Cycling has erythropoietin. Major League Baseball has “the cream” and “the clear”. But news out of Jessamine County, Kentucky, confirms that the hallowed sport of Demolition Derby has the most harmful performance enhancing drug of all — getting piss drunk.

36-year-old David Warner has officially gotten in trouble for the dumbest thing in human history. Nicholasville police at the Jessamine County Fair arrested Warner and charged him with DUI after receiving complaints about his driving in a demolition derby. They approached him after he got out of his car, noting that he was “staggering” and not once attributing this to the fact that he’d just spent the last however long driving his f**king car into things. This sounds like the type of thing any free-thinking, rational adult would laugh at and dismiss, but people who love Kentucky enough to try and run its parks and rec events are outraged.

“The young man has no future here as far as events. He will not be allowed to participate in any event on these fairgrounds,” Jessamine County Fair board president Jay Bruner said.

Warner talked to NEWSFIRST Thursday afternoon saying he was unfairly treated, and called the charge ridiculous.

“I mean, I’m not denying I wasn’t drinking by no means, but I was not drunk. I was under the limit,” Warner said. Warner claims he drank a few beers before hitting the track, to “loosen me up,” but he said it wasn’t enough to warrant a DUI.

“I’m not perfect, but this has gone too far, and I will fight it,” he said.

Saying you’ve been drinking but were still “under the limit” is like starting sentences with “how is it racist when” or “how it it racist that” to prove you aren’t being racist. I think “yes I was drunk, but you’d think traffic laws wouldn’t apply when I’m crashing into things for sport about twenty feet from the pig tent” would be the better argument, or maybe “why don’t you arrest the guy operating that rigged-ass ring toss”.

The worst part is that Warner WON the damn thing, and now he could be stripped of his trophy and prize money. You drive drunk at a Kentucky fair demolition derby and there’s still room to fall.

[h/t Off The Bench]

Are you looking for a special way to ask for your ladyfriend's hand in marriage?  Well, this is how they do it in Bloomsburg, PA:

Kevin Weaver's engagement to Karen Slusser got off to a smashing start — he painted his proposal on a car and drove it in a demolition derby. "Every woman I know says she wants to announce it to the world when she gets engaged. I figured I'd announce it for her and make it well noted," said Weaver, 34, of Danville. Slusser, 47, of Mifflinville, knew Weaver was entering the derby. She saw him paint the car white and light blue, then top it with a stuffed bunny to advertise her rabbit-breeding business. But this past week, Weaver moved the car to a friend's garage, saying he needed to keep it out of the rain. While it was hidden inside, he painted "Karen Slusser will u marry me?" from the hood along the driver's side and up the trunk. He also attached a large stuffed ring — with fabric diamond — to the bunny's paws.

A demolition derby driver marrying a rabbit breeder?  What are the odds of that happening?  Talk about a mismatch.  This pair is definitely headed for counseling beause she'll be all like "I need the space in front of the trailer house for more cages because these fucking bunnies are breeding like fucking rabbits!", and he'll be all like "But I need the the space in front of the trailer house to repair that fucking Olds Omega for the derby this weekend!" -KD