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Girls on the Internet have had a tough August.

Earlier this month, UK tabloid The Sun reportedly showed Sports Illustrated covergirl Kate Upton a photo of teen boy-band sensation One Direction and asked her to pick out which member she thought was the cutest. If you’re unfamiliar with the group (or their hits “One Thing” and “What Makes You Beautiful”), they’re five teenagers with attitude formed a la the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers on the seventh season of the British version of ‘The X Factor’. Imagine the Spice Girls if they were boys, and all five of them were Baby Spice. Kate apparently pointed out band member Harry Styles, which instantly caused rumors that she had a crush on him and planned to hook up with him at the MTV Video Music Awards. I don’t know.

Anyway, the rumors were squashed, but with the VMAs only a week away (they air on September 6), radio hosts like Ryan Seacrest are bringing them up again. If you felt a rumbling yesterday afternoon, don’t be alarmed — it was only One Direction’s six-million-plus Twitter followers FREAKING THE F**K OUT because their confrontational sexual armageddon is nigh. One Direction Kate Upton rumors are their horsemen.

It’s a nice mixture of girls pretending they’ve never heard of Kate Upton, girls feeling shamed and insignificant because America’s closest living equivalent to Jessica Rabbit is competing for the same guy as them, a metric ton of name-calling and good old fashioned death threats. I’ve compiled a few of my favorites, and I hope you enjoy them. Well, “enjoy” is probably the wrong word.

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During last night’s heated NBA playoffs, a 26-year-old man tried to assault Celtic manager Doc Rivers, who — wait, I’m not reading this right. European papers never provide context, they just assume I know who everybody is. No, Glasgow’s Celtic F.C. manager Neil Lennon was assaulted by a fan during a Scottish football match on Wednesday night, landing a glancing blow before being taken down by security.

The best part is that the guy was attacking on behalf of a team called “Heart.” The full name of the team is “Heart of Midlothian,” which sounds like something Dracula would task you to find. Check out a video recap of the incident below.

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A month before the Boston Red Sox won their second World Series title in franchise history, pitcher “Smoky” Joe Wood was the target of a devious assassination conspiracy that rocked professional baseball to its core. Well, not really, because an actual death threat sent to the pitcher was only recently discovered by the gumshoes at Bugs and Cranks only 99 years after it was originally sent.

It appears that some dastardly villains in Cleveland didn’t want the Sox to defeat the New York Giants, and they knew that Wood was probably going to be a considerable part of Boston’s effort, as he was an excellent pitcher. Threats be damned, because Wood went on to record the W’s in three of Boston’s four wins and he survived until 1985, when nature’s assassin, old age, finally caught up to him.

Here’s the translation with no changes to the grammar that would still be considered passing in Florida public schools…

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A few weeks ago, former Florida Gators receiver Chris Rainey was arrested for aggravated stalking, which I assume means that he was stalking but he wasn’t good at it so he just became so aggravated. The stalkee was his ex-girlfriend, and the police got involved after Rainey texted her: “Time to die, bitch.” His efforts were so inspiring that even the guy who pistol-whipped Jacksonville Jaguars wide receiver Kassim Osgood misquoted Rainey’s text while trying to kill his ex-girlfriend. But that’s all in the past now, because Rainey only got a misdemeanor and is back with the Gators.

While Florida coach and all-around swell judge of character Urban Meyer hasn’t said what the terms of Rainey’s return are yet, I’m willing to bet it goes something like this: 1) Come play receiver again. 2) Help us stop sucking. 3) Maybe, possibly, pretty please stop sending death threats to your ex-girlfriend. Rainey’s ex told the police and prosecutors that she didn’t actually feel threatened by Rainey so she didn’t want him to suffer the felony charges that everyone else on the planet would receive for aggravated stalking.

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CBS Football loud yeller Shannon Sharpe is taking some time off after being accused of forcing a woman to have sex with him, making death threats against her, and stalking her. Sharpe released a very brief statement to the media declaring his voluntary time off until the matter is solved. Dan Marino also announced that he’ll take time off from CBS so he can continue to argue with Sharpe.

The accusations against Sharpe come as he’s expected to be voted into the NFL Hall of Fame’s 2011 class, and this could really hurt him because everyone knows that you have to wait until you’re in the HOF before you attack women.

Why do you make me hurt you like this, Denver Post:

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