As I mentioned earlier in my Peabody Award nominee post about Princess the Prognostic Camel, I’m not much of a gambler. That doesn’t stop people from asking me for advice, though, because when you tell people that you’re a sports blogger, you should probably include that you’re a dick joke maker and not an expert, otherwise people will assume you know things.

But aside from bar squares and fantasy football, there is one specific type of gambling that I’m a sucker for – Super Bowl prop bets. And this year there are some awesomely stupid bets to be made, from Kelly Clarkson’s National Anthem prowess to Madonna’s Skeletor arms. Side note: Madonna, LMFAO and Cee Lo are set to perform updated variations of Madonna’s old hits. She’s like the George Lucas of music. Madonna might as well make Cee Lo dress like Jar Jar Binks.

Where was I? Yes, prop bets. They’re typically for the most degenerate gamblers, as people who feel the need to bet on every little thing – including the coin flip, the color of Gatorade dumped on the winning coach and how many yards Hakeem Nicks’ first catch will be – for the sake of getting their rush and/or making up for all the money they lost during the regular season. Today, though, I’m making prop bets into something for the average person.

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That’s not a guy in a spandex bodysuit, it’s a robot. I promise.

Sports

The Best and Worst of ACW Queen of Queens - I try to keep pro wrestling coverage on With Leather mainstream and infrequent, so in case you’re the type who wants to read more, head over to TH’s The Wrestling Blog and read my extremely, extremely truncated Best and Worst of this weekend’s awesome Anarchy San Antonio show. [The Wrestling Blog]

Hermes Franca’s Statement From Jail - Hopefully his statement is “I look like Hermes from Futurama in a wig”. Maybe he committed sexual assault with a limbo? Regardless, he reads like MMA’s Sammy Sosa, and that’s always fun. [Cage Potato]

John Calipari: College Basketball’s Frank Abagnale - “The people of Kentucky have embraced our family as one of their own and we love being here and there is no other place we’d rather be.” Kentucky embracing your family can only lead to horrible things, just so you know. [Pineriders]

Minor League Team Wears Twitter-Themed Jerseys - The IronPigs are the team that accidentally line-drived the Phillie Phanatic in his neck, so of COURSE they’re the team that mocks up and wears Twitter jerseys. I hope one of the players had to play an entire double-header with @HOTBOY69Z on his back. [SBN]

Not Sports

The Chick from Doctor Who Likes to Party - Man, who knew a drop dead gorgeous, famous actress would like to get plastered and f**k around without consequences? I hope we get a “Hipster Doctor Who Loves Looking Like Frisky Dingo” follow-up story. [Warming Glow]

Warner Still Planning Green Lantern Sequel - Of course they are. I’m the nerd who waited in line for a midnight showing of all three Spider-Man movies and even I’m sick of all these comic book things. Give me an Inhumans movie (preferably written by me) and maybe something about the Silver Surfer that doesn’t involve Jessica Alba, then stop making them forever. [Film Drunk]

8-Bit Fashion - I think Ufford said it best when he wrote “Want to look stupid?” after this link. I would add “Want to get stomped by an Italian day-laborer? Wear these clothes, hold a turtle, and walk around in the sewers”. [Gamma Squad]

The Best Celebrity Twitter Reactions to New York’s Gay Marriage Bill - New York Giants receiver David Tyree was forced to give back his Super Bowl victory and the East Coast of the United States has plunged into a Hellish anarchy, but check out what celebrities on Twitter thought about human beings being treated like humans in real life. [Uproxx]

While the NFL owners and players may or may not be nearing a deal that could give the players a 48% cut of total revenue, it’s good to know that some football fans still have the opportunity to spend their money wisely. For instance, did you know that you can purchase your very own bronze statue of former Florida Gators and current Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow?

Roll back the foreskin and check out this awesome deal – for just $12,000 you can purchase a 15-inch high bronze statue (the mold seen above) of Tebow in his glory days at Florida or as a promising young stallion with the Denver Broncos. The statue is the work of artist Franco Castelluccio, who hails from Winter Springs, Florida, which may be the most beautiful city on the face of this Earth. Hold on, I’m receiving a message on my ham radio… no, Winter Springs is not beautiful.

Regardless, Castelluccio’s latest work allows you the chance to pay $800 per inch to forever enjoy Tebow’s storied career. Worried about raising that kind of coin? Don’t. If that $12K price tag is too rich for your blood, he also offers a non-bronzed version. But come on, cheapskate, live a little. It’s Tebow. One look at this statue and your child will circumcise himself.

And even if Tebow’s not your preferred lawn ornament, Castelluccio has other sports options available.

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Former New York Giants receiver David Tyree once helped win a Super Bowl by pressing a football into his head as he fell down. In a first paragraph that will hopefully get me a job writing for CNN (or at least the Sporting News), Tyree is now holding something else to his head: the promise that gay marriage will lead to a state of lawlessness. Okay, that sounded catchier in my head. If the New York State Assembly approves a same-sex marriage bill, Tyree is promising anarchy.

In an interview with Food Network show “NOM”, Tyree “casts down his crown” and “stands up for marriage” because that whole giant part of the Bible where it says you should love people and stop judging people isn’t as important as saying stupid things on the Internet.

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Wide receiver David Tyree hasn’t made a catch since his historic grab in Super Bowl XLII more than two years ago, but that’s not a bad swan song at all. After appearing in just 10 games last season (and zero games the year before) Tyree signed a one-day contract with the New York Giants and announced his retirement.

Tyree, a sixth-round draft pick in 2003, was drafted as a special teamer and had just 54 catches for his career. But he will always be known for Super Bowl XLII, when he caught a five-yard pass for the Giants’ first touchdown against unbeaten New England, then made a leaping third-down 32-yard catch late, pinning the ball against his helmet as he went to the ground. –FanHaus.

I’m sure that Tyree would rather have played for 15 years and had a proficient, Irving Fryar-type career, but damn, that catch is immortal. Other than James Harrison’s 100-yard fumble recoveryinterception the following year, I can’t think of a bigger play ever made in the Super Bowl, and even that one is debatable. But that works for me; I’ve always been known as a master debator. Especially when my wife is out of town…

Obviously, I watch smart television shows like "The View" every day (that Elisabeth Hasselbeck — so smart!), so I was stoked when the Best Week Ever blog caught this snippet of Whoopi thinking Amani Toomer was David Tyree. 

Oh, because they're both black?  I guess they all look the same to you, huh Whoopi?  Jumpin' Jack Flash?  More like Jumpin' Jack ASS!!!  BURN!