This would hurt Natalya a lot more if she had a neck.

Pre-show notes:

- Comments, shares, likes, and anything else that gets people to come here are appreciated, as always.

- Follow us on Twitter @withleather, follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and like us on Facebook.

- Be sure you’re reading With Leather’s This Week In Horrible-Looking People every Monday. It’s wrestling related, and features 100% more jokes about Scott Steiner looking like Mark Wahlberg than The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw.

- If you’d like to watch wrestling that is impossible to give a Worst, please consult Veda Scott’s promo about vegan scones and yarn octopi.

Please click through to enjoy the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for May 13, 2013. BITCH.

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"Look at him throw the sports ball!"

I know that not everybody out there is a fan of violent competition like professional football, and some people just aren’t interested in watching the Baltimore Ravens take on the San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl 47 on Sunday. Thankfully, there are like 8 million channels and a variety of other shows to watch, and that begins and ends with the Game Show Network’s Dancing with the Stars marathon.

Beginning at 5 PM ET on Sunday, you can watch your favorite dancing partners, including:

Marissa Jaret Winokur and Tony Dovolani
Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark Ballas
Shannon Elizabeth and Derek Hough
Priscilla Presley and Louis Van Amstel
Mario and Karina Smirnoff
Marlee Matlin and Fabian Sanchez
Cristián de la Fuente and Cheryl Burke
Jason Taylor and Edyta Śliwińska

I know who less than half of those people are!

Anyway, I hope everyone who is watching that marathon enjoys it, because I will be outside your homes, letting the air out of your tires.

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"Hey babes, let's talk about raising my flag. JEAH!"

As was discussed last week, Olympic gold medalist and total bro Ryan Lochte will be making his acting debut on 90210 while he sorts through the bevy of acting offers he’s received from shows desperate to improve their ratings. Lochte already admitted to Piers Morgan that he’s going to appear on Dancing with the Stars, and there’s a good chance that he’s going to be the next Bachelor, too. And to prove he’s serious about having a gold medal ability to bang random girls, Lochte hosted a Las Vegas pool party last weekend (where he also apparently raced Prince Harry at 3 am).

Now, though, it appears that ABC has a serious decision to make in regard to Lochte’s worth for a season of awkward spit-swapping and rose delivery, because Radar Online reports that Lochte is asking for $750,000 to be the Bachelor.

Ryan’s been very open about wanting to be the next star of The Bachelor, and his team has told producers that the number to just get everyone around the table would be $750,000, and that number could likely climb to $1 million very quickly if ABC is truly interested in him.

“Ryan’s agents are getting besieged with offers and deals, everything from The Bachelor, his own reality show, and some overseas movies,” a source close to the situation tells us.

Overseas movies? That must mean Bollywood, because otherwise that’s the saddest bargaining chip ever. “Hey, you want me to appear on your show that millions of people watch each week? Well, you’re going to have to pay more than the North Koreans who want me to play Kim Jong-Il in a biopic.”

Apparently, though, this is all about Lochte’s image and he doesn’t want people to portray him in a negative light. *looks at banner image, watches video after the jump again* My goodness, how could anyone think of this guy as anything less than an Oscar winner?

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Yo, VIP! Let’s briefly kick it!

Yesterday we shared with you the thrilling reality of Vanilla Ice on SportsCenter, promoting his third-best theatrical effort to date (behind Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret Of The Ooze and Cool As Ice), Happy Madison’s That’s My Boy.

That appearance could only go in so many directions, and assuming Tokka and Rahzar never burst into ESPN studios and start fighting turtles to a ninja song, it went in the best one — Vanilla Ice 90s-dancing to ‘Ice Ice Baby’ with Erin Andrews. She tried to get away before the jackers jacked. How do you know it’s ‘Ice Ice Baby’ he’s singing and not Queen and David Bowie’s ‘Under Pressure’? ‘Under Pressure’ goes ding ding ding dinga ding ding, but ‘Ice Ice Baby’ goes ding ding ding dinga ding ding CHING ding-ding ding ding dinga ding ding. Obvious difference.

Never forget, this glorious moment was made possible by ESPN’s dearth of coolness and Adam Sandler’s terrible movies. Word to your mother.

[Video via Twitter]

The cast for season 14 of ABC’s ‘Dancing with the Stars’ was unveiled this morning, and to answer the questions you may be having so far:

1. Celebrities and tangentially-related people from the world of sports are once again participating, following in the footsteps of former winners like Emmitt Smith, Hines Ward and Shawn Johnson, as well as former hilariously awful losers like Evander Holyfield, Kenny Mayne and Ron Artest.

2. No, I can’t believe ‘Dancing With The Stars’ has 14 seasons, either. It started in 2005, so you’d think it’d have what, maybe seven? But reality shows have seasons corresponding to literal seasons so we’re up to 14, and ‘Survivor’ is about to start season 470.

This year’s sports folk include:

Donald Driver - Green Bay Packers wide receiver and the football player whose name sounds the most like a wrestling finish. I’m calling at least one instance of him running and jumping into the crowd at the end of a dance.

Martina Navratilova - Tennis great and four-time Wimbledon champion. Unfortunately she’s probably gonna get the “WAIT A MINUTE, GAY PEOPLE EXIST? SHIELD THE EYES OF MY CHILDREN BLERGHHH” Chaz Bono dancing celebrity thing.

Maria Menounos - Super hot TV anchor and ‘Extra’ correspondent who consistently reps the New England Patriots and recently gained an increasing fame for losing a bet and being forced to wear a New York Giants bikini with no Giants logos on it that was also Patriots colors, but nobody noticed because holy sh*t her torso.

A brief recap of the remaining cast (including STEVE URKEL~) is after the jump.

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Since defeating the New England Patriots to win Super Bowl XLVI last Sunday, the New York Giants have been celebrating like there’s no tomorrow. Game MVP Eli Manning took his obligatory trip to Disney World, Brandon Jacobs invented time travel and now lives in 1956, and the rest of the team has been attending sporting events and just flat out partying. But nobody has been a bigger star this week than wide receiver Victor Cruz. Why? Because he got to stand next to Kate Upton.

On Wednesday, Cruz joined Upton, designer Naeem Khan and some other people as they cut the ribbon to launch Fall 2012 Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week in New York City. Last night, Cruz was also the guest of honor at the Oster Media Presents Leila Shams After-Party, of which I only know that it came after the party and was followed by the hotel lobby.

And as if it couldn’t get any greater for Cruz, he’s also being rumored for an invite to join the next season of Dancing With the Stars instead of Tim Tebow. Don’t worry, Tim, there’s always Celebrity Apprentice. I suppose it’s also worth noting that this should add a ton of pressure to the Giants’ offseason, because Cruz wants to get paid, and Giants GM Jerry Reese understands that.

“Every year there’s a guy that comes out of the shadows on different teams. That’s the beauty of the personnel in scouting. You go out and some guys like that fall through the cracks. You only have seven rounds. Those kinds of guys would probably get drafted [in] the old days. I think Rosie Brown got picked in the 27th round. If you had 27 rounds those kinds of guys would definitely get drafted, but you only have seven rounds now. So some players like Victor, with a couple redeeming qualities that some of our scouts like, would probably get drafted at some point in a draft in you had that many rounds. But it’s only seven rounds. So it’s not an exact science. Every year there’s a guy like that and there are plenty of guys who are in the Hall of Fame, but they didn’t get drafted.”

(Via The NY Times)

Luckily, I majored in BS as a Language back in college, so I know that translates to: “Look, dude – can I enjoy this whole Super Bowl thing for a minute or two before you go dumping in my Cookie Crisp? Sure, I want to pay Cruz but we’d also like to keep Mario Manningham. Whoever’s cheaper, you know? In the meantime, Cruz can just have fun hanging out with Ashanti at night clubs and we’ll take care of it when I’m done flicking quarters off a Polynesian dancer’s abs.”

Or something like that. I’m a little rusty.

[Banner via Getty]