Happy Independence Day, With Leatherites! While I’m sure we could all talk about how Real Madrid offered to make Rudy Fernandez the highest paid player in Spain for the next six season and how that should have the NBA owners crapping in their pants, or how Kobe Bryant wants to take a group of elite NBA players on tour in China (and probably never return), or we could even talk about how the NFL players were offered a 50-50 revenue split with no money off the top but they’re still not happy because they don’t want to pay into their own retirement funds, we won’t. At least not today.

Because today is about some dudes who signed a piece of paper to give us the right to enjoy a three-day weekend each July by getting totally sh*t-hammered and making asses out of ourselves in the name of the good, old U.S. of A. And our founding fathers also gave us the right to purchase Chinese fireworks – often illegally – and put our lives in jeopardy with them. So I took a few seconds to scour YouTube for some of the better fireworks fails and I realized that thousands of people out there have no clue what “fail” means. And even more people think that poorly staged fireworks nut shots should be on Tosh.0.

Regardless, I put together this little collection for your enjoyment, and I’m sure that I left out some good videos because daddy is feeling ouchies from 3rd of July boozery, so feel free to remind me and I’ll add them in. Otherwise, have a safe and happy one and try not to burn off your eyebrows. Unless you’re Pete Sampras.

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"Must... protect... my... cooler."

I don’t really have much information behind this video other than it’s a monster truck and it explodes, but for the sake of entertainment I’ll assume this took place in Kentucky every day for the last 20 years. As you’ll see in the video after the jump, the driver, Kirby, is going to show a crowd of car value depreciation enthusiasts what his specialized monster Lincoln Town Car* can do against a large pit of mud. Then he actually hits the mud and becomes instantly stuck and brilliance ensues.

Instead of accepting that he’s stuck and an embarrassment to his family of 16, Kirby is hellbent on moving forward, to the point that he almost kills himself. Instead, he comes just short of becoming a Darwin Awards finalist. Maybe next year, big fella!

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Parkour not being retarded or deadly enough, the people of the Czech Republic have resorted to taking injurious leaps between large dick-shapped rocks because… I don't know. Do I look like an ethnographer?

While it may seem suicidal, leaping across a gaping crevasse is actually an extreme sport that is gaining in popularity.

Called rock jumping, or simply jumping by the locals, this adrenaline-charged activity is taking place in the Adrspach-Teplice Rocks, a remote nature preserve in the northeast part of the Czech Republic.

Known for its roughly 11 square miles of phallic sandstone formations, the region has been a breeding ground for lifelong rock climbers, including Jaroslav Houser, 63, the purported conqueror of more than 1,000 sandstone spires.

Ah. A lifetime scaling dicks. A-Rod looks forward to beginning his post-marriage life in Eastern Europe.

And leaping across large gaping holes to get to giant dick stones? It's like the Gay Super Mario Bros. come to life.