Danica Patrick was first woman to start on the pole at the Daytona 500, led a lap and finished in 8th place. That gave her the highest finish for a woman in the 500 and helped make that “Danica Patrick just immediately drives her car into everybody else’s cars because LOL” joke a little less accurate.

Here, she’s making a guest appearance in the “Shoot The Puck” contest during second intermission at Tuesday’s Chicago Blackhawks/Minnesota Wild playoff game, chatting loosely with Susannah Collins about how she’s only here to see the fights and then totally draining a shot from center-ice on her first try. It’s remarkable. It also reeks of beginners luck — her next three shots don’t come anywhere close to goal — but that complicates the narrative. Danica Patrick is SUDDENLY GREAT AT HOCKEY and we have to deal with that.

Video (with a nasty habit of autoplaying) is after the jump.

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Now that Danica Patrick has won the pole for the 2013 Daytona 500 this Sunday on Fox, the media can begin this season’s most common pre-race question: “Will Danica Patrick become the first woman to win the Daytona 500?” And then it will be asked at the next race, the race after that and so on, because until she wins a race, it will be the easiest question a NASCAR writer can write. Seriously, I could wake up, write it on a napkin, and sleep four more hours before I even had to be up for brunch at Hooters.

But over the past three months, a few people have been asking a much different and somewhat more intriguing question: “Can a woman hang with a NASCAR pit crew?” For as long as stock car racing’s grandest stage has existed, everything from the steering wheel to the impact wrench has belonged (mostly) to men, and as Patrick looks to change that on Sunday, another woman wants to change pit crews forever as well.

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Despite being a bro who loves the ladies, I’ve never really enjoyed Go Daddy’s overly suggestive Super Bowl spots, because they typically lack creativity. And that doesn’t just apply to Go Daddy either, as I think that the majority of scorn dished out at Mercedes and its Super Bowl ad featuring Kate Upton stemmed from people just thinking it wasn’t very clever. That’s why I’m tipping my sweet fedora to Go Daddy today for its very simple yet considerably more ingenious ad for Super Bowl 47.

The commercial features super duper DUPER model Bar Refaeli making out with some dweeby dude, while recent divorcee (and current girlfriend of official NASCAR racer of With Leather Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.) Danica Patrick says something. I don’t know what she says because every time I’ve watched Bar make out with this geek, I’ve heaved my monitor across my office.

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Divorce is never cause for celebration, unless it involves Olivia Wilde in a year or so – sorry, Jason Sudeikis, we love you but… it’s an Internet thing – and it pains me to bring more light to the recent news that NASCAR’s first lady of turning left, Danica Patrick, and her husband, that guy who she married, are indeed calling quits after seven years. Patrick and Paul Hospenthal, if that is his real name, filed in Arizona, where a couple can get divorced for any reason under the sun, so I hope they go with something cool like, “Refusal to Invest in Shark Fighting League”.

Unfortunately, they went with a boring reason, as the Sporting news reported first:

Danica Patrick filed for divorce on Jan 3. in the Superior Court of Arizona, citing an “irretrievably broken” marriage with her husband, Paul Hospenthal.

Sort of like how my heart was irretrievably broken when Wilde got engaged to Sudeikis. But back to this announcement, someone’s getting taken to the cleaners, right?

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After a brief hiatus, the Sports On TV column returns with one of the most requested shows ever: Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s 16-season strong cultural landmark, ‘South Park’.

‘South Park’ has been around since 1997, and has changed along with the times. When it started, Parker and Stone were getting $1,200 to make video Christmas cards for Fox executives. In 2012, they are influential, Tony Award-winning, multi-millionaire media moguls. One thing hasn’t changed: in season one, Kenny was getting ripped apart by football players. In season 16, Tom Brady is guzzling a Gatorade bottle of a child’s semen. Sports are one of the weirdest, stupidest, most ritualistic and overly-glorififed things human beings can do, and ‘South Park’ has been in tune with that since the very beginning.

So, in the Interest of easing us back into regular Thursday columns, here are my choices for the 20 greatest South Park sports moments. Like a lot of the shows we do, there are a ton of moments we had to leave out, so a part 2 will probably happen. If we left out your favorite moment, or you have something to say about a moment we chose, be sure to drop down into our comments section and let us know.

As an added bonus, participating in the discussion and sharing the column on Twitter or Facebook (courtesy of one of those handy buttons at the bottom of the post) will net you the BAT DAD BADGE. You don’t want the Bat Dad Badge? I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA.

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In country star Miranda Lambert’s video for ‘Fastest Girl In Town’, Miranda stars as a sexy local who may or may not know how to properly smoke a cigarette who uses her feminine wiles to lure unsuspecting billiards hunks away and steal their cars. Her accomplice? NASCAR’s own Danica Patrick, who manages to get into a car and drive it for almost two minutes without crashing into something.

Country music videos love to tether themselves as closely as possible to other, classically “redneck” endeavors (see also, Montgomery Gentry and TNA Wrestling’s ‘Cowboy’ James Storm in ‘Longnecks and Rednecks’), and this one hits all the great Southern marks: facial tattoos, dive bars with Christmas light decorations and cops who have no idea what they’re doing. All they need is 15 churches in the background and they’ve nailed my hometown.

Anyway, here’s Danica using tight pants and Wonder Woman gauntlets (?) to steal a car:

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