This year’s Daytona 500 was undoubtedly one of the strangest in recent memory. For starters, there was that whole 36-hour delay and holding it on a Monday night for the first time in history. But between the multiple crashes in Saturday’s Nationwide race, the crash in the opening of the 500 and Juan Pablo Montoya inexplicably flying into a track dryer/jet engine, the entire weekend felt like one really bad Days of Thunder remake. Except this one didn’t feature Nicole Kidman screaming, “LET ME OUT OF THE CAH, COLE!” or end with Tom Cruise running like a sissy.

But it did end with people wondering, WTF is up with Danica Patrick? The not-really-first lady of racing wrecked three times during the 500 weekend events, including both the Nationwide and main races. So what the hell happened, DP?

“I just wish the beginning of the race could have been a nice single-file line like it was when I got back out there, but it wasn’t,” Patrick said. “And honestly, that’s my lesson to learn, maybe. Write off that first little bit if you’re not up front.”

“I would have loved to have run up there. I would have loved to have got the experience when you actually were racing for positions as opposed to just feeling it out,” Patrick said. “But I truly believe everything happens for a reason.”(Via CBS Sports)

That’s a good outlook, I suppose, but she crashed three times. This was supposed to be her big chance – her first Daytona 500 – to hang with the boys and take one giant leap forward for women in racing. But if everything happens for a reason, I think someone is trying to tell Danica to tighten her HANS device, because it’s gonna be a long year.

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After a 36-hour delay and what felt like 36 caution flags, Matt Kenseth was finally declared the winner of the 2012 Daytona 500 after he held off the feisty Dale Earnhardt, Jr., but nobody really cares about that, because DID YOU SEE THAT CRASH??? Juan Pablo Montoya inexplicably slammed into a track dryer truck, which is, of course, just a giant jet engine. So Montoya’s crash led to quite the toasty bonfire. Thankfully, neither Montoya nor the driver of the truck were severely harmed.

But out of a massive inferno rises a different kind of winner – aside from, you know, Kenseth who won the race and all – as driver Brad Keselowski became the first NASCAR driver to ever Tweet a race photo from inside his car. Keselowski Tweeted a cell phone pic of his view of Montoya’s crash and it resulted in him gaining 100,000 followers within an hour. Damn, son. That’s exposed breast followers right there.

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And when all else fails, just reference Star Wars, whether it fits your product or not.

How is it that Next Media Animation, the same news team who turned Ndamukong Suh into a zombie and showed Jerry Jones murder a child with fire breath, can so succinctly get to the heart of Super Bowl ads and why we’re all sheepish pieces of sh*t for enjoying them? They’ve got Volkswagen’s number with the Star Wars quote, and I’m pretty sure every GoDaddy.com writers’ meeting begins with a naked dancing lady with XXX across her chest. If Dennis Haysbert ever kills a guy with an insurance check and makes out with his widow they’ll be straight-up prophets.

It’s also pretty sad that Taiwanese animation, with all its hyperbolic imagery and blunt, warped English, could be less intellectually offensive than actual Super Bowl ads. Not necessarily the Bud Frogs or Betty White (who Taiwan makes look more like Martha Plimpton than Betty White) getting footballed for Snickers, but have you seen Danica Patrick and Jillian Michaels bodypainting a model and getting all hot and bothered over Dot Co domain names? If you go to GoDaddy.com you can see more! On GoDaddy.com they show boobies, and the women make out and Danica Patrick gets f**ked with a fitness roller, I’m assuming!

Via Warming Glow:

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Chances are if you watched the ESPYs last night you’re either way too desperate for sports, a 13-year old girl obsessed with Justin Bieber, a young male perv obsessed with Brooklyn Decker, or you lost your remote. While I qualify for that third option with flying colors, I chose not to watch ESPN’s annual celebration of the day after the MLB All-Star Game because it’s a silly, meaningless display of ass-kissing. I mean, how the hell can you claim that Jimmer Fredette was better than Kemba Walker or that the Dallas Mavericks were a better team than the San Francisco Giants or the Green Bay Packers? It’s speculative and lazy, and anyone who takes it seriously (SPOILER ALERT: The athletes don’t) needs to put down the second helping of Totino’s Pizza Rolls and step outside for some fresh air.

But damn ESPN and their wicked manipulation, because they know better than to just give us straight-forward sports. The World Wide Leader used Decker, Emmanuelle Chiqrui, Amber Heard, Rachel Nichols, and, for the ladies, Ryan Reynolds to make us think that this is actually a worthwhile event, and not just an ad revenue source for the year’s worst day of sports. It’s diabolical, sure. But we’re stuck with it, so we can either keep fighting or we can give in and agree to stare at Decker and the rest of the attractive women (and men, for the two girls that read this site).

After the jump, the best of the Red Carpet, ESPYs, and the post-show thing where people stand around and smile.

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It’s late May, which means it’s time for our annual catch-up with Danica Patrick. Everyone seems to be getting all riled up about how Danica has never won anything, but the “uncensored” GoDaddy commercials where nobody gets naked are the true crime. Do I want domain registrars peddling that sort of smut? Why, yes. Yes I do.

Anyway, Danica was supposedly booed at qualifying for the Indianapolis 500 for comments about her car was the worst she had ever had. Her comments were audible through the public address system at the track, and according to reports, she was booed mightily. Wow, we’re ceding to the judgement of the people of Indianapolis? Wait until they have a auto race in Waco.

And then Danica was invited to ESPN for a press event, only to be held up at the gate with another driver. That sounds like a SportsCenter commercial there. She cannot get through the gate! The gate is narrow!

I’ll be honest. I think those of you whining about Danica’s presence in racing need to get a life. It’s Indy car racing. Why do you even care? Are you distraught that she’s taking away attention from…uh, that guy that was on “Dancing With The Stars?” Oh, what’s his name again? And the only reason we keep hearing about her is because the race is on ABC and we don’t know or care about any of the other drivers. And with your little kvetching, you’re making things worse. Yes, I’m complaining about you complaining about Danica Patrick. Now let’s just call this off before we rip a hole in the space-time continuum.

He very well could be, at least as far as Esquire magazine’s “Sexiest Woman Alive” tournament is concerned.

Heading into Esquire magazine’s so-called “Sexiest Woman Alive Madness” tournament as the Sports bracket’s Number 16 seed, USC head coach Lane Kiffin has shocked the world by making amazingly easy work of the Number 1 seed, Natalie Gulbis, in the first round. By defeating the gorgeous golfer by a whopping margin of 56% to 44%, Kiffin has advanced to the second round and will now face auto racing Danica Patrick in the Round of 32.

According to the mag, “both have broken barriers for women in sports, and Patrick is tough as they come. But the USC coach is just so… sweet.” (note: the “sweet” alluded to is in reference to this tweet by Kiffin, where he informed his Twitter followers that “Bon jovi was awesome last night!!” When aren’t they, Lane? When aren’t they?

Here is how Esquire sees the upcoming battle between Kiffin and Patrick:

LANE KIFFIN, 34
• Such a pretty girl. Sure raises a ruckus.

DANICA PATRICK, 28
• The prettiest thing in racing since Jeff Gordon.

It is sure to be a thrilling battle of epic proportions between the two lovely ladies – as thrilling as a flawed online vote can be where a person is theoretically allowed to vote multiple times, that is. With that said, be sure to vote here for Kiffin as many times as possible. Few things come to mind that would be more entertaining (in a nightmare fuel kind of way) than Kiffin somehow claiming the title as 2010′s Sexiest Woman Alive and the subsequent sultry photo shoot, a la 2009′s winner, Kate Beckinsale. Scary stuff.