Yes, I know he's a Buc now.

There were three inherent dangers that came with making these rankings. First, the obvious reader disagreement with my rankings and the subsequent cries of “You’re a moron” and “This child is yours” that come with it. Second, the distraction of the themes and the argument that I’ve neglected this girl or that. With that, I feel true regret for some omissions, but I’m not Bill Simmons and I can’t assign a different female to every player listed, nor can I fellate myself. And third, I’ve exposed myself to my own neighbors leagues and now my fellow fantasy owners know my draft strategies and the players that I’m targeting. Oh well, it’s their funeral, because I’m wrong 9 times out of 8.

But the show must go on, and today we are examining the endangered species of the worthwhile tight end. Through no obvious relation or even basic reasoning other than my newfound adoration of the WWE’s Maryse Ouellet, and with the help of Senor Stroud, I’ve chosen to compare tight ends to the ladies of professional wrestling. Perhaps in another season I’ll even go as far as to use the Glamorous Ladies of Wrestling. Until then, the standard tight end rules apply:

- Don’t draft one too early.
- Don’t draft one too late.
- Don’t get sucked into the “run.”
- Don’t draft Jeremy Shockey. When will you learn?

Now let’s start the controversy.

It’s hard to believe that Colts tight end Dallas Clark only catches 5 or 6 balls a game, because every reception he makes seems to be some backbreaking third down conversion to sustain a critical drive in a big game. But Clark mixed it up last night, catching a pass on the first play from scrimmage and taking it 80 yards to the house en route to a 27-23 win.

“Give credit to our defense,” Clark said. “They were out there for probably 100 plays, and for that last drive I know they were tired. For them to come up with those plays and keep them from scoring was just tremendous effort.” via.

Indeed, Miami enjoyed three times to Indy’s time of possession, so it looked like a foregone conclusion that Miami would reach the end zone when they had the ball and 3:13 remaining, but no. Clark finished the game with seven catches with 183 yards and a touchdown. And then he probably went out and bench-pressed a cement truck while getting blown by a parade of gorgeous Latina women. You know, because that’s just how he rolls.

So, this video from broad-shouldered lothario Bryan features Colts tight end Dallas Clark "singing" along to Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" (where have I seen that before?)… in sign language.   It is everything you'd expect from that description: goofy, oddly disarming, and kind of funny.  Oh, and also pretty boring after the first minute or so.

Anyway, if you know why Dallas Clark knows sign language, lemme hear it.  I researched it for a while and came up with nothing.  And by "researched" I mean I skimmed Clark's Wikipedia page, Googled "dallas clark deaf," then ate a sandwich.  Hey, this turkey is really fucking good.  That deli on Third must be way better than the one I've been going to.

Colts tight end Dallas Clark isn't living quite as large as teammate Dominic Rhodes, but he's definitely maintaining a competitive edge in the offseason. Clark got thrown out of a high school girls basketball game on Saturday night for berating the refs.

Clark, a Livermore [Iowa] native and former Iowa football player, was asked to leave the gymnasium late in the third quarter of the district final game between Twin River Valley of Bode, where Clark attended high school, and Southeast Webster-Grand of Burnside in Burnside.

"I have seen other parents behave a lot worse, but he apparently got into one of the officials' ear," said Kirk Gilson, the athletic director at Southeast Webster-Grand. "I really don't know what led up to it, but apparently one of the referees didn't like what he heard from him."

Gilson said Clark left the gymnasium immediately and without incident after being asked by Dan Grandfield, the Southeast Webster-Grand principal.

Let's just recap this: Dallas Clark, a star NFL player and key component of the team that won the Super Bowl less than three weeks ago, was back in his Iowa hometown, where he was spending his Saturday night watching high school girls basketball, and he insulted the referees so deeply that the high school principal had to ask him to leave. For real.

When Clark left he was all, "That game sucked anyway." Then he went home and played some Sega Genesis and called his high school buddies at the plant to see if they wanted to come over later, because his parents have cable and there was totally gonna be something sweet on Skinemax. Party!

Sexy and faithful readers of With Leather may remember that Dallas Clark didn't like the abuse that his video game likeness absorbs in the most recent Madden commercial.

Well, luckily for Mr. Clark, the director's cut of the commerical has been released, and it justifiably shows that Dallas Clark is the greatest football player ever. After seeing this video, I can't help but wonder why the Colts limit his role to merely playing tight end.

(Special thanks to We are the Postmen, via Rooster Teeth.)

You've seen this Madden '07 commercial, right? The hilarious one where Dallas Clark gets brutalized by the Eagles?

Well, as Mr. Irrelevant noticed, Clark is not happy with the commercial… even though he's never seen it.

I'm upset about it. It makes me look like a punk… Everyone is talking about my face and my grunting and the noises I make… It sounds like I'm dying.

And people have criticized the Colts for not being mentally tough enough to get through the playoffs. I hope that this puts that argument to rest once and for all.

In other news, Clark has been crusading against the gorilla stereotyes perpetuated in Donkey Kong.