Ah Twitter, where athlete rants are born and subsequently apologized for. Today’s hot rant comes courtesy of New York Jets DB Antonio Cromartie, who bought into the rumors that his team could indeed be sending a draft pick to the Denver Broncos for Tim Tebow, and we should have listened to him, because he was right. The Jets indeed traded for Tim Tebow.
Cromartie actually made a valid point that his team should be focused on other pieces to help Mark Sanchez, who just signed an extension with the Jets after rumors that they were pursuing Peyton Manning. But he’s probably just upset that he has another name to remember. *rim shot*
As I said, valid points… if Tebow will be competing for the starting QB gig. But he won’t. He’ll be filling Brad Smith’s previous role as the utility guy for wildcat and gimmick plays, which would be especially potent now that Mr. Wildcat himself, Tony Sparano, is running the offense for the Jets. Hell, Cromartie and the Jets should be excited about the idea of Tebow as a QB/HB/TE/FB/WR option for Sanchez.
In the meantime, if you’re wondering where that massive shadow is coming from, it’s the New York sports media’s erection.
With Peyton Manning officially signed to a 5-year, $96 million deal to be the quarterback of the Denver Broncos, the Broncos are reportedly shopping Tebow for a third round draft pick, despite having originally drafted him in the first round. The rumor mill makes it seem as the frontrunners are the Jacksonville Jaguars – with owner Shad Kahn’s love of the Florida Gators legend and desire to fill seats – and the New York Jets – with their love of being in the spotlight and desire to fill the hole left by Brad Smith.
A decision is expected at some point today as to which team Tebow will be unceremoniously shipped off to, but there’s apparently another decision that needs to be made… involving Tebow’s heart. According to the NY Post, which really understands the important news, Tebow has wedged himself between Glee Star Dianna Agron and her boyfriend and apparent Disney cartoon character Sebastian Stan.
Tebow was spotted chatting with Agron at an Oscar party in late February.
Ooooh, they’re practically married already!
He was also seen days later on a date with Taylor Swift, although sources insist that — even though Swift appears to be sweet on Tebow — they are strictly friends.
The new split leaves the door open for Tebow to nab Agron. But the devout Christian quarterback has other things on his mind, such as his possible departure from the Broncos, who just signed Peyton Manning.
Tebow has been the focus of trade rumors with teams including the Jets, Miami Dolphins and Jacksonville Jaguars. Even Denver’s John Elway said, “Tim Tebow is a great kid. If I want someone to marry my daughter, it would be him.”
That is, of course, until Elway’s daughter complains that Tebow just can’t get it done on his own and she’s thankful that Von Miller and Matt Prater are able to come in and really pound away for the victory.
News Anchor Drops F-Bomb When She Hears That Peyton Manning Will Sign with Broncos - Not as funny as the eventual follow-up, “Tim Tebow drops f-bomb in church when he hears God has forsaken him”. [Brobible]
Careful What You Tebow For - When I Tebow, I like to Tebow for world peace. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
Video: Tyler Honeycutt Baptizes Michael Beasley - I’m guessing this also has something to do with Tebow? [Smoking Section]
Best of Mechanical Bull Fails - I love that HuffPo thinks “not successful riding the mechanical bull until the end” is a “fail”. He slowly slid off! LOL! [HuffPost Comedy]
Everything These Drunken Dumbass Brothers Needed to Know About MMA They Learned From a Chuck Liddell Highlight - Advice: do not attempt to recreate anything you’ve ever seen in your own backyard. [Cage Potato]
Michael Bay says new TMNT will be “edgy, lovable, aliens” - Michael Bay’s only interpretation of science-fiction is “aliens”. He should remake the Twilight Zone and have ever ending just be “aliens”. [Film Drunk]
Our 30 Favorite Wondercon Cosplay Photos So Far - Every year they should retire one costume from cosplay rotation. This year it should be The Joker. Actually, that should’ve been every year for the past 20 years. [Gamma Squad]
Sofia Vergara Is the Deserved Cover Girl for the Sex Issue - At least in a still photo you can’t hear her yell “JYAYYYYYYY, JYAYYYYYYYY”. [Warming Glow]
The Best Of #Roger Sterling - “Being in blackface once, getting robbed once and emotionally harassing Joan all the time” memed onto a picture of him having a heart attack. [UPROXX]
UPROXX @ SXSW: A House For Lions, Youngblood Hawke And The Workaholics House Party - Or, “how I spent my Friday afternoon”. A very tight butthole gallery. In fact, the only loose butthole aspect of the day was the complete lack of Jillian. [UPROXX]
This Liquor Store Has The Best Signs - Finally, someone’s taken the concept of funny church signs and applied it to the secular world. [Buzzfeed]
Every Itchy & Scratchy From The Simpsons - 48 minutes of your time well spent, especially when it gets to the Poochie parts in the middle. [NextRound]
5 British Shows That Will Please the “Downton-Abbey” Loving Old Lady Within You - I was hoping “Oh Do Behave!” was on the list somewhere. [Pajiba]
It’s Twitter Official: Peyton Manning is about to become a Denver Bronco. In a related story, Tim Tebow is up Sh*t Creek and accidentally tossed his oar into the wilderness.
When God closes a door, he opens a window — now that the “WHERE WILL PEYTON MANNING GO? I BET IT’S HERE” story every city with a football team’s newspaper has been writing for the last month is dead, it will be replaced by “COULD TIM TEBOW END UP IN OUR CITY WITH A FOOTBALL TEAM?” Boston.com is already on it, projecting that Tebow will be traded to the Patriots, for some reason. He’s also being traded to Arizona, Miami, Jacksonville and any other regional website that needs page views.
More on the story as it develops, especially if it involves Tebow singing in the garden of Gethsemane.
One of the first of many strange moments in this Peyton Manning free agency saga was actor Rob Lowe Tweeting that he “was hearing” that Manning would be retiring, presumably due to his 4th neck surgery. Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay fired back something about classic rock songs and his new El Camino – my memory might be a little hazy – and the rest of us just made a bunch of jokes on Twitter, while silently hoping Rob was right so it would destroy sports reporting as we know.
Alas, here we are, on the morning of Manning’s first free agency, awaiting his decision with baited (tee hee!) breath. And if you’d like to believe him, Rob’s brother, Chad, also seems to be a bit of a scooper.
So Rob said Manning would retire and he was wrong. Chad says Manning will sign with the Arizona Cardinals, so by law of DNA and celebrity dipshittery I would be feeling pretty great if I were a Denver Broncos fan right now. That is, unless you’re one of the 60% of Broncos fans who would rather have Tim Tebow under center for next season, in which case, there are plenty of tickets available for Jacksonville Jaguars games next year.
With NFL free agency set to begin tomorrow, a lot of people believe that a handful of teams qualify for this equation:
Mediocre to average 2011 season + Peyton Manning coming off 4th neck surgery = ZOMG SUPER BOWL!!!1!
Among those teams have been the Denver Broncos, Arizona Cardinals, Seattle Seahawks, New York Jets, Washington Redskins, Tennessee Titans, San Francisco 49ers, Houston Texans, Philadelphia Eagles and Miami Dolphins. And what we know from an outlandish barrage of rumors and reports over the last 5 days is that only the Broncos and Cardinals really have a shot, because Manning hasn’t met with any other teams and he doesn’t want to. (Update: He’ll meet with Tennessee after all. Double Update: This is why the dead period before free agency sucks, because people can just report anything. Manning will meet with the Dolphins.)
That includes the Dolphins, but only because Manning claimed he’s familiar enough with their facilities that he doesn’t need a meeting. And while I think that’s a death rattle for Miami’s chances, that hasn’t stopped Miami’s fans from making one last-ditch, musical effort to sway Manning’s opinion.