Despite the fact that they’ve been playing without their star forward, Dirk Nowitzki, the Dallas Mavericks are finally enjoying a little success with a nice little 3-game winning streak that has pushed Mark Cuban’s underachievers above .500 for the first time since Nov. 21. And to make that good news even better, it seems that Nowitzki will be back… eventually. Bah, who needs injury updates and reports when you’re winning, right Mavs fans?
It’s NBA season, and I desperately need to stop dicking around and pick a team to follow.
Here’s a brief history of my basketball fandom. When I was a kid growing up in southern Virginia, I loved the Charlotte Hornets. They were the closest team to me, purple and teal were in because The 1990s and Larry Johnson was helping Eddie Winslow win basketball games on ‘Family Matters’. For whatever reason (Alonzo Mourning in big, flashing letters) I drifted away from the Hornets and had a brief love for the Golden State Warriors before moving on and going to college and not caring about sports for a few years.
Eventually I moved to Cleveland, and you know how that story goes. OH WOW, THE CAVALIERS! LEBRON JAMES IS GREAT HE WILL BE WITH US FOR shit, my heart. I was prepared to give up basketball forever, but now I’m the editor-in-chief of a comedy sports blog, so I can’t. I loved basketball before, and I can love it again.
Right now I’m living in central Texas. That means I’ve got three NBA teams within a reasonable driving distance, four if you count New Orleans, and actually seeing the team play occasionally is important to me. This is where you come in. After the jump I’ve provided a handy poll, and I’d like for you to choose a team for me to love, drop down into the comments section and explain why you chose them. Next Friday I will consult the results of the poll and the comments section arguments and reveal which team I’ve chosen to love, then cover them incessantly for the rest of the season. Sound good? Good.
Last December, when it was announced that center Chris Kaman had been traded by the Los Angeles Clippers as part of a package that would land them Chris Paul, word around the intertubes was that he was pretty bummed to be leaving the only NBA team that he’d ever played for, and especially since he was traded to one of the league’s worst teams in the New Orleans Hornets. But Kaman has long been one of the NBA’s most under-the-radar fun guys, so he made the best of it.
Now with the Dallas Mavericks, it seems that the gun-loving hunting aficionado is right at home living in Texas, which plays perfectly into his role as a controversial figure, for which he has given very few of what I believe the hip kids call “f*cks”. Kaman recently Tweeted a perfect example of just how much he loves his new home, and also what a delightfully terrifying man-child he is.
During last night’s Game 4 of the NBA Finals I noticed a Tweet from someone about Skip Bayless making fun of Chris Bosh, and without thinking I clicked over to Bayless’ Twitter profile. “Damn it, moron,” was all I could say to myself, because, once again, there is the definition of the attraction to ESPN’s inexplicably popular shouting blowhard “analyst”. The philosophy is simple: Say something outrageous, people will react.
Then I saw a Tweet even more outrageous and obnoxious than I could have ever expected…
Bayless was told this because he doesn’t follow anyone on Twitter. Not his best friend Stephen A. Smith, not his colleagues at ESPN, and not even Tim Tebow or LeBron James. Twitter is a one-man realm of theories and hyperbole, friends. You’re just lucky to be following Bayless.
That Tweet, though, came after an unprovoked jab by Cuban that his two-year old son is a better analyst than Bayless, which is laughable because Bayless was a huge basketball star in his day. Right?
"And when you're 18, I'll show you another way to make money on the Internet."
Boy oh boy, it sure is getting hot outside now that summer is here. That means it’s time to wear lighter, more revealing clothes, and it’s also a chance to spruce up your homes in case you decide to have the gang over for BBQ and a game of cornhole. You should also try that beanbag game.
Thankfully, you lucky consumers have me and my awesome Etsy searching skills to not only find you the hippest athletic gear to wear to the parks and/or strip clubs (bike shorts, fellas) but also to help appease your sports interior design bug with homemade decorations for your favorite teams. This week, it’s less about athletes and more about you and your humble abode. Oh, and also my love of breasts.