David Wells, the aging, overweight diabetic who last year was stricken with gout, returned to the mound last night as a Dodger, spinning five innings of work to get the victory in a 6-2 win over the Mets.  The highlight of the night may very well have been the 44-year-old's bunt single in the fifth inning (thanks to commenters TEXAS and Camp Tiger Claw, who noted that he also probably knows more about bundt cakes and gunts than bunts).  Wells described his performance and state of well being after the game as such:

"I might not look sexy, but I feel sexy."

If I've learned anything from Oprah, it's that "sexy" has nothing to do with your appearance and everything to do with your confidence and self-esteem.  Which is probably why she has a show that appeals to fatass Midwestern housewives, because nobody sitting on their couch watching TV wants to be told that they're ugly as hell.  But I'm here to break it to you: if you like watching Oprah, you're not only fat, but also a complete simpleton.  How you've survived this long is a mystery.

[FanHaus]

Few people know that old fat drunkard David Wells is actually still a pitcher in the major leagues. Wells, who went on the DL last year with a case of gout ("the disease of kings"), has now been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, and must now give up his one true love, drinking. I know, I know: weird, right? Who would expect a chronically overweight drunkard to develop diabtetes?

“This is a major lifestyle change. I don't want this going to Type 1 diabetes. I want to be around for a while. If you don't take care of this, it can lead to some scary stuff… like losing limbs. If anyone has this, it's a red flag, period…

Losing limbs wouldn't be so bad for Wells. He could get that hollow leg he's always wanted. 

"I'm dying right now… I need some food in me. I'm eating like a rabbit… salads, fish, chicken.”

Wait, rabbits are eating fish and chicken now? Has Wells been hanging out at the cave at Caerbannon? Because I'm really not ready to live in a world where rabbits are predators. Those visions are reserved for my nightmares, co-starring Dick Vitale, the 18th Amendment, and clowns riding horses.

The Padres scratched David Wells from his scheduled start Monday night because the old, fat pitcher has gout. Yeah, gout. When I read this I was all, "Who the fuck gets gout?" so I went to good ol' Wikipedia, which hit me some new ka-nowledge like this: 

Many still believe that gout is caused by a combination of dietary factors and "laziness". In particular, many believe that gout develops following several years of excessive alcohol consumption…

 and 

Gout was traditionally viewed as a disease of the decadent and indolent, because the foods which contribute to its development were only available in quantity to the wealthy. The stereotypical victim was a lazy, obese middle-aged man who habitually overindulged in rich foods and alcohol, with port consumption often cited as a specific cause. This stereotype is especially evident when Gout is referred to as "The Disease of Kings".

Port consumption? Has he eaten the port of San Diego? I wouldn't be surprised. You see, it's funny because David Wells is a lazy fat drunk. And kind of a dick.