For the sake of Colts' fans, I hope they weren't listening to Bob Lamey's radio call on Sunday night. For the sake of hilarity, I hope they were.
Lamey also wants you to know that Dewey defeated Truman, the polar ice caps are fine, and Bambi's mom is okay… wait, no good. I'm sorry.
Kissing Suzy Kolber is having a bit of fun with this screen grab from Sunday night's Colts' implosion. This was around the time that Adam Vinatieri shanked the game away, but before Peyton Manning threw his game-ending sixth interception. Good times.
I particularly enjoy Jim Sorgi's expression here. He's got that "concentrating on something far away" look that normal people get when a raving derelict enters a subway car. If I don't look at him he won't hurt me. Then he leaves the car and you can be all, "Yeah, that guy was fucked up, but I was ready to do something if shit went down." Sorgi knows what I'm talking about. He's a hindsight badass.
Well, sexy people, it's another Monday morning, and it was another Sunday chock full o' sucktastic badness in the NFL. Let's get straight to the contenders, because it's Veteran's Day — a holiday dedicated to ME — and I'm not gonna waste time with frilly verbiage when I should be taking the day off.
The Browns' Derek Anderson deserves a mention for his second-half shitfest that helped the Steelers get back into the game; Joe Gibbs's play-calling hasn't changed since the 1980s; and the Green Bay Packers are officially evil for hurting our Purple Savior. C'mon, Green Bay, wasn't pitching the shutout enough? Oh, and remember when Brian Billick was an offensive genius? His team almost got shut out by the team that gave up 51 to the Browns.
But the big winners of the Suck-Off are Peyton Manning and Adam Vinatieri, who combined forces to out-suck Norv Turner, the gold standard of sucking. Manning threw a franchise-record six interceptions in the Colts' 23-21 loss. Of course, Marvin Harrison and Dallas Clark were out with injuries, but I didn't realize their substitutes were wearing Chargers jerseys. Vinatieri missed two field goals, including a chip-shot would-be game-winner with less than two minutes to play, cementing his status as past his prime and overpaid. The best part about this Colts' loss (other than the schadenfreude)? KSK's Unsilent Majority will be giving up masturbation for a month because of it. It's gonna be just like that shitty Josh Hartnett movie, what's it called? 30 Days of Night. Yeah, it'll be like that, except instead of vampires he'll have to fight his urge to jerk it.
SITE NEWS: Yes, I'm going to go enjoy a day off. If you had a holiday dedicated to you, you'd take it off, too. Unfortunately, until Sloth and Incompetence Day becomes a federal holiday, you'll just have to deal with it. Anyway, don't worry, I've got a couple more videos and posts that will go up through the day so you don't get too lonely.
Here's the video of the Colts' favorite "crowd noise CD" skipping during World War III yesterday. Well, kinda the video. I don't remember half of the screen being green yesterday. Phil Simms and Jim Nantz do a nice job of acting like nothing at all happens, even though the cheering skips for several seconds before abruptly stopping. And because it's en vogue to bitch about radios not working, Tom Brady stated that he worked most of yesterday's game without any radio connection to Coach Bill Belichick.
Ugh, I'm tired of this lame-ass "cheating" that every other homer fan bitches about. Ooh, videotaping signals! Fake cheering! Radio jamming!!! Gosh, how can an opponent play though that? Wake me up when an assistant coach breaks into an opponent's headquarters and steals a playbook, or an entire team gets poisoned by double-agent caterers. Or someone frames Ray Lewis for murder. Yeahhhhh… "frames."
At least that stuff might actually affect a game, or maybe even make me give a shit.
FACT-Y UPDATE — Colts cleared: "CBS has informed us that the unusual audio moment heard by fans during the Patriots-Colts game was the result of tape feedback in the CBS production truck and was isolated to the CBS broadcast," NFL vice president Greg Aiello tells us. "It was in no way related to any sound within the stadium and could not be heard in the stadium." Whatever, CBS is totally covering for them.
Why am I so excited about a regular season game? Is it because both the Colts and Patriots are undefeated and clearly the class of the NFL right now? Is it that I'm hoping for a game as thrilling as the '06 AFC Championship? Perhaps it's due to the fact that the team I root for has already lost twice to the Detroit Lions. Or it could be because of the "services rendered" wager I made with a comely dental hygienist who is a Colts fan. I'll let you decide, sexy readers, but the battle of unbeatens that will take place in Indianapolis today promises to be exciting. Or at least a reason to remain sedentary for 3+ hours on a Sunday afternoon.
Thanks to drunken jedi Tom for creating the image to the right. I suppose NFL quarterbacks are somewhat similar to the knights of the Galactic Republic. And Belichick is like the Emperor – I bet Darth Sidious had illegal cameras all over the Senate. How many times did I play out the events of my imagined version of Episode VII as a boy with my Star Wars dolls action figures? As I got older , most of the stories focussed on Han and Leia's wedding night. Don't look at me that way! Besides, in my imagination, Carrie Fisher has not aged since 1983 and is forever wearing her Mark Mangino Jabba sex-slave costume. -KD
So, this video from broad-shouldered lothario Bryan features Colts tight end Dallas Clark "singing" along to Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" (where have I seen that before?)… in sign language. It is everything you'd expect from that description: goofy, oddly disarming, and kind of funny. Oh, and also pretty boring after the first minute or so.
Anyway, if you know why Dallas Clark knows sign language, lemme hear it. I researched it for a while and came up with nothing. And by "researched" I mean I skimmed Clark's Wikipedia page, Googled "dallas clark deaf," then ate a sandwich. Hey, this turkey is really fucking good. That deli on Third must be way better than the one I've been going to.
