Arizona Cardinals defensive lineman Darnell Dockett is the reason why the @Storytime series exists. It began with him live-blogging a run-in with police and has featured his in-depth thoughts on the Casey Anthony murder trial with only enough time to buy an alligator between.

Lucky for us, Dockett continues to find himself in Tweetable situations — this time he accidentally brought a gun to a Cardinals practice facility in Arizona, realized his mistake, tweeted about it, and got upset when more than one person said “why are you carrying a gun everywhere”. He compares himself to Sean Taylor, explicitly explains which guns his has and where he keeps them, and the story ends with him vowing to protect his family by buying … well, I don’t want to ruin it for you.

Please enjoy our continuing journey through the mind of an extremely sane man with @Storytime, after the jump.

Read the rest of this entry »

If LeBron James hadn’t spent so long in Cleveland, I think this lady would be the worst person to ever rep Ohio.

Sports

@Storytime with Darnell Dockett Part 2: The Casey Anthony Trial - Be sure to check out Dockett’s second live blog of important legal events, this one featuring a cameo from Kim Kardashian, a discussion about how much Casey Anthony is gonna be murdered and a small boy in extremely tight pajamas. [With Leather]

First Look: Nike Air Max LeBron 8 V2 Low “South Beach” - That thing about LeBron under the header was a joke, so please don’t try to hunt me down and kill me in real life. Although honestly LeBron and Casey aren’t that different. They both took way too long to reach a decision. [Smoking Section]

The Best and Worst of Raw 7/4 - If you didn’t read the column this week I dissected the emotional range of Vince McMahon, explained Kelly Kelly’s offense in terms of stiff independent workers and compared Evan Bourne to a Squirtle. Even if you don’t like wrestling you’d probably enjoy this thing. [With Leather]

Funny or Die’s Field of Dreams 2: A Breakdown - We put up a post about it yesterday, too, but KSK goes second-by-second through the trailer and points out every time Ray Lewis hilariously tackles someone (spoiler: a lot). [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Not Sports

The Top 10 Floppiest Flops of 2011 - My definition of a flop and the Internet’s are two different things. These days if you don’t make a billion dollars people call you a flop. Like “LOL booster gold the movie cost 80 million to make and only made 120 at the box office what a florp”. Natalie Portman (star of Your Higness, which is on this list) is our Lovely Lady of the Bottom Half today for committing the film equivalent of Casey Anthony, going from Black Swan to Ashton Kutcher Presents F**kpalz. [Film Drunk]

Patton Oswalt’s Rejected Pitches To DC Comics - Wow, that previous link got really long. Here’s a comedian pitching crummy ideas to a comic book company. [Gamma Squad]

The Best And Worst Of #AskObama - I got looped into this, and ended up doing an #AskObama about how I’d want to marry Flo from the Progressive commercials. I have not yet figured out what this has to do with Our President. [Uproxx]

Picture Me Rollin: 50 Rap Songs About Cars - Rap songs are like John Fogerty songs, there’s always one part you can barely understand. It’ll be going along fine, and then Mystikal (or whoever) will be all, “droppin funny in my runny smoke swift wit da snag fo”. I just assume that part is about cars. [Smoking Section]

Arizona Cardinals defensive tackle Darnell Dockett is a Renaissance Man. In the last week and a half he’s live-blogged a run-in with the police and purchased an alligator as a response to almost being bitten by one. Now, the only man to date to use wealth and social media properly is live-blogging his own response to the Casey Anthony trial, a trial America has been forced to follow in detail whether they want to or not thanks to the bumrush of television and online coverage. Seriously, it’s everywhere. I opened up my copy of Great Expectations and found an illustrated chart of Casey’s imaginary friends folded up and crammed inside.

So begins part two of our Darnell Dockett @Storytime series. A couple of warnings: this is reproduced from Dockett’s Twitter, so beware some foul language and adult situations even if the heavier stuff is edited. Also, there is a picture of Dockett’s son in some extremely small pajamas. And he’s trying to go to sleep in them! But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Please enjoy a recap of (and a shared emotional response to) the Casey Anthony trial courtesy of a guy who owns an alligator and knows Kim Kardashian.

Read the rest of this entry »

Arizona Cardinals defensive lineman Darnell Dockett is starting to represent his own branch of Darwinism. After live blogging multiple run-ins with the police he’s decided to fully chronicle his descent into off-season lockout madness by almost being eaten by a wild animal, then buying one.

The story begins logically enough, with Dockett wandering the Florida Everglades. His tweet of, “I’m out here messing with these gators in everglades! This mofo almost bit me!” was accompanied by a picture of said mofo. Having lived in South Florida myself, I know the proper response to almost being eaten by one of these things is to say “jesus christ” out-loud and move to Ohio. Dockett responded by buying his own alligator (pictured above) and telling everybody about how he’s going to take it to work.

If Dockett’s offseason continues at this pace, I expect him to be lost in the Old West battling aliens by the end of the Summer. Worst case scenario, we log on to Twitter and find out who’d win a fight between an alligator and a policeman.

[via Twitter]

Celebrities and athletes love Twitter, but very few of them use it correctly. Kim Kardashain tweets about how difficult the questions are on “Cash Cab”. Jose Canseco posts pictures of himself in drag so Lady Gaga will be his girlfriend. Or something. Not sure how that one works.

Arizona Cardinals defensive tackle Darnell Dockett is not one of those people. He’s using the Internet and social media correctly. And I mean come on, how could a guy with a Twitter bio like this go wrong?

That’s not a real website, by the way. Shut up.

Anyway, no, Dockett used his Twitter account to live blog an encounter with police who pulled him over for speeding, tried to search his car without a warrant, and did all of that dumb, manipulative team Cop Work cops do when they feel threatened. If you missed it, sit back, relax, grab a beverage and enjoy With Leather’s first edition of @Storytime. “99 Problems” comparisons optional.

[certain Twitter caps courtesy of The Chive]

Read the rest of this entry »

Lobster Dog doesn’t mind Kimmy’s surgery one bit.

God, I love twitter. Nothing’s better than trolling the internet, bored as hell, when something like this pops up on your feed.

Mann I just walked pass Kim kardashian and WTF has she done to her self I didn’t even know it was her- please leave the surgery alone!! Omg –Twitter via Sports Illustrated

I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Darnell, but you’re entitled to your opinion. You’re also a mountain of a man, who could easily crush me like a soda can, so I’ll let this one slide. Kimmy K hotness, for the second day in a row, after the jump. Like you’re really going to bitch about it. Read the rest of this entry »