Here’s a lesson to the people in charge of NASCAR: Don’t call something the “Roadside Assistance 500″ unless you’re ready for 500 people needing roadside assistance.

During the final lap of Sunday’s Good Sam Roadside Assistance 500 at the Talladega Superspeedway, Tony Stewart got caught up blocking to keep his lead, cut across Michael Waltrip and not only crashed everyone in the race, but everyone in the parking lot and like half the people on the freeway. Matt Kenseth managed to avoid the wreck (“The Big One”) and win the race. NASCAR spent an hour after the finish trying to sort the final order.

If you’re the type who doesn’t really like auto racing but loves crash videos, thank you for visiting our comedy sports blog. I’d like you to enjoy the clip in your own way, but to also keep in mind that Dale Earnhardt Jr. hates you and thinks you’re a Philistine.

“It’s not safe. It’s not. It’s bloodthirsty,” Dale Earnhardt Jr. said. “If that’s what people want, that’s ridiculous.”

“If this was what we did every week, I wouldn’t be doing it,” he said. “I’ll just put it to you that way. If this was how we raced every week, I’d find another job. That’s what the package is doing. It’s really not racing. It’s a little disappointing. It cost a lot of money right there.

“If this is how we’re going to continue to race and nothing is going to change, how about NASCAR builds the cars? It’ll save us a lot of money.”

Video of the crash is after the jump, jerk.

Additional analysis from 23rd-place finisher Clint Bowyer:

“That’s just Talladega. That’s why we all come out and watch.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Last night, while trying to sort through political arguments among people I follow on Twitter so I could focus on what the social media site was actually intended for – porn stars lobbying for people to vote for their Fleshlight – I noticed a Tweet from Yahoo!’s Jay Busbee about a woman who informed him about the new ink of Dale Earnhardt that she just got, as you can see in the banner image. It’s actually a little unclear, so I’ll let Jay explain it.

Screw the debate, you MUST see this tattoo on @lisa88fan of Dale Sr. looking down the stairway to heaven on Dale Jr.

That’s right, that is a full back tattoo that depicts a stairway to Heaven with Dale Earnhardt, Jr. looking up at his father, who is surrounded by either clouds or angels. Either way, that’s a pretty immense show of loyalty to one specific NASCAR brand. But then, I wouldn’t expect anything else from a woman who has “Nascar Girl” tattooed on her shoulder blade, as well as a butterfly and the moon on the other side.

Oh, and it doesn’t end there, friends. This woman also has an Earnhardt tattoo on her leg that she shared on her Twitter account.

Read the rest of this entry »

I’m not a big fan of NASCAR. I like making Danica Patrick jokes as much as the next guy, but my best racing memory is the time Dale Earnhardt, Sr., was on ‘King Of The Hill’, so I don’t write about it a lot. When we get a chance to talk to Ricky Stenhouse, Jr., I let Burnsy handle it.

That all being said, I had to share this clip of Dale Earnhardt, Jr., reading a letter to his 16-year old self from ‘CBS This Morning’. It’s a powerful, moving look at a guy who was born into privilege, forced to grow under one of the biggest, darkest shadows ever and brought to tears by the knowledge that he should’ve been a lot nicer to his Mom. He’s incredibly human here, and I’ll never be able to think of Dale Jr. as “the guy from commercials for products I’m not interested in” again.

Check out the video after the jump. Sorry for it being baby-sized, CBS doesn’t really operate for people our age.

Read the rest of this entry »

Jeffrey Earnhardt, grandson of “The Intimidator” Dale Earnhardt and nephew of “Not As Intimidating But He’s In Jeans Commercials” Dale Earnhardt, Jr., races on the Rolex Sports Car Series and the NASCAR Nationwide Series. Starting this Tuesday, he’s pulling a Bo Jackson and becoming a two-sport athlete: Jeffrey (or as I like to call him, “Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr.*”) is fighting at Fight Lab 25 in Charlotte, N.C. as an amateur, going up against bantamweight competitor Chris Faison.

We’re about to have an Earnhardt in MMA. Why, you ask? Because people don’t think driving is a real sport. Jeff is hoping to validate the athleticism of stock car racing by being athletic in a way that has nothing to do with stock cars or racing. No, really!

“A lot of people don’t see race car athletes as true athletes … They don’t think we’re capable of doing anything other than sitting in a car and driving in a circle. A lot of people don’t understand the reality of it. This is an opportunity to prove to people that race car drivers are athletes. It’s a lot harder than people realize. Hopefully this MMA fight will help people realize that, and that we can hold our own as athletes.” (via MMA Fighting)

I’m sure there are accountants out there that do CrossFit and could rip my arms off, that doesn’t mean accounting is a sport. And hey, just because fighting is a sport doesn’t mean everyone who does it is an athlete. I’m a blogger and I could probably knock out Bob Sapp.

Regardless of his intent, I’ll be watching. I’m pretty excited for a guy who smiles like that to enter the world of punching.

In news that makes me feel considerably better about Dale Earnhardt Jr., Dale Earnhardt Jr. announced Wednesday morning that he would not have sexual relations with a woman (or, by proxy, a man) with Dale Earnhardt Jr.-themed tattoos. Apparently, this is a thing. The racing star was a guest of the Dan Patrick Show yesterday, and because Dan Patrick literally could not give a sh** about sports, they talked about this. I mean, they also talked about him losing the No. 8 when he left Dale Earnhardt Inc. for Hendrick Motorsports, but he said it “didn’t bother [him] too much” so this is the important part.

Earnhardt Jr.: “No! Heck no! I mean, I just couldn’t.”

Patrick: “What if somebody is so hot, but she’s got Jimmie Johnson’s number on her?”

Earnhardt Jr.: “Ugh! That’d be a deal-breaker, easy. I mean, Jimmie is my buddy and all, but still…”

Patrick: “What if she’s got your Dad on her back, and he’s got angels wings?”

Earnhardt Jr.: “Sure, that’d be fine.”

I wish the line of questioning had continued, with Patrick asking “okay, so what if the girl models for Hawaiian Tropic, but she’s got this tattoo of Tony Stewart where he has mumps or something so it makes him look like Bubba the Love Sponge” and so on until he got to the big one, “would you sleep with a girl who know who you were and was into NASCAR?” and Dale had to sorta sigh and meekly confess, “no, I’m rich a famous and can sleep with regular girls”.

[h/t to Jeff Gluck @ SBN]

As we all learned in the wildly popular grammar book Eats, Shoots & Leaves, punctuation matters.  For example, a Big Mo is a giant coffee cup that used to be available at Motomarts in southern Illinois.  A big 'mo is someone who's really really gay.  And a Big Mo' — note that the apostrophe comes after — is a gay candy bar emblazoned with Dale Earnhardt Jr's face.

I've seen some good gay journo-porn in my day, but this is the best ad copy porn I've ever seen.

What is Big Mo’? Sure, it’s a candy bar, but it’s also everything that Dale Jr. loves—including chocolate, peanut butter and caramel. Big Mo’ is racing. The way you need it like oxygen, because it’s in your DNA and if you’re not around it, you can’t keep going. Big Mo’ is your buddies. Hanging out ‘til all hours of the night crackin’ jokes, playing pool and just kicking back and having a good time like you always do. Big Mo’ is being true to yourself. When you get right down to it, that’s the only thing that matters—doing what you love because you love it and not needing any other reason.

That's right, no need to keep your love of big 'mos  — oops, Mo's — in the closet any longer.  "Let them fill you up until you sigh in sated ecstasy!  Savor their sweet taste that warms your insides!  It's like sucking on Dale Jr's cock!"  Wait.  Uh… scratch that last one.

[Thanks to RoboPanda for the tip; see also: on 205th]