Chances are that if you know who Jasmine Waltz is without having to Google her, then you’re either a fan of “celebrity” sex tapes or you’re way too involved with David Arquette’s private life. But I won’t blame you for the latter, because he is, after all, a former WCW Champion, so he deserves our respect. I assume, though, that you wouldn’t know Waltz from a Megan Fox impersonator at your cousin’s awesome bachelor party, so here’s a rundown of her résumé:

Quick backstory on Jasmine Waltz. She is an aspiring actress and has dated, hooked up with, or has been linked to David Arquette, Zac Efron, Chris Pine, Ryan Seacrest, Jesse McCartney, Doug Reinhardt and Vinny from “The Jersey Shore.” And those are just the easily Google-able guys, there are probably more secret hook-ups. But we don’t blame them, she’s hot. Like Megan Fox hot!

Apparently she has a type: FAMOUS. (Via Hollyscoop)

And as you can see from that banner pic, she does look a lot like Fox, so that’s probably why all of those young, horny celebrities have been tripping over themselves to spend a romantic evening with her. As I also mentioned, she has a sex tape out there thanks to a sweet $60,000 deal that she signed with Vivid back in 2011, and that means that she has zero vertical talent.

So what the hell am I bringing her up for today? According to Hollyscoop, swimming-legend-turned-poker-pro Michael Phelps is now dating Waltz after he broke up with his Las Vegas waitress and model girlfriend, Megan Rossee.

I have to be honest, if you had told me that a gold medalist swimmer was going to be losing a ton of money by playing professional poker while dating high maintenance, gold-digging models, I would have guessed Ryan Lochte 10 times out of 10. Is it possible that Lochte is actually smarter than Phelps? It sure seems that way. But Phelps is definitely having more fun in the meantime.

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Pre-show notes

- Thank you for bearing with the semi-lateness of this week’s reports. I managed to attend SummerSlam live, so the report gets that cool live review feature some of you enjoy. The bad part about that is that SummerSlam is half a country and two time zones away from me, so I spent the entirety of Monday on a variety of airplanes. This report’s pretty long, though, so enjoy that, and I’ll have a thorough Raw report ready for you on Wednesday.

- Your comments, likes, tweets, Touts and whatever are appreciated. This column sorta lives and dies by your participation in it, so anything you can do to pitch in and spread the word is appreciated. Shout out to my Reddit homeboys, who I’d talk to all the time if I wasn’t 200 years old and could figure out Reddit. Somebody Reddit for me.

- Follow us on Twitter @withleather, follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and like us on Facebook.

- If you read the report in its infancy earlier today, all the pages have been uploaded and the full thing is a thing. Enjoy!

So at long last, please enjoy The Best And Worst Of WWE SummerSlam 2012, sponsored by THQ. No, seriously.

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By defeating the New England Patriots 21-17 last night in Indianapolis, the New York Giants are the Super Bowl XLVI Champions. *holds for applause* Chances are you watched the game and know that it started off boring, then got really exciting, had some old lady flopping around and later ended with Giants quarterback Eli Manning leading what has become his trademark in a 4th quarter comeback. Manning earned his second Super Bowl MVP and he should headline an offseason of stories not limited to but including:

• Is Eli better than his brother Peyton Manning now? And many lazy people will say yes because he has two Super Bowl rings.
• Is the era of Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and the Patriots over? And the answer is no, because Tom Brady is still a badass.
• Has Gisele Bundchen’s god forsaken her? Probably.
• Where is Peyton going to play? Will he end up in Miami? Washington? With the New York Jets? The Toronto Argonauts? And the answer is Miami. It has to happen. I sacrificed way too many virgins to the gods this weekend.

And there will be other news and notes, but they’ll all irresponsibly gloss over the fact that on Saturday, Kate Upton, Chrissy Teigen, Erin Andrews and some other people who claim to be famous played in the sixth annual Celebrity Beach Bowl, and while nobody tried desperately to tear Upton’s shorts off like Tom Arnold did with Marisa Miller last year, she still managed to steal our hearts once again.

Also, Brooklyn Decker was at the GQ/Lacoste Super Bowl party with some guy who plays ping pong or something, so I included them so they don’t feel left out and cry. I’m a sweetheart.

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Things are not going well for the back-to-back NBA champion Los Angeles Lakers, as an embarrassing 104-85 loss to the Memphis Grizzlies last night has some people believing that the wheels are falling off in Smog City. The Lakers, still in first place in the Western Conference’s Pacific Division with an 8-game lead, have attracted naysayers in the wake of Phil Jackson and Kobe Bryant swapping blame after losing to the Griz. Phil says that Kobe wasn’t sharing while Kobe says that Phil doesn’t concentrate on each game. And Ron Artest said that the purple dove flies solo in the Eskimo sundance.

Regarding the 19-point home loss to the 15-19 Grizzlies, Jackson said…

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The Los Angeles Lakers certainly have no shortage of celebrity fans with the likes of Jack Nicholson, Leonardo DiCaprio and Denzel Washington, among many others, filling up their courtside seats. That’s why it’s so amazing that they all put up with “actor” David Arquette sitting courtside, too. Arquette has spent the past six months or so in the midst of a clingy battle with his pop culture relevance, and it all came to a head when the F-list star showed up to Ron Artest’s birthday party at the Conga Room in L.A. and put on a dancing show for the guests. For the first time ever, Artest was not the craziest person in his zip code.

But the fun didn’t start for Arquette at Artest’s party, as the obnoxious and newly single 39-year old first brought his new look and oh-so-hilarious routine to the Lakers game against the Phoenix Suns at the Staples Center. Arquette pranced around the courtside area for all the fans to see, and while I’m not one to put too much stock into superstition, the Lakers lost 121-116. It’s clearly Arquette’s fault.

Tell us about the cause of this bizarre behavior from such a typically lovable guy, Daily Mail:

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