That's actually how I picture Dax Sheppard any time I hear his name.

The Teen Choice Awards took place last night in the fourth level of hell Los Angeles, and once again the big winners were the PR and marketing teams of Hollywood film and TV studios that busted their asses the hardest to make sure that people teenagers have never heard of inexplicably won awards. For instance, Zoe Saldana won Choice Movie Actress: Action for Colombiana, a film that .000000001% of teenagers actually saw. However, she won because she showed up, unlike Jennifer Lawrence, who would have won, because every teenage girl on Earth would have voted for her for The Hunger Games.

But that’s a different story for a different site. Instead, let’s pay tribute to those trendy teens and their sports heroes, as they once again voted to select the most relevant athletes of the day. The 2012 Teen Choice Award for Choice Male Athlete is David Beckham, while Choice Female Athlete is Serena Williams. Well, I am absolutely OUTRAG… actually, that’s not terrible. Beckham just re-upped with the reigning MLS Champions (I’d still have expected LeBron James to win), while Williams won both the singles and doubles titles at Wimbledon. So if teens indeed voted for them, I’m relieved. Of course, neither Beckham nor Williams showed up and Shaun White was the only actual athlete in attendance, but I guess it’s progress.

Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for the future of this planet and our youth as a whole. Join me for a mini-rant after the jump, will you?

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I don’t know about you hard-working folks, but when I hear that Forbes has released its list of the 100 Highest Paid Athletes, it might as well be Christmas morning to me. After all, nothing makes me happier than the success of a person who was given a gift by the gods. Well, that’s not entirely true. What makes me incredibly happy is when that person is also a total dick. Because if you’re talented and wealthy, what’s the point in caring what people think about you?

And hoo boy, this year’s Top 10 is chocked with some athletes that really don’t give a sh*t what people think about them. That’s not to say that these are all necessarily terrible human beings, but they’re definitely not universally beloved. For starters, did you know that the highest paid athlete of the past year currently lives in a prison cell?

Haha, life is fair!

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It’s always fun to watch a sports franchise end decades of irrelevance with a slightly improbable title run, so for no reason other than they’d never won one, it was nice to see the Los Angeles Kings win the Stanley Cup. The problem, though, with any L.A. team winning a title is that, oh sweet merciless lord, the celebrity bandwagon tips over within minutes. Hell, I’m surprised Kourtney Kardashian’s new kid didn’t pop out wearing a Jonathan Quick jersey.

But then there are the celebrities who actually have a vested interest in the Kings’ success, like our beloved Chosen Daughter, Paulina Gretzky. Sure, even if her pops hadn’t ever played for the Kings, I wouldn’t give a crap if she was posting pictures of her snorting coke out of Lord Stanley’s bowl, because I give special people free passes. Either way, Paulina got to party with the Cup this week with a bunch of dude bros, who could be players but I don’t care.

The Stanley Cup has never looked better.

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Forbes magazine today released their annual The World’s Most Powerful Celebrities, a top 100 list that ranks stars based on press coverage, social media buzz and whose agents paid Forbes the most money to put them on a list. At the top of this year’s 100: Jennifer Lopez, who was settling nicely into obscurity as that lady on Eric Cartman’s hand in an old episode of ‘South Park’ before ‘American Idol’ rocketed her back to prominence. Former American Idol winner Taylor Hicks also made the list, coming in at number 4,544,022 between Burnsy and the golden voiced homeless guy.

Tiger Woods managed to hang on as this year’s highest ranking sports celebrity, coming it at number 12. The only other sports guy in the top 25 was LeBron James at number 15, despite Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal coming it at numbers 2 and 3 in “Press Rank” behind Lady Gaga. I don’t know how much of this list is based on math and how much of it is based on people at Forbes trying to name 100 celebrities, so bear with me.

Here’s a full list of the sports personalities who ranked this year:

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For international super duper soccer star, model and Burger King spokesman David Beckham, his most recent Los Angeles Galaxy game may have been the most important of his life. Beckham is desperately trying to convince Team Great Britain that he still has some gas left in the tank for one last hoorah for his home country’s hosting duties at the 2012 Summer Olympics. And nobody on the planet knows his fate except one man.

Team GB’s manager Stuart Pearce attended the Galaxy’s match against the New York Red Bulls this past Saturday, and Beckham’s effort was pretty much a colossal dud as the Galaxy lost 1-0. However, it probably says something that Pearce was sitting with Beckham’s agent, mom, sister, wife and children. It also doesn’t hurt that Galaxy coach Bruce Arena is all, “Put him on the team, bros.” Regardless, Pearce will reportedly make his decision for the 23-man roster tomorrow.

In related news, Beckham is also heavily featured in the latest Adidas ad campaign. You know who else is in the ad campaign? Katy Perry. You want to know what Katy Perry looks like in an Adidas sports bra? Of course you do.

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"Oi, and then I pay dat pasty bird tree quid to snog us boff."

There’s been a running theme on gossip and sports blogs for a few years that when L.A. Galaxy star David Beckham attends L.A. Lakers games, he gets a little case of the wandering eye. Basically, he’s often caught checking out Lakers Girls from his courtside seats. But in fairness to the newest Burger King spokesman:

1) The pictures are almost always taken out of context, because cameras likely catch him as he’s looking around in between plays. I mean, unless you show me a picture of him holding a sign that reads: “Check out the milk bags on that one!” I’m inclined to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. (Counterpoint: He’s a billionaire with a working penis.)

B) Have you seen Lakers Girls? HOT and DAMN.

Regardless, David reminded everyone last night why he doesn’t even need to look at other assorted ass, as he was joined at courtside by his wife, Scary Sporty Baby Ginger Posh Victoria, for Game 2 of the Lakers/Nuggets series. The Lakers squeaked out a 104-100 win over Denver, but the real winners were the fans at the Staples Center who got to watch the Beckhams on the Kiss Cam and think, “Aw, they have everything.”

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