Here’s a picture of me making the world’s teenagers and emo bands jealous. I spent the last six days in southern California doing what one does there (eating sprouts, finding Vince McMahon’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame) so if today’s posts are just big pictures of LeBron James with “uhhhhhhhhhh” under them, I apologize. Before I try to wedge myself back into the creative process, I just wanted to formally say what an amazing dude Burnsy is for holding down the ship while I was gone and making me look like a complete chump.

Oh, and also, a huge thank you goes out to Andrew Johnson and Dr. Diego McCafferty for their outstanding work filling in on The Best And Worst Of WWE Night Of Champions and The Guest And Worst Of Raw 9/19. I couldn’t have left the column in better hands, and am really happy I was swimming in the Pacific Ocean instead of writing 10,000 paragraphs about that sh*t they pulled with Alberto Del Rio. If you haven’t read these yet, give them a look and leave these guys some love.

Otra Links

The Plot of ‘Two and a Half Men’ Recapped by Bored TV Critics - “Person says four or five sarcastic words, makes a face, studio audience laughs. Repeat.” I didn’t even know Two and a Half Men had a plot. At least King of Queens goes places and tries to get away with things. [Warming Glow]

Nintendo Cartridges Get Recycled: 5 Awesome Products Made From Old Games - I was hoping “40 dollar version of Excitebike for new portable system that is still just 30 seconds of game” was on the list. Nintendo cartridges are awesome and make great wedding invitations. [Gamma Squad]

Ryan Gosling Says He’ll Eventually Quit Acting To Focus On Babies - That Brad Pitt “grow a huge beard and carry people/things for Angelina Jolie” model is catching on, isn’t it? [Film Drunk]

7 Shows That Peaked in Season One - Does “The Joe Schmo Show” count? Because it had a second season, and Ingrid’s boobs were the only good part of it. [Unreality]

Darrelle Revis x Jesse Boykins III For Nike Sportswear “Always On” - My dream job is to be the guy who comes up with inspirational buzz-phrases for Nike ads like “Just Do It” or “Always On”. I come up with them all the time. My favorite so far is “Doing Sports”. Second favorite, “Dunking Constantly”. [Smoking Section]

Conan O’Brien Loves Boobs Too - I hear George Lopez hates boobs. [UPROXX]

Nancy Grace’s Cleavage Cannot Be Unseen - You know what? Real talk, I would have so much sex with Nancy Grace. It’d be like those puberty fantasies about hooking up with your mean teacher happening for real. She’d probably drink alcohol out of a Sprite can like my actual 8th grade English teacher, too. [Warming Glow]

Futurama Takes Twelve Years to Tell a Joke? - The best show. [Gamma Squad]

20 Additional Albums From 1991 Cameron Crowe Should Turn Into a Documentary - You have no idea how much money I’d pay for a “Joyride” by Roxette documentary. That song features my favorite lyric ever: “C’mon, join the joyride. Be a joy ride Er.” [Moviefone]

Six Rotten Tomatoes Movie Ratings that Contradict Popular Opinion - The Country Bears has a 30% on Rotten Tomatoes, which I’ve just realized and is total horsesh*t. Somebody get that added to this list. [The Smoking Jacket]

Actors We Love in Sitcoms That Suck - This begins and ends with Reginald VelJohnson. Wait, doesn’t it? [Pajiba]

According to today’s New York Post, New York Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis is less than pleased with a proposed $100 million contract extension that the team has reportedly presented to him. Revis allegedly claims the six-year extension to his current contract is insulting because it lacks any guarantees. And also because the Jets’ lawyers drew little middle fingers over the I in his name.

The news of this proposed contract extension has further angered Revis because he believes the Jets have leaked both this news and previous news that he was asking for $20 million per year in order to make Fireman Ed and Jets Nation think that he’s being greedy. Revis, in fact, is only asking for $16.2 million and to be the highest paid corner in the NFL. And if the Jets don’t want to pony up, then there’s a decent chance that 31 other teams will have the opportunity to do so.

Buy back the remaining years on my hairline, Pro Football Talk:

Here’s how it works. Revis signed in 2007 a six-year deal that, upon the achievement of certain modest triggers (which he has satisfied), can be reduced at his option to four years. Then, the Jets can buy back years five and six at $5 million guaranteed in 2011 and $15 million guaranteed in 2012.

Here’s the problem. When the contract initially was approved in 2007, the 30-percent rule that limits the giving of raises in uncapped years to players under contract didn’t apply, because a salary cap was in place. The thinking is that, when the Jets try to buy back the last two years of the deal, the NFL will block the maneuver as a violation of the 30-percent rule.

There are a lot of ifs, ands, and buts involved in this theory – mainly the thought that the Jets will let this go much further with three other star players asking for extensions as well – but the main point is that Al Davis isn’t getting any younger. So if the Jets wouldn’t mind, Davis would like to get this check made out for $200 million dollars for 5 years of Revis’ service before the New Year.

Rex Ryan recently reached out to Revis after the DB skipped practice because he was feeling lightheaded, even though it later turned out that he skipped out over the contract issue. Despite the lie, Rex reassured reporters that Revis is a leader and hard-worker, and then he unhinged his jaw and swallowed Erik Ainge whole.

Al Davis doesn’t get enough credit for the impact he has on the NFL. Season after season, the batsh*t Oakland Raiders owner makes it harder for teams to resign their top talents because he inks deals like Tommy Kelly’s seven-year, $50.5 million thunder turd. Such is the current woe of the New York Jets with their star DB Darrelle Revis, who, despite showing up for OTAs, is threatening a holdout if he is not made the highest paid corner in the NFL. That honor currently belongs to Oakland’s Nnamdi Asomugha, who made history with a three-year deal worth $45.3 million in 2009.

The Jets have already presented Revis with two offers and he has declined both, citing his 2009 performance as a straight-forward reason that he deserves top dollar. Revis had his best season as a pro in 2009, recording six interceptions and 54 tackles, and was the second most important DB in the Jets’ march to the AFC Championship game. Most important was, of course, Antonio Cromartie.

Cross your arms and stomp your feet, NY Daily News:

“If things are not the right way, I need to sit back and view my career and see where I need to go from here and move on,” Revis said at practice Thursday in his first comments since skipping one voluntary session last week.

Revis, who is entering the fourth year of his six-year rookie deal, will make $1 million in 2010. He could have the $20 million guarantee in 2011 and 2012 voided if he skips training camp.

Experts predict that extending Revis’ contract will take an offer along the lines of 6 or 7 years and $90 million, which poses a salary cap issue for the Jets looking beyond the capless 2011 season. The Jets also have to worry about extensions for D’Brickashaw Ferguson, David Harris, Nick Mangold, Braylon Edwards, Santonio Holmes and Cromartie, although Mangold is already unhappily expecting to be franchise tagged next season. Rumor has it that Edwards and Holmes will basically battle for a long-term extension this season, but Edwards won’t comment and just wants to drop it.

Above all else, Revis says that he wants to be financially secure in case the worst happens, like a broken leg or knee, to which every receiver in the league responded, “Oh yeah, that would just be terrible.”