With the NBA trade deadline just 7 days away, all of the media’s focus is on the big market teams and their needs, which begs the question – which chump teams are gonna get fleeced? The quick answer: probably none. The Orlando Magic currently have the 5th best record in the entire league, which absolutely baffles me after watching them stand still and take it hard against the 4-win Charlotte Bobcats the other night, but then that’s how the wonderful world of sports works. So they’re most likely not trading Dwight Howard, and every other team is stuck waiting to see what happens with that to make their own moves. Classic log jam, folks.

Common sense says that Orlando won’t get a Denver Nuggets-type haul at the deadline, so that means the Magic instead want to move some of their crap for another team’s lesser crap. Meanwhile, Kobe Bryant and the Los Angeles Lakers sure could use some help, as could pretty much any team that isn’t the Chicago Bulls, Oklahoma City Thunder, San Antonio Spurs or Miami Heat. Face it, your team is pretty much screwed.

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I was hoping that by this point in the week I’d have some fun little anecdotes to share about how Orlando is shaping up for All-Star Weekend, but short of about 60 more homeless people than usual and some banners, I haven’t noticed much yet. In fact, I’m mega bummed, you guys. My buddy got me on the guest list for Diddy’s All-Star party this weekend and I was super pumped to go and take really awkward pictures next to all of the celebrities in attendance (“Hey is that Joey Fatone with Skeet Ulrich???”) but word on Church Street is that the party was cancelled thanks to some screw up by a promoter. Bummers, y’all.

But I’m still gonna do my best to put together a fun recap for next Monday, because I’m perpetually bound to run into ridiculous stuff on a weekend like this. I may still attend the Rising Stars Challenge and Dunk Contest, but the real fun is going to be at the bars, so I will stick to what I do best. My prediction? I end up bare-knuckle boxing Aaron Carter behind a Steak-N-Shake dumpster. Fingers crossed!

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"First the Cartoon Network Awards, then a Nobel Prize!"

Last summer, while both the NFL and NBA were locked out, I questioned why more athletes weren’t attending the Teen Choice Awards to try and gain a little favor from the public. Seriously, the athlete attendance was limited to Shaun White and 3 puppies from Air Bud’s litter, while half the NBA sat at home picking fights on Twitter. Well it turns out that the answer was pretty simple – make the whole thing about athletes and they’ll attend.

This was proven Saturday night when the Cartoon Network honored our favorite athletes at the second annual Hall of Game Awards, which is not to be confused with Spike’s F*CKIN’ ATHLETES, BRO! SLUTS! Awards, which are held on Vin Diesel’s birthday each year. Shaquille O’Neal played host for the Hall of Game Awards, and he was joined by dozens of child actors that I’ve never heard of. But plenty of athletes showed up to have their egos stroked.

You can wait and watch the whole show tonight (especially if you’re a fan of Flo Rida and who isn’t?) but I’ve got some photos after the jump. Shockingly, they did not name Jeremy Lin their new overlord.

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While it wasn’t as good as the Doritos commercial with the dog killing cats and bribing his owner, the H&M underwear commercial (after the jump, ladies) starring David Beckham caused quite the stir for its bulginess and rippling abs… or so I was told, because I was totally checking my phone or peeing or outside grilling steaks, bro. But it also caused at least one of Beckham’s rivals to lash out at him via the manliest way possible – Twitter.

According to the memo that my With Leather British news agency carrier pigeon just died on top of, Joey Barton, who plays for Queens Park Rangers, sounded off about his displeasure with Beckham during the Super Bowl on Sunday night. Specifically, Barton gave Becks a jolly ol’ buggering over his tendency to endorse just about anything, as you can see above. But then he took the price of Becks’ knickers to task.

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More than 1,000 readers of Heat magazine – which I’ve never heard of but assume is an anti-air conditioning publication – have decided that People magazine is full of doodies, for lack of a more mature term. Three months ago, People declared that actor Bradley Cooper was the Sexiest Man Alive, which infuriated a legion of fans devoted to actor Ryan Gosling and his attractiveness. Thankfully, someone is pointing out that it’s all a load of mung.

For starters, I’m tired of bloggers being excluded from these lists. We’re sexy people, too, dammit. But more importantly, it’s time that athletes started getting some attention over these namby-pamby actors, and the readers of Heat agree. They’ve declared that David Beckham is the sexiest man in the world, and everyone else is just his trash.

The rest of the Top 25 looks a little something like this…

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By all accounts, 2011 was a fantastic year for David Beckham. Granted, it doesn’t take much for Beckham to have a great year, other than just waking up and collecting whatever random amount of money is being thrown at him and his wife, Ginger Scary Sporty Baby Posh Victoria, that day. But last year he was fortunate enough to get the albatross off his back in helping the L.A. Galaxy win the MLS Cup, and unless I missed someone throwing a pot of boiling water at his face, he’s still David-f*cking-Beckham.

Momentum already seems to be carrying over into 2012 for Becks as well, because word is he’s already being heavily considered to be the captain of Great Britain’s soccer team at the Olympics in London, and he’s returning to the Galaxy for two more seasons, as some people assume he’ll eventually make a push to buy the team. But before any of that happens, he has one tiny little thing that he wants to take care of – he really wants to sue In Touch Weekly and prostitute Irma Nici for claiming that he slept with her 5 times to the tune of $10,000 a pop in 2007.

The problem is a judge already said he can’t.

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