I hate to sound like one of these East-Coast jagoffs that act like they’re too good for certain sporting events. But I really am having a hard time getting into this weekend’s Indy 500. I really don’t know any of the drivers except that one chick, and there’s talk of her going to NASCAR, anyway. Anyway, COED Magazine tries to capture the spirit of the thing with a gallery of racing-related ladies, I guess. Pretty sure these aren’t IRL gals, but when it comes to open-wheel racing and open bars and open-casket funerals, I’m not so picky.
Indy racer Danica Patrick is in the Swimsuit Issue for the second consecutive year, and this year’s spread is way way better than last year’s. Last year she was crawling out of a firesuit on a beach and wearing a bland white bikini. Now they’ve got her all glammed up, wearing a fancy bikini and high heels while she’s draped across a sports car. Science says that high heels and fast cars make any photo shoot 50% sexier, and science is never wrong. Science also says she could have gotten the extra 50% if she were pictured eating fruit provocatively and submerging herself in a tub of motor oil. Eh, maybe next year.
Danica Patrick has a January court date in Arizona after she was ticketed for speeding earlier this month. From TMZ:
Cops confirm Patrick was busted earlier this month in Scottsdale, Ariz. for driving 54 in a 35 — 19 over the speed limit — which bested her last run-in with the fuzz where she was going 57 in a 40 — only 17 over. [Ed. note: Thanks for doing the math for us, jackasses]
This couldn’t possibly be a lamer story. Like, couldn’t it at least be a school zone? Or 40 mph faster? Can’t she offer the cop sexual favors? Side-swipe a pregnant lady? You’re killin’ me, Danica. I even had to go looking for other pictures of her because I was tired of using the boring white swimsuit ones from her SI shoot. They’re from the 2008 Espys, and her hair looks like shit. Great teeth though. Is this day over yet?
AOL released its findings for the most popular searches in 2008, and Danica Patrick was the most highly searched athlete, beating out Tiger Woods and Tom Brady. NASCAR and WWE were the most highly searched sports, followed by the Olympics and MLB. The NFL was fifth. This is the same thing that gets picked up in the news every year and tells you Britney Spears was the most popular search for the seventh straight year or whatever.
If all that sounds really depressing, keep in mind that this is for AOL searches. You know who uses AOL? Grandparents and retards. These are the people who haven’t even graduated to Internet Explorer yet. They’re not the Neanderthals of Web use, they’re Australopithecines. Oh snap! That’s an ANTHROPOLOGY BURN, bitches! You just got graduate schooled!
Danica Patrick and Milka Duno had a bit of a run-in over the weekend and because they're two women being aggressive towards one another, all the sports blogs choose to depict it as a catfight. Just because they were hissing and arching their backs and making their hair stand on end to appear more intimidating to their enemy.
More august, professional sports media, such as Fox Sports, upholders of the mantle of series journalism that they are, asked readers in a poll to pick the weapon that the two racers would use in their next throwdown. Sure, almost all the options were stereotypically sexist, but which was sexiest?
62 percent of respondents choose Super Soakers, 19 percent picked pillows, 17 percent selected cars, while 2 percent went with towels.
The Death Race-inspired option is enticing, I'll admit, and one that David Cronenberg would appreciate. The watergun option, though seemingly sexy, proves ineffective once you realize they're both still in racing gear. Playful, but ultimaqtely unrevealing. Towels, however, come up puzzlingly short. The readers of Fox Sports have much to learn of the erotic possibilities of erotic asphyxiation using bathware.
ROWR! HISSSS!!! Buckle up, everybody, IndyCar competitors Danica Patrick and Milka Duno had an altercation in Ohio this weekend, when speed princess Danica didn't like fiery Latina Milka's slowocity on the track. Tempers flared, and the passion was undeniable.
“She came to my team and our pit box in a very bad way with bad words,” Duno said. “If you come in a nice way, perfect, we can talk. If you come in a bad way, you are going to find my bad side. I don’t like drama, and I told her ‘go away, you are not welcome.’.”
Patrick said she didn’t regret her action… “Unfortunately, things involving me tend to evolve. I’m on the hot seat when I do something and when others do something (connected to me). It’s kind of the line that I walk because I’m popular.”
Duno acknowledged she was struggling in her first Indy-car event at the track, but she issued a warning to Patrick… I don’t like the show she likes in every race weekend,” Duno said. “She can push the guys because they cannot do anything to her, but she cannot push me… I know if somebody pushes me and finds my bad side they are going to get a problem.”
You know what would make this better? If we had video of Danica approaching Milka, then Milka getting bitchy and throwing a towel at Danica, then Danica swearing at Milka after she walks away. Oh wait a second, WE DO.
Eh, needs more hair-pulling and clothes-tearing and passionate, angry lesbian sex.