Sports

Daunte Culpepper to Resurrect the 49ers? - It’s weird to grow up during a time when a team is winning championships and everyone loves them, then fast forward twenty years and see those same people cheering for whoever wins now. I knew about 50 49ers fans when I was in elementary school, and I don’t know a damn one now. [Smoking Section]

I’m Here To Help You Guys: The KSK Fantasy/Sex Mailbag - Seeing somebody with the handle “Footsteps Falco” makes me revisit how terrible an idea it was to call myself “Brandon” on this blog. I should’ve picked something crazy and/or from Super Smash Brothers. Also, my real name is Jeff. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

John Gotty’s Top 20 Sneakers of All Time - Sneakers count as sports. My list would just be “Vans shoes, but those aren’t really sneakers” and “the blue and black Shaq shoes that looked like crap and were made out of the same sh*t they use to make snow shovels”. Oh, and British Knights. [Smoking Section]

The Rock Tweets a Photo from the Set of GI Joe 2 - Also technically not sports, watch as a living action figure pretending to be an action figure shows everybody what he looks like as an action figure. The results? He kinda looks like Stone Cold Steve Austin. [Moviefone]

With Leather

The Best and Worst of WWE Raw 8/15 - The new trend in Best and Worst of Raw feedback is to say “be careful you don’t do [random writing thing], or you’ll end up terrible like [other person who writes]“. One guy told me I was too much like Bill Simmons. Man, if I could get that rich and oblivious writing jokes about wrestling I’d do it in a heartbeat. [With Leather]

Jason Hatcher Gets Stuck In An Elevator - Nothing really happens, but the idea of a pro football player being so upset about an elevator malfunction that he repeatedly tweets about how he’s shaking his head is hilarious. This is a quick read, so flip through it. [With Leather]

JIM THOME POSSESSES 600 TATERS - I ALMOST WROTE PROSSESSED INSTEAD OF POSSESSED BUT DIDN’T THINK OUR READERSHIP WOULD BE THAT FAMILIAR WITH CASTLED VANIA. (yes, there is a Dugout about this on the way) [With Leather]

It Must Suck to Be Sergio Garcia - In addition to being as happy as Bill Simmons, my career goal as a blogger is to do something notable enough to have four orange, boney MILFs follow me around in public. It might put me through a second puberty. [With Leather]

Not Sports

Stacey Carosi Got Fired (And Bonus Kelly Kapowski GIF Collection) - My girlfriend loves “Saved By The Bell” so much that she owns the entire run of the show on DVD (including the College Years) but refuses to watch the beach episodes. She hates them, and rightfully argues that Saved By The Bell is stupid if they aren’t in school. So what I’m saying is Stacy can get f**ked. [Warming Glow]

Help Name Kevin Smith’s Fans! - There are some unbelievably fantastic choices in the comments for this, including “The People Who Always Look Like They’re Going To Comic Con” and “Ordinary Clown Posse”. My submission is “people I was friends with ten years ago”. [Film Drunk]

U.S. Presidents Have Never Been More Awesome Than in the Art of Jason Heuser - These are great, though I feel the world has been a little too influenced by that picture of Bea Arthur choking out a velociraptor. Now everything’s gotta be bad-ass and irreverent. Does anybody paint Abraham Lincoln these days if they AREN’T planning on making him fight monsters? [Gamma Squad]

10 Formerly Fat Actors Who Need to Go Back to Being Fat - Sara Rue should be on this list. I don’t care how confident you are about Jenny Craig, you were way cuter when you were chubby, and my copy of Gypsy 83 confirms it. [Pajiba]

"I'm just a man, damn it!"

FACT: There’s not a thing to be learned by watching a preseason NFL game. However, and this is something that is often ignored by the casual fan – the media doesn’t give a crap. And neither do I, so I figured we could talk about this past weekend’s games to pass this slow, boring Monday along. As always, I would like to point out that I do not profess to be an expert, merely a conversationalist with a love for potty humour. So please, offer your retorts and counterpoints in the comments and I’ll throw some more Earl Gray on the stove.

1) Alex Smith looked like, well, Alex Smith

To be fair, the San Francisco 49ers have never really given Alex Smith much to work with. But this isn’t about being fair, as much as it’s about winning. So far, Smith still doesn’t look like he wants to be the franchise QB that the 49ers thought he could be when they drafted him 6 years ago.

New coach Jim Harbaugh still hasn’t named a starter for Week 1, but neither of his guys – Smith or rookie Colin Kaepernick – were impressive against the New Orleans Saints. Smith was 2/7 for 10 yards while Kaepernick was 9/19 for 117 yards and 2 INTs. So how bad is it for the 49ers? They’re kicking the tires on Daunte Culpepper. At first glance, it’s incredible desperation. But deeper down, it’s probably to mentor Kaepernick, who is very similar to Culpepper.

Either way, don’t count San Fran out of the Suck for Luck sweepstakes.

UPDATE: And it looks like Culpepper is officially back in the NFL. The 9ers intend for him to play 3rd string and mentor Kaepernick, but as a fellow UCF product, I’d like to see Pepp roll one more time.

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You know, with the lockout still going strong, we often worry too much about how players are staying in shape and ignore the guys who don’t have to worry about that. Haha no, I’m not talking about kickers. I mean players who are always injured or irrelevant, like Chad Pennington and Daunte Culpepper.

Pennington hosted his annual 1st and 10 Celebrity Bowl event in majestic Huntington, West Virginia over the weekend, and his fellow one-time Miami Dolphins quarterback Daunte Culpepper joined in the cause to “build stronger communities by funding programs and institutions that seek to improve quality of life throughout southern West Virginia and the Tri-State area as well as East Tennessee”, according to the 1st and 10 Club’s mission statement.

This year’s event not only attracted Culpepper but also former Marshall and current Pittsburgh Steelers right guard Doug Legursky, as well as those other guys in that picture up there. Pennington, who also played at Marshall, considered Culpepper a rival in college, as Daunte played at UCF and the two programs were considered by many* to be rivals. Now they’re the two bestest buds in the whole world.

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When Hollywood studios aren’t insulting us with films based on Candyland and Where’s Waldo?, they’re making terrible sports movies about dogs that can play football and Freddie Prinze Jr. throwing like Jim Abbott’s niece. And the latest sports-related movie idea receiving a green light is the Madden Curse. That’s right, EA is making a movie about a running joke based on coincidence. Why not?

So is this film going to be professional football’s Final Destination, as some magical force stalks elite players, ending their careers in their prime? No. Not at all. Instead, it will focus on a retired video game champion. Seriously.

Specific details concerning the plot remain sketchy, but EA VP Pat O’Brien reportedly said, “The story will follow a former ‘Madden’ video game champion who is forced out of retirement just as he finds himself on the corner of the game’s cover — and subject to the curse.” (Via Switched)

Hold on, the guy comes out of retirement because for some reason EA put him on the cover of Madden? The Madden Curse involves active players who have stellar, MVP-type seasons only to be injured the next season and never play at that elite level again. So why does the guy come out of retirement? Is he afraid that he’ll break his thumbs in a freak Call of Duty accident? Perhaps the main character could spend the entire film insisting that he’ll stay retired but then unretiring. And he can text a picture of his penis to Olivia Munn. Lord knows I’d like to.

A look back at the history of the Madden Curse after the jump…

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Denny Green couldn't resist

Former Pro Bowl quarterback and noted sex boat enthusiast Daunte Culpepper will play in the UFL next season. Culpepper will be a member of the Sacramento Mountain Lions, who are coached by Denny Green. Green also serves as the team’s general manager. Unfortunately for both, Randy Moss will not be around to make them look way better than they actually are.

Adam Schefter of ESPN reports that Culpepper is putting the finishing touches on a contract with the UFL’s Sacramento Mountain Lions, a deal that would make him the biggest name in the burgeoning league and would reunite Culpepper with Dennis Green, the Mountain Lions’ head coach and general manager. Green previously coached Culpepper with the Minnesota Vikings. –PFT

Denny Green is head coach and general manager? That’s a very questionable decision by Mountain Lions staff. Was Jim Fassel not avaible for an interview? He wasn’t? Oh, that’s just shameful. Denny Green also washes the uniforms and makes breakfast for the team every morning. He’s not much of a coach, but he makes a mean bowl of buttery grits.