Robert O’Ryan is the 34-year-old guy that really, really wanted to meet Dancing With The Has-Beens contestant and noted jail bait Shawn Johnson.  O’Ryan drove from Florida to LA to be with her, which sounds like a lot of work when sending unsolicited text messages brings about the same effect. Anyway, he jumped a fence at the TV studio where they do the show and was arrested.

Police later searched his car and found a loaded shotgun, a loaded Colt .45 handgun, Johnson memorabilia and duct tape, People magazine reported on its Web site. Bail was set at $35,000.

Records show that O’Ryan told security guards and police that he packed up all of his belongings and traveled to California from Florida in the hopes of being with Johnson.

Oh, and there’s a restraining order on him now and blah blah 100 yards or something. Like you can just look at a distance and say “Oh, this is within a sand wedge.” Girls these days are in such a hurry to grow up until a man comes along with some duct tape and a shotgun and then they’re just running back to mommy and daddy. It’s a dangerous world out there, and you can never have enough duct tape.

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Two-time Indy 500 winner and one-time shiteating television dance champ Helio Castroneves is probably not enjoying his federal tax evasion trial that was underway yesterday, but, you know, it’s called a trial for a reason. From SI.com (The SI does not stand for Shiteating Industries, just to be clear):

Defense attorney Roy Black said in an opening statement that the Brazilian driver, a two-time winner of the Indianapolis 500, knows nothing about U.S. tax laws and relied on experts to handle his finances. Black said there was no scheme to hide money from the IRS [Internal Realm of Shiteating --Ed.].

“All his taxes were properly done. They were properly paid,” Black told the 12-person jury. Prosecutor Matt Axelrod disagreed, describing a series of allegedly fraudulent deals dating to 1999 involving a Panamanian corporation created to dodge taxes. Axelrod accused Castroneves’ business manager-sister, Katiucia, and Michigan sports attorney Alan Miller of playing a role in the fraud.

In matters of Government v. Foreigner, I really don’t know who to believe. Unless “Foreigner” is actually the band, in which case WOOOOOOOOO! ROCK ON!

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Here’s a quick update on Dancing With The C-List Celebrities: Olympian and occasional object of underhanded lust Misty May-Treanor bowed out last night with a leg injury. So ballroom dancing is now officially more dangerous than beach volleyball, but still significantly less sexy. Look how bundled up she is!

“I heard a pop,” said May-Treanor, who was practicing the jive on the show’s ballroom set when she ruptured her left Achilles tendon. “I was doing the Lindy Hop. I thought I flew out of control and hit the judges’ stairs, or it felt like I got hit in the back with a baseball bat. Then, I just couldn’t put weight on it.”

May-Treanor, who had a previous knee injury from playing volleyball, and her professional partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy, had been a formidable dancing duo, scoring a 21 out of 30 for their previous foxtrot, mambo and paso double routines. Co-host Samantha Harris said what May-Treanor’s early exit means for the competition would be revealed on Tuesday’s show

Thank God she has a good body. That picture almost looks like somebody tried to put lipstick on a shark. A goth shark…that likes European men. Whoa, I think I just wrote the treatment for the next Underworld sequel. And it’s not even noon.

[The AP]

Dolphins defensive end/foxtrot extraordinare Jason Taylor will find out tonight if he'll take home that disco-inspired Dancing With The Stars trophy. Jason, if you win, don't take it to minicamp, because Parcells will wipe his ass with it before rubbing the turd-faced gem on under-performing rookies. The man knows how to motivate.

So yeah, Parcells is getting menstral, and Greg Cote of The Miami Herald took time off from pleasuring women everywhere to document as much:

Few players in the NFL have served one franchise longer or with more distinction than Taylor, but the thanks Taylor gets from his new boss is nearly six months of cold shoulder. That's insulting. That's dumb of Parcells. Taylor said on ESPN's Sunday Conversation he is in ''five times'' better shape right now than when he was NFL Defensive Player of the Year in 2006. Forgive him the hyperbole. Now make a short list of Dolphin players you needn't worry in the least about for 2008, either from a production or conditioning standpoint, and who do you rank above Taylor?…Nobody.

Snap! But it's pretty obvious that Taylor (a) probably won't give a shit about football after 2008, and (2) wouldn't mind irritating the new czar long enough to get out of Miami. I mean, it's not like there's anywhere to dance in Miami. 

You know, I didn't want to do so many videos today, but then I saw this on Popjocks, and…

You can just feel the Latin heat emanating from him. He's a bull! A bull, dammit! It's like watching a young Ricky Martin. Full of dark, fiery rhythm and gay love.