For as long as people have been posting humiliating home videos to YouTube with the hopes of becoming the next Star Wars kid or Tay Zonday, my absolute favorite has always been the goofy white kid showing off his slam dunk moves on a NERF hoop in his basement. Naturally, I’m a little geeked that after several years of being the (latest) authority in telling us about those videos, Daniel Tosh finally tracked down the man who was once that boy in his basement for a new segment entitled, “30 For 30.0”.
Of course, I also worried that it would just be typical Tosh fare, in that he’d help recreate the original video with his own special, snarky touch, but the guy who once stabbed Kate Upton in the tit with a banana actually put a little extra into this spoof, recruiting Jalen Rose, Bill Simmons, Spud Webb and even Darryl “Chocolate Thunder” Dawkins to tell the story of Ryan, a goofy redheaded kid from Michigan who was a beast on the NERF hoop.
Back in 2010, we were introduced to a young couple at a Houston Astros game, as they became instant Internet celebrities thanks to every sports blog on the planet and eventually Daniel Tosh. In case your memory is fuzzy from all the meth, Chris Johnson hit a foul ball into the field box along the left field line, and the boyfriend took cover like a frightened toddler as his then-girlfriend was hit by the ball. Needless to say, that relationship didn’t last.
On Sunday, Brandon Inge ousted the “foul ball couple” as the Internet’s favorite fan f*ck-ups when he belted a 3-run home run off rookie Matt Moore in the third inning, and it smacked a Tampa fan right in the gooners. To make matters worse, the ball ricocheted off the Rays fan’s crotch into his lady friend’s face. Really, it’s the feel good video of the summer.
Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen is currently taking a break from the team’s road trip for a pit stop in Miami to dish out a few thousand apologies for a comment he recently made to Time magazine. If you’re unfamiliar – and chances are you’re not – here’s the comment:
“I love Fidel Castro. I respect Fidel Castro. You know why? A lot of people have wanted to kill Fidel Castro for the last 60 years, but that mother*cker is still here.”
People in Miami hate Castro, in case you haven’t read a history book in the past 60 years, so it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that anti-Castro groups are absolutely losing their sh*t over this incredibly stupid comment, and the Marlins already responded by suspending Guillen for 5 games. And the main reason I’m calling it stupid is because you shouldn’t ever say the phrase “I love Fidel Castro.” Even if the guy cures puppy AIDS, your response should still be: “That was cool, but Fidel Castro is still an assbag.”
I understand what Guillen was trying to say, but as usual he didn’t put much thought into what he was actually saying and who he was saying it to. So it didn’t take too long for the Internet to react and of course the people who didn’t get it freaked out and called for Guillen’s head and the people who did get it turned it into the joke of the day.
LeBron James Jumps Over John Lucas For The Dunk - LeBron James Does Cool Thing, News At Eleven. Has he stopped being all LeBron James about it yet? [Smoking Section]
Six Things the 3DS Needs to Deliver to Become as Great as the Original DS - 1. Nintendo coming up with some games that aren’t Mario/Zelda/Metroid/Donkey Kong/Party/Kart related. 2. That is all. [Gamma Squad]
‘Jeff Who Lives at Home’ Nails Every Indie Dramedy Trailer Cliche (with side-by-sides) - My movie should go into production sometime this year, and I’m using this post as a guide for making the trailer not look like a piece of sh*t. Thanks, FilmDrunk! [Film Drunk]
Jennifer Love Hewitt Strips for Her Hooker Mom Show - … but not really. This would be the greatest thing to happen to me since I went on vacation and came back to naked Anne Hathaway in Havoc screencaps if it was a real thing. [Warming Glow]
Meme Watch: It’s About Time We Gave ‘Forever Resentful Mother’ Her Own Feature - I’m glad my Mom never did anything meme-worthy. Also, pretty happy that I didn’t have the Internet until I was old enough to be weird about my parents on it. [UPROXX]
Snoop Dogg Is A National Treasure - Getting started on that “Dr. Dre steals the U.S. Constitution” script as soon as possible. [UPROXX]
Call Your Bookies: We’re Breaking Down Super Bowl XLVI’s Prop Bets - Worth it for all the pictures of pre-post-pre-Crisis Kelly Clarkson. Your December was terrible, but your September-November was pretty great. [With Leather]
The Naked Daniel Tosh Supercut Is The Nakedest Supercut - My girlfriend loves Tosh.0, but wishes he’d stop being naked and showing gross-out videos all the time. All I can think is “why the f**k do you like Tosh.0, then”. [Buzzfeed]
The Funniest Animal Photobombs Of All Time - Needs more boing sound effects. [HuffPost Comedy]
Disney Princesses Reimagined As Hipsters - And yes, I would try to hook up with every single one of them. Hipster Snow White ftw. [The FW]
The 9 Most Unfairly Typecast Animals - Poor pit bulls, you are the Henry Pollard of the animal kingdom. [FARK]
This week’s requisite Tosh post spotlights the $150,000 Tosh.0 Marathon, wherein thousands of people gathered to run on treadmills on Hermosa Beach in California to see how far they could get before a Kenyan runner finished first. As if that weren’t enough, the marathon featured magicians, stairmasters, improv sketch comedy and a bunch of horrible racism that is okay because he’s kidding. You can check out the video below, but be aware of all the cursing and slow motion lady-running before you click play.
The best part is even Tosh being unable to mock the affable Kenyan guy at the end. I did the math, and if I’d participated in this with my sharp 17-minute mile, I would’ve logged about 7/10th of one before giving up and having fun on the beach.
I’m not sure where the line between “embarrassing yourself on the Internet” and “embarrassing yourself in real life and having people talk about it on the Internet” is drawn, but last night’s episode of Tosh.0 featured a Web Redemption for Steve Consalvi, the then-high school senior who ran out onto the field during a Phillies/Cardinals game last season and got compromised to a temporary end by a security guard’s taser.
Of course the Daniel Tosh idea of redeeming the kid is to have him pretend to f**k a transvestite prostitute (who is then killed), because “I hate black people” and “I hate women” were too hard to work in. It’s still pretty funny, if you stick around for the X-Men Origins: Wolverine ending. Check out the full video below.
Well, it’s not exactly the Afro Ninja pulling off a backflip, but what can you do? I feel like his “web redemption” should’ve been apologizing for being a teenager and watching a baseball game in peace.