The International Cycling Union has decided that based on the findings of the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency’s extensive report on Lance Armstrong, the 7-time Tour de France winner has been officially stripped of all of his titles. Upon making and announcing the decision, ICU President Pat McQuaid poured a glass of elk’s blood, struck a match on a child’s forehead and lit his cigar before cackling with the echoes reaching the bottom of the world’s deepest trench.

“Lance Armstrong has no place in cycling and he deserves to be forgotten in cycling,” McQuaid said at a news conference. “This is a landmark day for cycling.”

“I was sickened by what I read in the USADA report,” McQuaid said, singling out the testimony of David Zabriskie. “The story he told of how he was coerced and to some extent forced into doping is just mind boggling.” (Via Fox Sports)

Is landmark really the right word here? I know this is monumental and unprecedented, as who can remember the last time that a sport figuratively eviscerated its greatest champion and every shred of credibility that cycling and especially the Americans had left? I just feel like “landmark” doesn’t reflect how awful this mess is. Maybe McQuaid could have made up a really terrible world like “monuterrorawfulAIDSbiebermental”. That’s a good word.

Surprisingly, Armstrong has already commented, telling a group of cyclists at a Livestrong event that he’s “been better” and “been worse”, as whatever’s left of his credibility is stomped into the mud by people who have behaved just as despicably as he reportedly has. (Except, you know, without all of the charity work and inspiration for cancer patients.) But I spent some time this morning trying to sort through the media and fan responses – both good and bad – and it seems that the hot fad right now is basting Armstrong with hate and baking him in the oven at 450-degrees for the rest of the eternity.

After the jump, check out some of the more colorful fan responses to Armstrong’s misdeeds. Seriously, people are pissed.

Read the rest of this entry »

Lance Armstrong has spent the last ten years and change denying doping allegations, but now, after a 1,000 page collection of evidence and 26 sworn statements from fellow cyclists, he’s ready to … still deny them, I guess. But he’s stepping down as the chairman of Livestrong, which is a pretty big deal.

“This organization, its mission and its supporters are incredibly dear to my heart,” Armstrong said in a statement. “Today therefore, to spare the foundation any negative effects as a result of controversy surrounding my cycling career, I will conclude my chairmanship.

“As my cancer treatment was drawing to an end, I created a foundation to serve people affected by cancer. It has been a great privilege to help grow it from a dream into an organization that today has served 2.5 million people and helped spur a cultural shift in how the world views cancer survivors.

“My family and I have devoted our lives to the work of the foundation and that will not change. We plan to continue our service to the foundation and the cancer community. We will remain active advocates for cancer survivors and engaged supporters of the fight against cancer,” Armstrong said. (via LA Times)

We’ve tried to write objectively about whether or not Armstrong doped. We’ve even passed the buck to the pro comedians, guys who can say HEY F**K LANCE ARMSTRONG, WHO CARES ABOUT CYCLING without fear of a cycling forum somewhere finding out what they’ve said and bringing the hammer down. George Carlin summed up our thoughts on Lance Armstrong years ago, and now Lewis Black and ‘The Daily Show With Jon Stewart’ have taken it a step further by straight-up comparing Lance to the University Of Tennessee butt-chuggers and a guy who got arrested for doing it with a donkey.

Check out the video below, and see if you end up finding the donkeyf**ker infinitely more interesting than the nearly three-dozen cyclists who went to court to rat each other out.

Read the rest of this entry »

Lance Armstrong’s former teammate Tyler Hamilton appeared on Today with Matt Lauer this morning to promote his new book “The Secret Race”, which is sadly not about Blasian females. Instead, subtitled “Inside the Hidden World of the Tour de France: Doping, Cover-ups, and Winning at All Costs”, it’s a book about his cycling career, and the only thing more boring than watching cycling is reading about it.

But Hamilton, who is a proven cheater after testing positive for PEDs three times while a member of the U.S. Postal Service team, now conveniently claims that he has the “smoking gun” when it comes to proving that Armstrong cheated just like the rest of cycling’s biggest stars. Hamilton said that he knows why Armstrong has allegedly lied for so long, because he’s an expert liar and can smell his own.

“This was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life,’’ Hamilton told Lauer Wednesday. “I lied for a long, long time. There was sort of an omerta. People really encouraged me not to speak. I planned to take this secret to the grave. There was a federal investigation, and I sat up there in front of the grand jury and told the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.’’

Armstrong has already released a statement about Hamilton’s new book, and the abridged version is: “How convenient.” Whatever.

Yesterday, I was listening to a stand-up comedy station on Pandora and treated to a clip from George Carlin’s 2008 TV special, “It’s Bad for Ya!”, and I was a little upset that I hadn’t thought about it when the big Lance Armstrong news broke on Aug. 23. Then again, I’m happy if I can remember last night, let alone something I watched 4 years ago. Either way, I think Carlin perfectly summed up how some people feel at this point.

Read the rest of this entry »

No, seriously, meet FLiZ. MEET IT.

Ever wish you could do less riding and more running on your daily bicycle commute? Neither have we. But that seems to be the idea behind the German-designed FLIZ, a new concept velocipede that nixes the pedaling and suspends its rider runner from a harness. (via The Atlantic)

If you haven’t said “haha what the shit it is” out-loud yet, let me help you by asking you to remember that episode of ‘South Park’ where Mr. Garrison creates a giant wheel you drive by fellating a knob and letting it f**k you in the ass for a quick compare/contrast.

I guess the basic idea was to create a scooter apparatus to take your body weight out of the running motion. That’d be easier on your knees and maybe allow you to run farther and faster without getting tired. The rub here is that to scooter-run you’d have to remove the scooter from your feet area, and also apparently crush your ribcage in the process. The best part is that the guy isn’t wearing a helmet. If that thing hit a rock and flipped you over, it’s pretty much designed to DDT you to death.

Ugh, look at the still photos of this thing. It looks like the Cloverfield monster:

Read the rest of this entry »

In the biggest cycling news since somebody found out you could put baseball cards in the spokes to make it sound cool, 7-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong is “subject to lifetime ban and fan fallout” for saying he was giving up his fight against the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency’s doping charges.

“There comes a point in every man’s life when he has to say, enough is enough,” Armstrong’s statement read. “For me, that time is now.”

Also on Thursday night, the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency said it will strip Armstrong of his seven Tour de France titles and Travis Tygart, USADA’s chief executive, said Armstrong would be subject to a lifetime ban from the sport.

Friday on “CBS This Morning,” CBS News chief investigative correspondent Armen Keteyian said the original charges brought against Armstrong in June were based on “non-analytical evidence” that he used performance enhancing drugs. This evidence reportedly included testimony from several former teammates, including Tyler Hamilton who told “60 Minutes” that he frequently saw Armstrong inject “EPO,” a banned naturally occurring hormone known as a blood booster. (via CBS News)

The statement brings up a lot of unanswered questions. Does Armstrong’s figurative tap-out mean he’s guilty and can’t deal with lying anymore? If a high-profile athlete like Armstrong is stripped of his titles for doping, does that set a precedent that leads to high-profile athletes in other sports losing their championships and accolades for failing drug tests? What if they’re just one person on a team? Will Armstrong be okay living the rest of his life with a Bad News Bears-esque “we know who REALLY won those races” talking point?

The most important question is this: Do you seriously care about Lance Armstrong?

Read the rest of this entry »

Chinese student Zhang Heng and some friends decided that they wanted to celebrate their recent graduation with a 1,833-kilometer (or roughly 1,136 miles if you’re normal) bike ride from the city of Kangding in the Sichuan province to Lhasa, Tibet. And why wouldn’t they? It’s not like there are any jobs waiting for them. *high fives recent state college grad sleeping in a dumpster*

But a funny thing happened on the way to Lhasa. Heng and friends were cruising through a town when he spotted a dog passed out in the street, so he did the cool thing and stopped to feed it and make sure it was okay. Not only did Xiao Sa or “Little Sa” appreciate the meal and the kindness, but she pledged her eternal faith to her new human friends and joined them on their one-month journey. On paw, pretty much the whole way.

Xiao Sa really wanted to accompany them on their trip, and she showed incredible determination over the 20 days she ran alongside her new-found friends, all the way to Lhasa, Tibet. She traveled a total of 1,138 miles, climbed ten mountains over 4,000 meters high, and ran on uphill sections where many bikers prefer to take the bus. The only portion of the journey where Xiao Sa didn’t have to run was on a steep slope in Litang, where downhill speeds reach 70 km per hour, which made it impossible to catch up. So the cyclists made a cage for her and gave Sa a ride to the bottom, where she resumed her journey on foot. (Via Oddity Central)

F*ck. Yes. These are the stories that I kick the hookers out of bed for to do this job each day. And before Little Sa becomes too big of a star for us, here’s a news report of her amazing story complete with footage of her run. Go hug your dogs, please.

Read the rest of this entry »