Educated sportswriter opinion: The Buffalo Bills will easily beat the Bengals. That game happens tonight, right?

Links

When Will Disgusting Fan Treatment Of Female Sportswriters Stop? - When the female sportswriters get hotter, am I right guys? Up high! But no, seriously, Fans Of Things need to stop being such ridiculous troglodytes about everything ever. [The Postgame]

We Like To Think It Happened Like This: Delonte West Finally Got A New Job - In case you missed this on Friday, give it a read. Burnsy is funny as hell, and I’m happy he’s got an In Real Life job, because if he didn’t, he’d have mine. [With Leather]

Words Cannot Express How Much I Want A Hobbes Stuffed Animal - DESPERATELY WANTING. I agree with the sentiment of the article, too (that buying one defies Watterson’s wishes), but Jesus. [Gamma Squad]

Well Now It Makes Sense - Were you aware that the creators of “South Park” do drugs? Did that ever cross your mind? [Warming Glow]

Read Ron Swanson’s Diary From His Time In The Woods Hiding From Tammy 1 - I think what I like so much about Parks and Rec is how comfortable I feel watching it. I don’t ever have those “why am I still watching this” moments like I do with “The Office”, or those “OH GOD NO GOD NO” moments I have watching Whitney. [UPROXX]

Two Black Swan Interns Sue Studio, Misunderstand Concept of “Intern” - Maybe it’s just one intern with two personalities! [Film Drunk]

NYPD Message To Women: Keep Wearing Skirts If You Want To Get Raped - Not the kind of thing you want to click on on a Monday morning, but something you should read and see. My message to cops: try to be good cops, for once in your f**king lives. [Buzzfeed]

Anna Faris and the Sexiest Comediennes in Movies - I think allowing yourself to be called a “comedienne” is the first step to unsexiness. [Moviefone]

Melissa Gorga Clarifies: I Wasn’t a Stripper (Just a Bikini Bartender) - Sure, that’s what every girl who dances at a strip club but doesn’t want to admit it on the Internet says. [AOL TV]

Miles the Great Dane is not so great at getting out of tubs - Yes he is. He is doing a great job. [The Daily What]

The Best Face Tattoo Mug Shots (So Far) of 2011 - smdh at you, everyone but me. [Brobible]

"Yo, this is Delonte West, buy this bedroom and knock boots."

This has been a pretty tough summer for a lot of NBA players, as the only income most of the mid-level and rookie contract guys have received came from their final paychecks from last season. While the game’s elite players haven’t skipped a beat in their baller, swagged out lives, there are guys that are really just struggling to make ends meet. Perhaps no NBA player has embodied this idea more than eventual free agent guard Delonte West.

Initially, West, like many other players, explored the possibility of playing overseas during the lockout. In fact, West seemed like the poster child for players that needed to grab a few paychecks from a European league to keep his lifestyle intact. Alas, this country’s unfair legal system told him that he could not leave because of his probation stemming from his 2009 arrest for possession of firearms. It’s truly hard out there for a pimp.

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Unless you’re still locked away in your fallout shelter, you already know that yesterday’s 5.9 earthquake in Virginia wasn’t very much to worry about. Sure, us hurricane-loving, proper-time-zone-having East Coast simple folk only know tremors as a delightful Kevin Bacon film about giant worms. So you left coasters will have to forgive us when an earthquake actually strikes our neck of the States and we act a little shocked. And laugh all you want, but just wait until I send some Floridians out your way to register as California voters. Who will be laughing then?

As usual, some professional athletes took to their Twitter accounts to express their hysteria and/or indifference at yesterday’s earthquake, which reportedly reached New York and Pennsylvania. Sadly, our favorite usual suspects like Chad Ochocinco, Jose Canseco, and the Iron Sheik were mum on the quake. But some new faces – mostly athletes from the Washington D.C. area – stepped up and added their own interesting commentary on the matters. Thankfully, none of them blamed it on gay marriage.

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Last week I introduced you to the phat beats, yo, of Boston Celtics guard Delonte West, AKA Charlee Redz, as nobody ever sent him the memo about NBA players and rap careers. Proud of the release of his new album, “Lockout,” West seemed poised to take over the world of incomprehensible rap lyrics set over paint-by-numbers beats, all while wearing his favorite sleeveless shirt. Now it turns out that instant rap star money doesn’t exactly flow in so quickly, as West Tweeted that he applied for a job at Home Depot to get him through the lockout.

Either this is one hell of a viral marketing endorsement deal or we’re finally seeing just how serious this lockout is.

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smdh

Sports

Santiago Casilla And The Worst Plate Appearance In Baseball History - A guy with no interest in batting gets on base because a pitcher can’t throw three uncontested strikes. He’s standing like two feet from the plate, I’m thinking Billy f**king Marlin could’ve wandered out and made those throws. [SBN]

Ndamukong Suh Is Still Trying To Decapitate Quarterbacks - I wish my name was 1/50th as cool as Ndamukong Suh’s. My name is “Brandon” because I was born in the 80s. Ten years later 90210 showed up and every kid got the name. I’m going to name my nerdy white child “Ndamukong” to turn the tides. [Smoking Section]

Rex Ryan Photobombs Mark Sanchez’s GQ Photo Shoot - It does look like some pretty good bathin’. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Hot Potato Gallery: Iryna Ivanova, MMA Ring Girl And Playboy Playmate - At some point we’re going to have to draw the line in regards to whom we masturbate. Seriously, if you took away this girl’s boobs she’d be the Harry Potter cosplay girl down at Jamba Juice. She’s the type who’d show up on Ricki Lake as the LOOK AT ME NOW lady. But yes, her boobs are giant. [Cage Potato]

With Leather

The Best and Worst of WWE Summerslam 2011 - Enjoy the general positivity of this column, because I came pretty close to doing The Worst And Worst for Raw. I can’t even figure out a way to drag a Best out of Kelly Kelly at this point. [With Leather]

Alex Smith Is Awful - and nine other random thoughts from the NFL this weekend. In a better world, Burnsy’s football stuff would get 150 comments and my dumb wrestling things would be begging for feedback. I mean, moreso than they already are. [With Leather]

Kimbo Slice Hilariously Murders White Nobody - Update: Kimbo also beat Von Kaiser, but he’s having trouble on Piston Honda because he’s seven and can’t get the hang of the “block” mechanics. I would put up a better fight than this guy and I haven’t thrown a real punch since I was 16. [With Leather]

Delonte West Is A Rapper Now - Of course he is. Is he still riding around on a three-wheeled motorcycle? That would be even cooler. [With Leather]

Not Sports

Huzzah! Kate Plus 8 Finally Canceled - Now Kate can lower to her rightful role of being about as famous as Flo from Progressive. I still wish they’d done a show called “Jon Plus Non” about Jon Gosselin wandering around smoking, having to care for no-one. [Warming Glow]

On the Catwalk: The Best of the Algonquin Hotel’s Cat Fashion Show - I tried hard to justify this as sports, but came up short. I can give the thumbs up to a sex doll contest and air guitar, but not cat fashion shows. I’m doing the internet wrong. [UPROXX]

Ken Jeong and Donald Glover Talk Community Season 3 - Brandon talks wanting to watch Community Season 3 right now. It’s been off long enough for me to start thinking it’s not as good as it actually is. Come back quickly before I start having stupid opinions! [Ask Men]

The Worst People On Facebook (And Possibly The Planet) - Hoooooly sh*t. It starts off bad and gets so, so much worse. I thought I knew some messed up people. Way to ruin “boom, roasted” for everyone, jerks. [College Humor]

While there are so many terrible examples from the past two decades, it should come as absolutely no surprise that a professional basketball player hasn’t learned that we don’t want to hear him rap. Next on the long list of NBA players turned terrible rappers is Delonte West, who is most famous for fighting his teammates, possibly sleeping with LeBron James’ mom, and absolutely nothing beyond that.

West’s debut album is aptly titled, “Lockout” and his first single is “Livin’ Life Fast.” I assume it’s about driving fast cars and talking so that people can’t understand you. Maybe it will unlock the mystery of West’s lip and why it looks like he’s constantly having an allergic reaction to cranberry juice. See for yourself after the jump, and don’t hate me for this.

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