Noted bloggerati Unsilent Majority and Sarah Schorno spent a weekend in Vegas to check out the new Lagasse’s Stadium. It’s a new restaurant and bar nestled squarely into the Palazzo hotel lobby, promising entertainment and food and over 100 HDTVs in case you hate everyone at your table. UM and Sarah wrote something up for their trip about the newest venture from famed TV chef Emeril Lagasse; their words are after the jump.
Racing sensation and autographer of male breasts Danica Patrick was asked in SI this week if she would have taken any performance-enhancing drugs, provided that they would have helped her win the Indianapolis 500 and she would have avoided detection:
Danica, who finished third at Indy last month, said, “Well, then it’s not cheating, is it? If nobody finds out?
“Yeah,” she added. “It would be like finding a gray area. In motorsports, we work in gray areas a lot. You’re trying to find where the holes are in the rule book.”
That remark got her in trouble with the US Anti-Doping Agency, whose ass it is in your best interest to kiss when they operate with Gestapo-esque tactics with seemingly no oversight or appeal methodology. But none of that matters to columnists like John Smallwood of the Philadelphia Enquirer, who couldn’t play the Think Of The Children card fast enough.
[T]he biggest shame in kids thinking that they have to use illegal drugs to get ahead is that they see repeated examples of it working every day in the world of professional athletics.[...]
Rule books aren’t written in gray. The are written in crystal-clear black and white. Looking for loopholes and gray areas to bend, flex or stretch is called “cheating.”
I feel compelled to point out that Smallwood is African-American, but only because “Smallwood” is a hilarious surname for a black guy. But damn, son. This freaking country was founded on loopholes. And the great fallacy with the steroids witchhunt is that the only players that seem to be getting busted are the ones that piss off all the sportswriters. The testing process IS NOT black-and-white; nobody knows how it works, just as everybody knows that these tests are only catching the people stupid enough to get caught.
And the only reason kids turn to steroids is because kids are irrational and lazy. It’s the Contra Cheat Code for life. Pants down, shoot up, pants down, shoot up, left, right, left, right, B, A. Dirty lives, just like that. Alright, I’m off the soapbox now. Hey, what happened to all the soap that was in here? Read the rest of this entry »
I hate to sound like one of these East-Coast jagoffs that act like they’re too good for certain sporting events. But I really am having a hard time getting into this weekend’s Indy 500. I really don’t know any of the drivers except that one chick, and there’s talk of her going to NASCAR, anyway. Anyway, COED Magazine tries to capture the spirit of the thing with a gallery of racing-related ladies, I guess. Pretty sure these aren’t IRL gals, but when it comes to open-wheel racing and open bars and open-casket funerals, I’m not so picky.
Indy racer Danica Patrick is in the Swimsuit Issue for the second consecutive year, and this year’s spread is way way better than last year’s. Last year she was crawling out of a firesuit on a beach and wearing a bland white bikini. Now they’ve got her all glammed up, wearing a fancy bikini and high heels while she’s draped across a sports car. Science says that high heels and fast cars make any photo shoot 50% sexier, and science is never wrong. Science also says she could have gotten the extra 50% if she were pictured eating fruit provocatively and submerging herself in a tub of motor oil. Eh, maybe next year.
Danica Patrick has a January court date in Arizona after she was ticketed for speeding earlier this month. From TMZ:
Cops confirm Patrick was busted earlier this month in Scottsdale, Ariz. for driving 54 in a 35 — 19 over the speed limit — which bested her last run-in with the fuzz where she was going 57 in a 40 — only 17 over. [Ed. note: Thanks for doing the math for us, jackasses]
This couldn’t possibly be a lamer story. Like, couldn’t it at least be a school zone? Or 40 mph faster? Can’t she offer the cop sexual favors? Side-swipe a pregnant lady? You’re killin’ me, Danica. I even had to go looking for other pictures of her because I was tired of using the boring white swimsuit ones from her SI shoot. They’re from the 2008 Espys, and her hair looks like shit. Great teeth though. Is this day over yet?
AOL released its findings for the most popular searches in 2008, and Danica Patrick was the most highly searched athlete, beating out Tiger Woods and Tom Brady. NASCAR and WWE were the most highly searched sports, followed by the Olympics and MLB. The NFL was fifth. This is the same thing that gets picked up in the news every year and tells you Britney Spears was the most popular search for the seventh straight year or whatever.
If all that sounds really depressing, keep in mind that this is for AOL searches. You know who uses AOL? Grandparents and retards. These are the people who haven’t even graduated to Internet Explorer yet. They’re not the Neanderthals of Web use, they’re Australopithecines. Oh snap! That’s an ANTHROPOLOGY BURN, bitches! You just got graduate schooled!
