Get your “I thought he already announced his retirement, when he decided to play MLS” jokes ready. David Beckham has retired.

The 38-year-old Beckham, who recently won a league title in a fourth country with Paris Saint-Germain, said Thursday he will retire at the end of the season.

“I’m thankful to PSG for giving me the opportunity to continue but I feel now is the right time to finish my career, playing at the highest level,” the former England captain said in a statement.

“If you had told me as a young boy I would have played for and won trophies with my boyhood club Manchester United, proudly captained and played for my country over one hundred times and lined up for some of the biggest clubs in the world, I would have told you it was a fantasy,” Beckham said. “I’m fortunate to have realized those dreams.” (via Sports Illustrated)

David Beckham has given us YEARS of fun at With Leather, whether he’s trying to sue tabloids for saying he railed prostitutes, making people uncomfortable with his underpants Super Bowl ads, forcing people to accept his children as fashion models or wandering around Los Angeles bulge-first. Becks, we thank you for that. We also wish you the best in your future endeavors, which we can only assume are “being poor” and “not being a famous celebrity.”

With more on David Beckham’s retirement, here’s TMZ. Wait, sorry, here’s actually David Beckham.

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Happy October 19th! Season 4 of NBC’s woefully-undersupported-by-anyone-without-a-Tumblr ‘Community’ begins tonight!

To celebrate, this week’s Sports On TV column looks back at the 20 greatest sports moments from the show’s first three seasons. It’s a confusing mass of spaceships and ‘Glee’ slams and paintball epics, and it’s absolutely worth revisiting and celebrating.

Here’s the best way to enjoy tonight’s premiere: read this column. Click the like button. Share it on Reddit or Facebook or Tumblr (especially Tumblr). Drop a comment in the comments section about your favorite episodes, moments, quotes and character pairings. Come up with a fun name for them (suggestion: StarPelt). Flip through the 20 greatest sports moments dozens of times over the next few hours. Then, totally forget that ‘Community’ actually comes on television and decide to watch it on Hulu tomorrow morning. Because guess what? That’s the only way ‘Community’ has ever worked.

Please enjoy ‘Community’s’ 20 Greatest, Streets Ahead Sports Moments.

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It's already more interesting than Revolver.

Hey David Beckham, can we chat?

Look, I think it’s awesome what you have accomplished in your career. Hell, when I remind myself that you’re only 37 years old, it leads me into a downward spiral of shame and self pity that can last at least 6 weeks at a time. You’re a mega-millionaire soccer champion and model, and you’ve already led a bachelor life that most mere mortal men can only dream about.

And when you had enough of that, you went ahead and settled down with the one Spice Girl that actually amounted to something more than just being a deposit in the spank bank of 100 million American high school boys in the 90s. You’ve fathered two sons who are already more famous than most of the guys you’ve played soccer against, and your oldest boy, Romeo, is already following in your model footsteps with his Burberry ads.

People even once tried to pawn you off as a one country wonder, as your critics said that you could never break into America’s pop culture. Of course you proved everyone wrong, because if this country is stupid enough to accept Cher Lloyd as a star, then we’ll take anyone. Especially a world class athlete, his ridiculous fortune and smoking hot wife.

You have all of that, David, and your whole life is ahead of you. So please, from one bro to another, and for the love of God, stop flashing your bulge all over Los Angeles.

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"Raise your hands if you'll never have to work a day in your life!"

If you’re unfamiliar with David and Posh Spice Victoria Beckham’s sons, Romeo and Cruz, they’re basically two of the luckiest kids on the planet, because their father is David Beckham, one of the most iconic soccer players of his generation, and Victoria Beckham, who somehow managed to escape a life as Posh Spice of the 1990s assault on music known as the Spice Girls. Seriously, she should be performing concerts for easy listening radio stations at local fairs right now. Instead, she’s a world famous fashion designer and model, and coupled with her husband’s fame and hundreds of millions of dollars, her kids will never have to work a second in their lives.

That is, if you don’t count careers in modeling, acting, professional sports or music as “work”, and you shouldn’t, because for kids like Romeo and Cruz, those are actually just hobbies. Basically, they’re like Will Smith’s wiener kids, but they haven’t tortured us with albums or ruining any classic 80s movies yet. But give them time. They will eventually.

As for now, Romeo Beckham is taking his first step to fame as the new youthful face of Burberry’s kids’ line, which I assume is nothing but $6,000 jackets and scarves. Via GQ, Romeo’s first print ad has been released, as well as a video breaking down his first shoot as a person who gets paid to wear clothes.

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What David Beckham lacks in soccer playing abilities these days, he more than makes up for in being good-looking, having a ton of money, cultivating a well-rounded family (by all accounts) with his smoking hot wife, and being very, very good-looking. Seriously, there was a point in the 2012 Summer Olympics when Beckham was cheering on England’s Tom Daley and I thought it was going to take a million Kate Uptons to bring me back. But I’ve said too much.

Last year, Beckham introduced his partnership with H+M for its Bodywear underwear line with a series of underwear pictures – met by a few hateful jeers from the soccer community – and it was business as usual. The fact is, David Beckham likes being in his underwear. And now H+M is back with a new campaign and to celebrate that, the company has immortalized Beckham’s bulge in statue form.

You’ve heard of at least one undressed sculpture named “David,” but starting tomorrow, H&M will give Michaelangelo a run for his money with their giant David Beckham statues. (Via NBC New York)

*bowtie spins, helicopters penis*

The statues will be strategically placed in New York, Los Angeles, and San Francisco (now I know why Brandon is in California) and there’s an added cash prize bonus to anyone clamoring to get a picture of the statue.

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Highlight: Yoko Ono appearing out of nowhere and killing three Beatles at once with a machete attack.

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