I was called a sucky pussy yesterday for believing that hockey fights are only a part of the game when hockey has actually been played, so I wanted to share footage of a completely justified bloody brawl. During the second period of Tuesday night’s game between the Dallas Stars and Phoenix Coyotes, Coyotes captain Shane Doan gave Stars forward Jamie Benn a suckerpunch elbow to the jaw. As the adorably commentary noted, it was “right on the button” and “all heck” proceeded to break loose.

A rundown of penalties, courtesy of Puck Daddy:

Doan was given a fighting major for his bout with Brenden Morrow (who also received five minutes), as well as a two-minute elbowing minor for the hit on Benn.

The other penalties for the Coyotes: Raffi Torres with roughing and charging minors and a 10-minute misconduct; and Rusty Klesla with a roughing minor and a 10-minute misconduct.

The other penalties for the Stars: Steve Ott with roughing and unsportsmanlike conduct minors, and a 10-minute misconduct; and Trevor Daley with a roughing minor and a 10-minute misconduct.

As for Doan, he’s in trouble when the NHL gets a gander at this thing.

I’m starting to learn that almost anything you can get in trouble for in the NHL is somebody’s idea of how the game should be played. I guess that works for every sport. Personally I’d take off my skate and try to stab a guy if he nonchalantly skated by and blatantly tried to injure me with an elbow to the face, and I wouldn’t be upset if my team joined in.

As much as I bag on hockey, I really do like the sport despite being a St. Louis Blues fan and constantly miserable. What I really love is a good hockey fight, especially when the refs just let it happen, and even more so when everyone is into it. Take the Dallas Stars, for example. When fights break out at the American Airlines Center, the music from Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out plays over the speaker system. And things were no different on Wednesday night when Dallas’ Krys Barch got into it with Edmonton’s Zack Stortini.

Dallas ended up winning the game 3-1, as Brenden Morrow had two goals, but the real winner was my childhood. I think it’s imperative that we include more theme songs from classic video games into sporting events. We could play the Tetris theme every time Tony LaRussa makes a lineup change or the Super Mario Bros. music at San Antonio Spurs games because Manu Ginobli looks like a Koopa Troopa.

Video after the jump…

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This video of the Dallas Stars’ Ice Girls frolicking in bikinis on a yacht is a couple days old now, but I never posted it over the holidays and today is slow as hell, so here you go. Titties and sunshine. Makes me feel awesome about it being December in New York City.

[Fan IQ]

Less than two weeks ago, Sean Avery said other NHL players picked up his “sloppy seconds.”  Certainly not classy, but well within the realm of expectations for a mouthy agitator like Avery.  Now, as if his six-game suspension wasn’t draconian enough, Stars GM Brett Hull — Avery’s roommate during his rookie season — has announced that Avery will not play for Dallas again.

“We don’t want to ruin Sean or his career. We want him to get better,” Hull said. “The team needs to move on and start winning and he needs to take care of himself. … As a hockey player, I think there’s no question he can be an asset. That said, he’s got to fix the demons he has. It becomes such a huge distraction that it almost takes away from his ability to play the game.”

The move comes after Stars coach Dave Tippett and team leaders Mike Modano and Marty Turco all said they didn’t want Avery back, leaving Hull to renege on the 4-year, $15.5M deal he gave Avery.

All because he said “sloppy seconds.”  That blows my mind.  I could write “sloppy seconds” on this blog and it would be the 57th-least offensive thing I wrote on any given day.  Assuming I met my daily quota for Gypsy-extermination jokes.  Who wants those filthy transients around anyway?

Even before Sean Avery’s “sloppy seconds” comment got him suspended, he was widely reviled as a weaselly asshole.  The final twelve seconds of the above video, which show Avery jawing with a fan on October 11th, is just one example of fans not liking him (and vice versa).  In a pretty awesome piece of grassroots journalism, FanHaus’s Eric McErlain tracked down and interviewed that fan, 59-year-old Sandie Griffith, a Predators season ticket holder since the franchise’s inception.

Griffith insisted to me that while she taunted Avery, she never used foul language. So what was Avery’s response? According to Griffith, Avery said, “You’re nothing but an old f**king c*nt, I wouldn’t even c*m in your face.” After which he sprayed her with his water bottle.

I have to hand it to Avery.  I’ve been using foul language with misogynistic overtones on this blog every day for well over two years now, and I’ve never written anything as bad as that.  And I’m hidden away in my apartment behind a computer screen; he said it to her face.  He’s so brave!

Dallas Stars forward Sean Avery, famous for being a colossal dick on the ice, added to his infamy off of it with his comments regarding his ex-girlfriends and other NHL players (past flames Elisha Cuthbert and Rachel Hunter are now with the Flames’ Dion Phaneuf and the Kings’ Jarret Stoll, respectively).  In case you missed it, he offered this up to reporters before anyone asked him a question:

“I just want to comment on how it’s become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don’t know what that’s about, but enjoy the game tonight.”

In response, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman has suspended Avery indefinitely.  Seriously: indefinitely. Which is awesome.  Because let’s face it, what he said was kinda true and not really all that bad.  He basically got suspended because everyone’s tired of him being a dick.

Also, I think you technically forfeit the right to use the term “sloppy seconds” if you’ve ever hit on Paris Hilton.

UPDATE: Video of the statement after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »