalmers chipped in another 20 so there wasn’t much of a chance for Philly. But on a purely entertainment level, this was a fun series with a lot of fight from Philly.

P.S. – Nice dunk at the end by Dwyane Wade. Call it whatever you want, but I’m very superstitious when it comes to sports so here’s to hoping Wade isn’t, because sports karma exists and she’s a fickle whore.

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I thought to myself this morning, “Damn Burnsy, that’s some serious morning log. Also, isn’t it a little unfair that you do a daily NBA Playoffs recap but not a NHL recap?” And yes, I do suppose that is a little unfair, but it’s also unfair to make me watch hockey.

Memphis Grizzlies 104, San Antonio Spurs 86 (Series: 3-1 MEM)

A few weeks back I called the Grizzlies the hottest team in the NBA at the time and my friend called me crazy, and I proposed a friendly wager that Memphis would upset San Antonio in the first round, but we eventually decided that neither of our kidneys were worth betting. In the meantime, Mike Conley looked like a star last night as the Grizz simply pounded the Spurs. Tim Duncan had a worthless 6 points, while Tony Parker and Man Ginobili did their best to strap Richard Hamilton’s corpse to their back and play Weekend at Bernie’s with him.

The Spurs will need a miracle to reverse this current state of affairs. Better yet, they should just push for the NBA lockout to start now. The Orlando Magic have offered to help.

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