I’m just slumming it on the sports blog until they make me full-time over at Gamma Squad, so I’m excited to announce that NASCAR beauty Danica Patrick will be appearing alongside Sonic the Hedgehog in the upcoming multi-platform kart racer Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed. Wait, no I’m not, I think it’s the stupidest f**king news I’ve ever heard.

But no, seriously, Danica will be a playable character in a game where a hedgehog who can run super fast decides to race people in a car (?) that turns into a boat and then into an airplane. You know, instead of running. She’ll appear alongside such luminaries as Amigo the Maracas Monkey, the taxi driver from Crazy Taxi and “Gilius Thunderhead”, which I’m guessing was Danica’s name before she became a driver.

Quick, try to decide which of these statements was most written by a public relations team!

“It’s a very exciting experience since I’ll be sharing the screen with such an iconic character,” said Danica Patrick. “I cannot wait for gamers to jump into my customized, transformable vehicles and give Sonic a run for his rings this holiday season!”

“Danica Patrick is one of the most popular athletes in the world and her accomplishments both on and off the track make her the perfect partner for Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed,” said Masanao Maeda, President and COO, SEGA of America.

I can’t decide which is harder to believe, the fact that the Japanese COO of SEGA thought “that lady racecar driver people know” would be perfect for his monkeys in hovercrafts garbageware game or that Danica Patrick said the phrase “jump into my customized, transformable vehicles and give Sonic a run for his rings this holiday season” in real life. The full picture of Danica on the Sonic stock car she’ll be driving during the O’Reilly Auto Parts Challenge on November 3 at the Texas Motor Speedway is below, because video games!

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Oops, sorry. That’s Brooklyn Decker up there, not Kate Upton. They’re still just too damn easy to confuse with each other.

Anywho, Decker was on hand for the Coca-Cola 600 on Sunday as a guest of Coke Zero and to promote her new film Battleship, which is currently doing its best Kenny Wallace impression at the box office. Either way, someone won the race, and apparently nobody cares who it was because we’re all distracted by the late night Cinemax film that Decker and Danica Patrick filmed before the race.

Let your minds wander as far as they want, folks…

In a joint appearance, Patrick explained the nuances of a NASCAR pit stop, and Decker was given the chance to try to jack the car and pack it with fuel.

“Is it magnetized?” Decker asked while trying to insert the gas can into the car. “It doesn’t latch? Well, that doesn’t seem very smart. There has to be a better way.”

Patrick laughed and noted, “Well, there could be a better way, but somewhat of the fun of NASCAR is we keep things a little more do-it-yourself.”

“She’s a good sport,” Patrick added. “I know I wouldn’t want to pick up the gas cans. I just like turning left.”

“You’re really good at turning left,” Decker said. “She’s so skilled and talented. If I can hold your gas can, I’m honored.” (Via USA Today)

Yeah, you hold her gas can, you dirty girl. Come on, let’s step this up a little, ladies. There’s a guy rubbing the crotch of his Wrangler cut-offs that needs a pay-off.

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This year’s Daytona 500 was undoubtedly one of the strangest in recent memory. For starters, there was that whole 36-hour delay and holding it on a Monday night for the first time in history. But between the multiple crashes in Saturday’s Nationwide race, the crash in the opening of the 500 and Juan Pablo Montoya inexplicably flying into a track dryer/jet engine, the entire weekend felt like one really bad Days of Thunder remake. Except this one didn’t feature Nicole Kidman screaming, “LET ME OUT OF THE CAH, COLE!” or end with Tom Cruise running like a sissy.

But it did end with people wondering, WTF is up with Danica Patrick? The not-really-first lady of racing wrecked three times during the 500 weekend events, including both the Nationwide and main races. So what the hell happened, DP?

“I just wish the beginning of the race could have been a nice single-file line like it was when I got back out there, but it wasn’t,” Patrick said. “And honestly, that’s my lesson to learn, maybe. Write off that first little bit if you’re not up front.”

“I would have loved to have run up there. I would have loved to have got the experience when you actually were racing for positions as opposed to just feeling it out,” Patrick said. “But I truly believe everything happens for a reason.”(Via CBS Sports)

That’s a good outlook, I suppose, but she crashed three times. This was supposed to be her big chance – her first Daytona 500 – to hang with the boys and take one giant leap forward for women in racing. But if everything happens for a reason, I think someone is trying to tell Danica to tighten her HANS device, because it’s gonna be a long year.

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After a 36-hour delay and what felt like 36 caution flags, Matt Kenseth was finally declared the winner of the 2012 Daytona 500 after he held off the feisty Dale Earnhardt, Jr., but nobody really cares about that, because DID YOU SEE THAT CRASH??? Juan Pablo Montoya inexplicably slammed into a track dryer truck, which is, of course, just a giant jet engine. So Montoya’s crash led to quite the toasty bonfire. Thankfully, neither Montoya nor the driver of the truck were severely harmed.

But out of a massive inferno rises a different kind of winner – aside from, you know, Kenseth who won the race and all – as driver Brad Keselowski became the first NASCAR driver to ever Tweet a race photo from inside his car. Keselowski Tweeted a cell phone pic of his view of Montoya’s crash and it resulted in him gaining 100,000 followers within an hour. Damn, son. That’s exposed breast followers right there.

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And when all else fails, just reference Star Wars, whether it fits your product or not.

How is it that Next Media Animation, the same news team who turned Ndamukong Suh into a zombie and showed Jerry Jones murder a child with fire breath, can so succinctly get to the heart of Super Bowl ads and why we’re all sheepish pieces of sh*t for enjoying them? They’ve got Volkswagen’s number with the Star Wars quote, and I’m pretty sure every GoDaddy.com writers’ meeting begins with a naked dancing lady with XXX across her chest. If Dennis Haysbert ever kills a guy with an insurance check and makes out with his widow they’ll be straight-up prophets.

It’s also pretty sad that Taiwanese animation, with all its hyperbolic imagery and blunt, warped English, could be less intellectually offensive than actual Super Bowl ads. Not necessarily the Bud Frogs or Betty White (who Taiwan makes look more like Martha Plimpton than Betty White) getting footballed for Snickers, but have you seen Danica Patrick and Jillian Michaels bodypainting a model and getting all hot and bothered over Dot Co domain names? If you go to GoDaddy.com you can see more! On GoDaddy.com they show boobies, and the women make out and Danica Patrick gets f**ked with a fitness roller, I’m assuming!

Via Warming Glow:

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Chances are if you watched the ESPYs last night you’re either way too desperate for sports, a 13-year old girl obsessed with Justin Bieber, a young male perv obsessed with Brooklyn Decker, or you lost your remote. While I qualify for that third option with flying colors, I chose not to watch ESPN’s annual celebration of the day after the MLB All-Star Game because it’s a silly, meaningless display of ass-kissing. I mean, how the hell can you claim that Jimmer Fredette was better than Kemba Walker or that the Dallas Mavericks were a better team than the San Francisco Giants or the Green Bay Packers? It’s speculative and lazy, and anyone who takes it seriously (SPOILER ALERT: The athletes don’t) needs to put down the second helping of Totino’s Pizza Rolls and step outside for some fresh air.

But damn ESPN and their wicked manipulation, because they know better than to just give us straight-forward sports. The World Wide Leader used Decker, Emmanuelle Chiqrui, Amber Heard, Rachel Nichols, and, for the ladies, Ryan Reynolds to make us think that this is actually a worthwhile event, and not just an ad revenue source for the year’s worst day of sports. It’s diabolical, sure. But we’re stuck with it, so we can either keep fighting or we can give in and agree to stare at Decker and the rest of the attractive women (and men, for the two girls that read this site).

After the jump, the best of the Red Carpet, ESPYs, and the post-show thing where people stand around and smile.

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