Jeffrey Earnhardt, grandson of “The Intimidator” Dale Earnhardt and nephew of “Not As Intimidating But He’s In Jeans Commercials” Dale Earnhardt, Jr., races on the Rolex Sports Car Series and the NASCAR Nationwide Series. Starting this Tuesday, he’s pulling a Bo Jackson and becoming a two-sport athlete: Jeffrey (or as I like to call him, “Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr.*”) is fighting at Fight Lab 25 in Charlotte, N.C. as an amateur, going up against bantamweight competitor Chris Faison.

We’re about to have an Earnhardt in MMA. Why, you ask? Because people don’t think driving is a real sport. Jeff is hoping to validate the athleticism of stock car racing by being athletic in a way that has nothing to do with stock cars or racing. No, really!

“A lot of people don’t see race car athletes as true athletes … They don’t think we’re capable of doing anything other than sitting in a car and driving in a circle. A lot of people don’t understand the reality of it. This is an opportunity to prove to people that race car drivers are athletes. It’s a lot harder than people realize. Hopefully this MMA fight will help people realize that, and that we can hold our own as athletes.” (via MMA Fighting)

I’m sure there are accountants out there that do CrossFit and could rip my arms off, that doesn’t mean accounting is a sport. And hey, just because fighting is a sport doesn’t mean everyone who does it is an athlete. I’m a blogger and I could probably knock out Bob Sapp.

Regardless of his intent, I’ll be watching. I’m pretty excited for a guy who smiles like that to enter the world of punching.

In news that makes me feel considerably better about Dale Earnhardt Jr., Dale Earnhardt Jr. announced Wednesday morning that he would not have sexual relations with a woman (or, by proxy, a man) with Dale Earnhardt Jr.-themed tattoos. Apparently, this is a thing. The racing star was a guest of the Dan Patrick Show yesterday, and because Dan Patrick literally could not give a sh** about sports, they talked about this. I mean, they also talked about him losing the No. 8 when he left Dale Earnhardt Inc. for Hendrick Motorsports, but he said it “didn’t bother [him] too much” so this is the important part.

Earnhardt Jr.: “No! Heck no! I mean, I just couldn’t.”

Patrick: “What if somebody is so hot, but she’s got Jimmie Johnson’s number on her?”

Earnhardt Jr.: “Ugh! That’d be a deal-breaker, easy. I mean, Jimmie is my buddy and all, but still…”

Patrick: “What if she’s got your Dad on her back, and he’s got angels wings?”

Earnhardt Jr.: “Sure, that’d be fine.”

I wish the line of questioning had continued, with Patrick asking “okay, so what if the girl models for Hawaiian Tropic, but she’s got this tattoo of Tony Stewart where he has mumps or something so it makes him look like Bubba the Love Sponge” and so on until he got to the big one, “would you sleep with a girl who know who you were and was into NASCAR?” and Dale had to sorta sigh and meekly confess, “no, I’m rich a famous and can sleep with regular girls”.

[h/t to Jeff Gluck @ SBN]

As we all learned in the wildly popular grammar book Eats, Shoots & Leaves, punctuation matters.  For example, a Big Mo is a giant coffee cup that used to be available at Motomarts in southern Illinois.  A big 'mo is someone who's really really gay.  And a Big Mo' — note that the apostrophe comes after — is a gay candy bar emblazoned with Dale Earnhardt Jr's face.

I've seen some good gay journo-porn in my day, but this is the best ad copy porn I've ever seen.

What is Big Mo’? Sure, it’s a candy bar, but it’s also everything that Dale Jr. loves—including chocolate, peanut butter and caramel. Big Mo’ is racing. The way you need it like oxygen, because it’s in your DNA and if you’re not around it, you can’t keep going. Big Mo’ is your buddies. Hanging out ‘til all hours of the night crackin’ jokes, playing pool and just kicking back and having a good time like you always do. Big Mo’ is being true to yourself. When you get right down to it, that’s the only thing that matters—doing what you love because you love it and not needing any other reason.

That's right, no need to keep your love of big 'mos  — oops, Mo's — in the closet any longer.  "Let them fill you up until you sigh in sated ecstasy!  Savor their sweet taste that warms your insides!  It's like sucking on Dale Jr's cock!"  Wait.  Uh… scratch that last one.

[Thanks to RoboPanda for the tip; see also: on 205th]

Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s clothing line from Adidas went on sale yesterday morning, and were his fans excited:

"We've already seen him," Earnhardt fan Krystle Forsythe said, standing at the front of the line. "We've been stalking him all week." . . . Judging by the scene outside the Sports Authority store across the street from Daytona International Speedway on Friday, the new clothing line could become the racing equivalent to Apple's iPhone or Nintendo's Wii. "Well, it's more important to me, because I don't have either of those," said 23-year-old Forsythe.

You don't say, Krystle with a 'K'. I don't have either of those things either. Where are you from darling?

She and her mother, Diana Brock, flew all the way down from Collingwood, Ontario, to attend Sunday's Daytona 500. And if that wasn't enough of a show of loyalty to their favorite driver — who's "just funny and he can drive really good," according to Forsythe — they also lined up early to get first crack at Earnhardt's new souvenir line. How early? Try 10:30 Thursday night. "We're from Canada, so we won't be able to get this stuff for a while," Forsythe said.

Wait, you're from Canada and you're a NASCAR fan? I'm sorry baby, but I have standards. I'd rather take my chances with some more bear urine. -KD 

NASCAR news!  Hooray!

Dale Earnhardt Jr unveiled his new 88 car yesterday, revealing for the first time that the sponsor replacing his iconic Budweiser #8 car will be… Amp.  Which is an energy drink, I suppose.  Pardon me while I dismiss this with an air-wanking motion.

Nevertheless, this is a big fucking deal for people who like to watch cars go in circles for four hours.  FanHaus even live-blogged the hour and a half announcement, which on the scale of good uses of time has to rank somewhere between watching a Season 2 DVD of According to Jim and explaining to an Entourage fan why Entourage is unfunny garbage.  I guess FanHaus just lets anybody write anything.

Happy Saturday, people.  This is your weekday editor moonlighting on the weekend as thanks for Kevin's help the last couple days — and also in celebration of my amazing hair day.  Today I bring to you the woeful hard-luck tale of Dale Earnhardt, Jr., whose transfer to Hendrick Motorsports next year from DEI will likely result in the loss of his beloved Number 8.  But fear not, DaleNation — his heart will go on:

"That's the way it goes sometimes in this sport. You can't have everything. You just have to be satisfied with what you do have and what we're going to be able to accomplish in the future."

Oh, he's playing it coy, but deep down he's destroyed.  That's not just any number 8.  It's fuckin leaning, man!  It's leaning back because it's moving so fast.  You just don't find numbers that fast any more.

And what of his fans?  All across rural America, white people will have to scrape the "8" decals off their trucks.  And you just can't ask your fans to do that.  That'd be like telling Calvin to stop peeing on the Ford logo.