Proving once again that the Denver Broncos should have kept Tim Tebow instead of signing Peyton Manning, controversy is brewing in a Colorado town over kids wearing Manning’s bright orange No. 18 jersey to school. Officials from the Weld County School System are receiving criticism for their decision to ban Manning’s replica jersey from the halls of schools in cities like Greeley, because the No. 18 is affiliated with local gangs.

God help my collection of hilarious personalized jerseys if the Crips ever use the number 69.

A spokesperson for Weld County District 6 explained the policy has been around for more than three years and applies to the numbers 13, 14, 18, 31, 41 and 81.

“We’re Broncos fans ourselves; it has nothing to do with that. We’re just wanting to set a consistent solid, example,” said district spokesperson Roger Fiedler. (Via Fox News)

I tried to do some research and figure out why these particular numbers were so dangerous, because if Dan Brown has taught me anything, it’s that symbols are everywhere, man. So when I Googled “18” like I assume all numerologists would do when investigating something, I was very surprised at what I found…

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Back before the sports news world was dominated by stories about how stupid the Orlando Magic is for not giving Dwight Howard to the Brooklyn Nets or how everyone should love and worship LeBron James now because he won the NBA Championship or how something called the Summer Olympics is about to happen, there was the NFL, which also had news. Chief among that news was Peyton Manning’s free agency, an occurrence that we never thought would happen.

But sure enough, it did and Manning, who said from the beginning that it was never about money, signed a 5-year deal worth $96 million with the Denver Broncos. So what do you do with that much money? You buy a $5 million home in your new town. And don’t worry, Manning will never have a shortage of places to poop.

Manning purchased the home for $4,575,000. The home was originally listed in March 2011 at $5.25 million.

Manning’s new home, according to the listing through Fuller Sotheby’s International Realty, is more than 16,000 square feet and sits on 3.37 acres. It includes seven bathrooms, separate media and billiard rooms, a “safe” room and an elevator. (Via the Denver Post)

Seven bathrooms. What do you even do with that? I like to think I’d be like my dog, who likes to poop in three different spots every time I take her out. I’d just pinch it off and run from bathroom to bathroom until I’m done.

Ah, back to the good jokes.

As we’ve discussed in the past, you can’t have much of a conversation about recent New York Jets acquisition Tim Tebow without religion being mentioned. Whether it’s our juvenile jokes or the fiery rages of cable news debate, Tebow’s No. 1 claim to fame isn’t that he’s a former Heisman Trophy winner and BCS champion quarterback, but that he really loves God.

So it goes without saying that certain religious figures would list Tebow as their favorite athlete, and that seems to be the case with televangelist Pat Robertson, who took time out from spreading the gospel to complain about the Denver Broncos giving up on Tebow for that washed up bum, Peyton Manning.

“I think the Denver Broncos treated him shabbily. He won seven games. He brought them into the playoffs, for heaven sakes. I mean, they were a nothing team. He rallied them together with spectacular last-minute passes and, you know, when they beat Buffalo — I mean, Pittsburgh — it was a tremendous victory.”

Buffalo in the playoffs? Now I know that you’re just a senile old coot.

“And you just ask yourself, OK, Peyton Manning was a tremendous MVP quarterback, but he’s been injured. If that injury comes back, Denver will find itself without a quarterback — and in my opinion, it would serve them right.”

I don’t think there’s anything necessarily wrong with what Robertson said, really, because it actually seems like common sense commentary – “If Manning gets injured, the Broncos have nothing.” Unfortunately, common sense doesn’t make good headlines. In fact, it’s a lot more fun if you take what Robertson said – that if Manning gets injured, maybe Denver deserves to be screwed – and make it much more scandalous.

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LOOK AT BANNER, TEBOW!

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Links

The Craziest 10 Minutes In NFL History - This is about Joe Theismann’s leg breaking and all the gross replays, isn’t it? [Smoking Section]

Jennifer Lawrence Hurls A Bucket Of KFC Fried Chicken At A Basketball Hoop - Technically sports related! Also, possibly racist? [Buzzfeed]

6 Actors Who Played the Exact Same Role in Two Very Different Franchises - Chris Paul should be on this list. So should Ryan Gosling in ‘Drive’ and ‘The Mickey Mouse Club’. [Unreality]

Old Dirty Bastard biopic to star Omar from The Wire - Hey! Dirt-ay! Baby I got your honey (Nut Cheerios) don’t you worry! [Film Drunk]

‘Let Me Tweet That For You’ Will Be Your Favorite Thing On The Internet For The Next Five Minutes - This is one of those masterful moments of technology where you get excited to find it, then have absolutely nothing to use it for. Like Hypercolor. [UPROXX]

Will Ferrell Discusses Butt Sex, Demonstrates Dog Training Skills On Conan - Casa De Mi Padre was really funny, but the entire time I couldn’t stop thinking, “Man, I wish this was Black Dynamite“. [UPROXX]

This New Ending To Mass Effect 3 Explains Everything - Now I want to do one of these for The Blair Witch Project, just to put up a picture of the Blair Witch with THEY AIN’T EVEN SHOW THE BLAIR WITCH under it. [Gamma Squad]

The SF Giants Mascot Battle Royal, Or ‘Giant Seal Doesn’t Know How To Work’ - Reposting for posterity. Still the funniest and best thing to happen to me all week. [With Leather]

‘Mad Men’: The 8-Bit Choose Your Own Adventure Game - This needs to be more like the ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit?’ NES game. I want to hop on one foot and punch Jimmy Barrett. [Warming Glow|]

13 Oddly Intelligent Instances Of Bathroom Graffiti - Saw one that said “yeah, but is it art?” inside a port-a-potty during SXSW. Didn’t know if it was talking about the pile of diapers or what. [HuffPost Comedy]

10 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Sloths - Thing 11: Sloths love Chunk. But maybe you knew that. [The FW]

Why Do the Sitcoms We Love Have So Little in Common with the Lives We Lead? - I don’t know what this article is talking about, when Zooey Deschanel broke up with the guy from Death Cab she moved into my apartment, and she and I and all our friends go on these wacky date-adventures that end with us being a little worse for wear, but better friends. [Pajiba]

Former New York Jets quarterback Joe Namath believes that there’s only one thing you need to know to be a great quarterback, and he’d rather jog back to his car than fill in new Jet Tim Tebow.

When word spread that the Jets had traded for Tim Tebow, it was only a matter of time before the franchise’s most famous quarterback chimed in with his take.

“I’m just sorry that I can’t agree with this situation,” Namath told ESPN Radio New York on Wednesday. “I think it’s just a publicity stunt. I can’t go with it. I think it’s wrong. I don’t think they know what they’re doing over there.” (via NFL.com)

I know that Tim Tebow is a fundamentally terrible pro quarterback and that a lot of the successes his fans attributed to faith or whatever last season had more to do with the rest of the Denver Broncos busting their asses, but I’m starting to feel really badly for the guy.

I have one of the least important jobs in the world, and if someone leaves a dismissive comment about how I suck, I don’t lose my mind over it, but it does make me feel bad. Imagine if every day of your life was full of sports, TV and media analysis making raspberries when they hear your name, running you down for being worthless and suggesting that anyone who DOES want or support you is just doing it for lulz? It’s not exactly putting your name on a tombstone on the front page of the newspaper, but it’s gotta be rough.

Surely Tebow will soldier through this and use the doubters to fuel his future successes, thanks in part to his faith in God, as well as his beautiful mistress, millions of dollars, solid gold house and rocket car.

"And this is the sound mah private plane makes... DERRRRRRRRP."

This might be my favorite story of the year so far. A Colorado man and Navy veteran passed away on Monday, and above all else he prided himself as a huge Denver Broncos fan. That’s important to note, because he went out with the coolest obituary opening I’ve ever read.

James H. “Jim” Driver, 78, of Eagle, Colo., formerly of Columbia, passed away Monday, March 19, 2012, at South Hampton Place in Columbia after a brief illness. An avid Broncos fan, he abhorred Manning and evidently wanted out before a deal was done. (Via The Columbia Daily Tribune)

Reading the rest of his obituary, Driver sounds like a pretty cool guy. He married a girl from St. Louis, lived in Florida and owned a pizza shop. He also donated his spare time to teaching kids how to ice skate – not my bag, but I like teaching kids how to curse – and helping animal shelters. It’s like he outlined the life I want to live, only to leave out the part about repopulating an entire of race of large-breasted alien women who look like Kate Upton but are all Siamese twins.

I may have never met Jim Driver, but I get the feeling I would have enjoyed watching a football game with him.

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