Normally when I read something that starts off with “Stopped into a Pittsburgh-area Dairy Queen yesterday” it’s followed by a half-assed excuse for getting a handy from a fat chick in a Penguins jersey. But this time it’s because Dan Hopper, the Senior Editor at Best Week Ever, took a couple snap shots of some cakes that he found at a Dairy Queen while he was in Pittsburgh. It seems that parents in the Steel City can celebrate their kids’ birthdays by giving them a Ben Roethlisberger cake. Not to be outdone, Carvel has released its own Rapey the Raspberry Rhino ice cream cake.

But as much fun as a cake that’s main ingredients presumably include two giant nuts and an imposing banana can be, the real Big Ben news today revolves around the Steelers QB’s admission in an interview yesterday that he contemplated quitting the NFL in the midst of his sexual misconduct allegations. Adding, “Because everyone knows the UFL is totally cool with a bathroom bonejob.”

Pack me a pint full of rum raisin, Fox Sports, and if it doesn’t fit, force it in there:

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Missouri basketball player Kalen Grimes hit a man with the butt of a shotgun last weekend:

Kalen Grimes admitted getting out of the car, pumping the shotgun twice, then striking the man, [Florissant, MO Police Chief William] Karabas said. The victim suffered a cut to the forehead.

This could explain why Mr. Grimes only averaged 7 points per game last year. For future reference, it's 1. Acquire the rock or orange or thirty-ought-six, 2. Double-pump, 3. Shoot. Results are best when you aim at the center mass of your target. 

The incident happened early Saturday and began when Grimes’ cousin, Ryan Fisher, and another man got into an argument over a woman at a Jack in the Box restaurant, Karabas said. The skirmish spilled over onto a Dairy Queen parking lot nearby.

I like street fights that plan for dessert.  You only see this in the Midwest nowadays because everyone is in such a rush on the coasts.  It's all choke down half of a hamburger, shoot the lights out, and then head off to the next house party.  Slow down people.  You have five minutes to enjoy a Peanut Buster Parfait before cracking each other's skulls to see who gets to bed the lovely lass with the badonkadonk full of curly fries. -KD 

(Extra Dilly Bars for A Pudge is a Sandwich.)