It was funny because his wife was about to give birth while he was proposing to Kate Upton.

As has become the standard, news leaked on the Twitters yesterday that CNBC sports business reporter and host of Sports Biz: Game On, Darren Rovell, is heading back to the place where the smugness began, ESPN. The rumor made sense – Rovell’s sports celebrity stock is rapidly rising and plenty of people think that he’s a huge dick. Really, it’s a match made in heaven.

Once the rumor spread, Rovell eventually acknowledged on his Twitter account – the only Twitter account that matters, he’d have you believe – that he is indeed going back to the place where it all started for him,  in Bristol, CT.

Rovell’s a fun guy to talk about, because a lot of people really like him and a lot of people really, really loathe him. It’s easy to understand why he’s so popular, because he’s great at his job. Seriously, he offers up some really interesting information and statistics about the business side of sports. I can’t name anyone else that does what he does, or at least as well as he does.

That’s why it’s funny to watch his fans get pissy when people rip him – “He’s awesome at his job, he’s a cool guy, I’ve met him, he’s smart… I don’t get why people hate him so much.” It’s also actually quite easy to understand.

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From the cover of today's Florida Times Union.

A number of fake Twitter accounts were responsible for yesterday’s bevy of misinformation regarding which team Tim Tebow was actually being traded to, and while it really was quite humorous watching actual reporters deliver false news, it was ultimately frustrating. Either way, Tebow is 100% a New York Jet now, and the only thing we need to know moving forward is that the Jacksonville Jaguars are the big losers.

Disclaimer: I don’t actually believe that. But that’s the message that a good amount of media types have been conveying ad nauseum, as they shake their fists and stomp their feet at owner Shad Kahn and the Jags for not trading for Tebow. Of course, their reason wasn’t that he’d help the Jags win. No, they only care that he’d sell tickets, something that the Jags haven’t been very good at.

Despite that completely asinine reasoning, Kahn was forced to deliver a statement on why he didn’t acquire Tebow.

“Earlier this week I asked Gene Smith and his staff to explore the potential of acquiring Tim Tebow. I think we have a duty to consider all avenues of improving the Jaguars on and off the field, especially given the unique circumstances involving the player. I appreciate the high level of due diligence Gene and his staff dedicated to this matter, even as late as this evening, and I am very satisfied with the outcome. Our commitment to developing Blaine Gabbert was, and still is, central to our goal of returning the Jaguars to elite status in the NFL. We’re looking ahead with zero regrets.”

Blaine Gabbert is not a bad quarterback. He was drafted early in the first round for a reason, and that’s to help the Jags win. All the Jags have ever needed are wide receivers that can hold onto the ball. If they get a few of those, they could actually win games, and seeing as Florida rivals only New York in bandwagon sports fans, that would put asses in those empty, tarp-covered seats.

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This is the worst reboot of Lolita ever.

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Kate Upton Gloriously Rejects Darren Rovell’s Valentine’s Day Advances On National TV - If you’re sick of reading about Kate Upton on With Leather, now you can read about her everywhere ELSE on UPROXX! Backlash! Now we’re all Ariel Meredith fans! [UPROXX]

This Man Has Tattoos of Every Major League Baseball Mascot - This Man Is Awesome. [Brobible]

Owen Wilson Balls So Hard In ‘Niggas In Midnight In Paris’ - Someone should rap behind clips of every Woody Allen movie. Do you think Big Bear has seen Stardust Memories? [UPROXX]

Important Dating Advice From The Ladies of ‘Jersey Shore’ - “Ladies, expect your man to not be a normal human being! He should be a weird color and have crazy rage issues. You’ll live happily ever after!” [Warming Glow]

Music’s 5 Newest Illuminati Inductees - Can we induct Chris Brown into the “getting shot out of a cannon into the sun”-inati? [Smoking Section]

The Superhero Movie Guilt Calculator — How Badly Did the Comics Industry Screw the Creators Behind 2012′s Superhero Blockbusters? - Not as badly as they screwed the creators of Daredevil by making that Daredevil movie where he throws dudes in front of subway trains. [Gamma Squad]

The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 2/13/12 Embraces Hate, Melodrama, Wheelchair Violence - Seriously, whether you like wrestling or not, read pages 6 and 7 of this report. Funniest Raw in history. [With Leather]

The Dark Knight Rises Stole Our Food Truck Idea! - If they’re calling Batman’s plane “The Bat”, they should change the name of the Batmobile to “The Man”. [Film Drunk]

30 Surreal Photos Of A Chinese Sex Toy Factory - This is best read pretending some Chinese equivalent of Veruca Salt is up in the foreman’s office yelling I WANT A DIL-DOE ROIT NOW! [Buzzfeed]

What’s Your Sloth Name? - Brandon? I guess? I don’t know. [HuffPost Comedy]

Greg Brady, Danny Partridge, Sherilyn Fenn, Johnny Fever, Alice Cooper, and Bigfoot. Together Finally - I was hoping this was gonna be a reboot of The Stand. Oh well, close enough. [FARK]

Guess How Much Chris Pine Made For ‘This Means War’ - I can’t imagine there’s a single person in the world that says, “oh, Chris Pine is in that movie? I’ll have to go see it!” Five million dollars? You could’ve gotten JGL for like 1/5th of that. [Moviefone]

10 Things You Didn’t Know About Whitney Houston - Thing 11: She has nothing, nothing, nothing. If she don’t have you. [Popcrush]

Ugh, look away! They're heinous!

Back when I was the editor of my student newspaper in college, I drew the ire and attention of the local chapter of the National Organization of Women after I wrote a harmless entertainment editorial about how the James Bond franchise should be celebrated for creating empowering characters in the Bond girls. Of course, the male president of this NOW chapter (*rolls eyes*) argued that Bond girls were objectified sluts, but it taught me an important lesson that if you take a stance regarding women and their looks, you’re going to piss people off.

And the point of this edition of “Cool Story, Bro” is that nobody ever taught CNBC reporter Darren Rovell that lesson, because on Saturday night, the self-proclaimed “Twitter police” had the balls to Tweet the following from the Playboy Super Bowl party:

Obviously, if you’re familiar with Rovell’s work, he likes to play with numbers, throw around statistics about money and impose his will on anyone who listens. He needs us all to know that he’s in charge and we’re just the pooper scoopers of his Twitter elephant. There isn’t really a big problem with that Tweet, as there just weren’t enough ladies for his liking, so he vented a little. Then he vented a lot.

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By all accounts, the Denver Broncos’ victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers yesterday was a lot of things for NFL fans – entertaining, agonizing, frustrating and exciting to name a few – but for sports writers across the country, it was a second Christmas. Tebow earned his first NFL playoff victory by decimating an injury-riddled Steelers defense, posting the second best passer rating of his young career (125.6) and setting a NFL playoff record by averaging 31.6 yards per completion. And it’s that number, 31.6, or rather the 316 yards that he passed for, that has allowed the media’s loudest voices to shout down their biblical comparisons from the Internet heavens.

316, of course, reminds us of John 3:16, the Bible passage that reads: “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.” But instead of talking about how Demaryius Thomas humiliated Ike Taylor on the 80-yard touchdown that both opened and closed overtime, or how underrated and increasingly dangerous the Broncos defense is, we’re talking about Tebow’s religion. Again.

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