His appearance on ‘The Dan Patrick Show’ might not have reached deeply into the complex heart of the Gregg Williams/New Orleans Saints bounty controversy, but one thing was made perfectly clear: if you go to the police with this, Charles Barkley is willing to murder you with a nail gun he bought at the Hardware Barn and drag your dead ass into a vacant building.

“You have to be a punk to snitch that out,” Barkley said. “That’s like giving a reporter an anonymous quote. That makes you a punk, if you do anonymous, but also, you don’t bring that out x amount of years later. I mean you don’t compete in it if you don’t want to be in it. But I’ve seen at least three or four well-known NFL players say all teams have bounties. So I’m glad they came to Gregg Williams’ defense. Because I’m pretty sure all teams have that.”

(via Pro Football Talk)

A few things shouldn’t be surprising here:

1. “Every team encourages and rewards you for injuring opposing players” is the NFL equivalent to baseball’s “everybody’s on steroids” … it’s unfortunate, shocking at first and completely true. These are sports, but they’re also businesses, and people do objectively sh*tty things to make sure their business thrives. Way of the world.

2. Every person who has ever done a job well and stopped doing it thinks they were one of the f**king Boondock Saints when they were in their prime. Has Charles Barkley personally injured someone to keep them from doing something he didn’t like in a grown-up version of a kids game? Of course he has.

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By all accounts, Chrissy Teigen may be one of the coolest girls on Earth. She’s a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model, which makes us obligated to like her, but she’s also one of the funniest people on Twitter. We don’t talk about her as much as we’d like to, though, because she’s engaged to singer John Legend, and that means that single Kate Upton will always hold the top spot. Thankfully, the two super duper models were both guests on the Dan Patrick Show today, which undoubtedly means that a group of radio interns spent most of the morning wiping up their own drool.

Alas, as you can see, Teigen and Upton were joined by a friend, Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow, and Teigen simply couldn’t contain her Twitter excitement.

Memo to Tebow: Frame this, because it’s 1,000,000,000 times better than a MVP award could ever be.

In news that makes me feel considerably better about Dale Earnhardt Jr., Dale Earnhardt Jr. announced Wednesday morning that he would not have sexual relations with a woman (or, by proxy, a man) with Dale Earnhardt Jr.-themed tattoos. Apparently, this is a thing. The racing star was a guest of the Dan Patrick Show yesterday, and because Dan Patrick literally could not give a sh** about sports, they talked about this. I mean, they also talked about him losing the No. 8 when he left Dale Earnhardt Inc. for Hendrick Motorsports, but he said it “didn’t bother [him] too much” so this is the important part.

Earnhardt Jr.: “No! Heck no! I mean, I just couldn’t.”

Patrick: “What if somebody is so hot, but she’s got Jimmie Johnson’s number on her?”

Earnhardt Jr.: “Ugh! That’d be a deal-breaker, easy. I mean, Jimmie is my buddy and all, but still…”

Patrick: “What if she’s got your Dad on her back, and he’s got angels wings?”

Earnhardt Jr.: “Sure, that’d be fine.”

I wish the line of questioning had continued, with Patrick asking “okay, so what if the girl models for Hawaiian Tropic, but she’s got this tattoo of Tony Stewart where he has mumps or something so it makes him look like Bubba the Love Sponge” and so on until he got to the big one, “would you sleep with a girl who know who you were and was into NASCAR?” and Dale had to sorta sigh and meekly confess, “no, I’m rich a famous and can sleep with regular girls”.

[h/t to Jeff Gluck @ SBN]

The former and current faces of Deadspin are guest-hosting The Dan Patrick Show today, I can only assume Dan Patrick is bound and gagged in the back of somebody’s truck while Will Leitch and A.J. Daulerio interview other media types and pimp their poll question.

You can listen here, but be warned. If you’ve ever heard live audio of Leitch, it’s rather painful. The King Of Aw, Shucks sounds like the lovechild of Nathan Lane and Porky Pig, whereas Daulerio seems to be bringing a sort of casual levity to the show in a way that only they can. Here’s their guest roster:

Tim Cowlishaw on Josh Hamilton
Richard Deitsch, SI on bucket list
Dan Patrick from the set of the Sandler movie shoot.
Michael Schur aka Ken Tremendous, maybe?

Possibly, hopefully, others (ahem, WHITLOCK) will be there to bail us out as well. via.

Lock up your daughters. It really is history in the making. But then, I said that after junior prom, and it turns out that was a little overblown. I guess people manage to drive home with a 0.32 BAC all the time.

Even though Keith Olbermann and Dan Patrick revolutionized the sports news show format in the early 1990s, they’ve done little else since then, except act like they could apply their alleged Midas touch elsewhere in the world. Patrick took the most boring show on ESPN radio and tried to syndicate it, with predictably unimpressive results. And then there’s Olbermann, who was so damn worried about getting shot in Denver that he threatened to quit without additional security.

From the New York Post, via Ben Maller:

Olbermann – upset to be anchoring at the Democratic National Convention from an outdoor set near Denver’s train station – “announced that his bosses [had] better find a more secure location for him to broadcast from at the Republican National Convention [in St. Paul, Minn.] or he’s not going,” one insider said. “He thinks someone will assassinate him.” MSNBC had no comment.

…Even before he left New York, the biggest mouth at MSNBC was worried about his safety. When a car was late to take him to the airport, Olbermann threatened via e-mail to stay home, another insider told Page Six. The blowhard whined to producers, “I could have been attacked on the street.”

…Connie Chung, a former news star of both MSNBC and CBS, told The Wall Street Journal yesterday, “They have to just grow up.”

Whoa there, Connie Chung. We didn’t schedule a guest lecture for today. And you should know, homegirl, not that you’ve been remotely relevant since 1994. Hey, Connie, here comes your husband with a legal-sized manila envelope. Uh oh, this can’t be good.

Mason High School's own Dan Patrick left ESPN nine months ago in hopes of enjoying some of his own success after doing SportsCenter and his eponymous midday radio show. Turns out that leaving the biggest sports media conglomerate wasn't such a wise move, was it, Sports by Brooks?

The clearance in Miami on the small, scratchy-signaled station though means that after six months on the air, Patrick’s show is now cleared live on a grand total of three major market (Top 25) stations. And really only one of those is a legitimate outlet (KLAC-AM in Los Angeles). The other two stations in Minneapolis and St. Louis are small, flanker sports stations. The show can also be heard live in Salt Lake City and San Antonio.

Patrick's radio show pretty much went to shit after he got rid of Rob Dibble, who himself got annoying in his attempts to convince everyone that steroids wouldn't help a baseball player. Maybe some more stoic black-and-white photographs will win some of those markets over. Who would have thought that a 50-year-old white guy from Ohio with no personality would make for bad radio?